3 years on

It has been 3 years on since we lost Jensen, and it is still not getting any easier.

The weather on the 25th was really crap. It was pouring rain here were we live and I didn't want to take Lachlan out in it to see his brother. Thankfully my parents offered to take him for us so that DH and I could go visit Jensen.

Like every year we brought Jensen his birthday present and stayed with him as long as we could to talk to him. I didn't want to leave when DH told me that it was time to go, it felt like I was leaving him behind once again. I also had the feeling that Jensen was thinking that I was forgetting him, but I told him that I would never forget him, that myself and his Daddy will always love him and he would forever be in our hearts.

My parents cooked us both dinner and offered to take Lachlan for the night so that DH and I could have a moment together. It was a nice suggestion but I couldn't bare to not hold Lachlan in my arms that night, and it took a while for me to put him in his cot once he was asleep.

I am sure that when the years go on the pain will lessen, but when it will happen I won't know.

But I can't help thinking, with losing Jensen, then miscarrying, having Lachlan and miscarrying again this year our family would be complete. I don't know what I have deserved to lose 3 babies (although I know I am truly blessed to have Lachlan who is my world). I hope one day that DH and I can complete our family.