The weight loss motivation I needed.

Today I got a huge hit of motivation. I looked in the mirror when getting dress and saw a person I didn't recognise. Sadly this person was indeed me.

Once putting the rest of my clothes on I said to myself "enough is enough. Something needs to change." So once Lachlan was dropped off at childcare and Charlotte was down for her nap I took to my lap top, searched the Internet for different exercises and healthy meal plans and went about creating a shopping list and creating an exercise program.

With the exercise program I am starting off easy and increasing the exercise amount by 4 week blocks so that I can ease back into things, as I can say that I am so unfit it isn't funny.

With the meals I am going to focus on healthy eating. I looked into clean eating but I don't think it is for me as I really enjoy my food (probably too much). I will also be using my fitness pal to help me keep track of my weight and my calorie.s. I have already started using it and I absolutely love the barcode scanner as it means that I don't have to go looking for my foods.

Over all I would love to lose 20kg, but I think I and my body will know when I have lost enough weight, I really don't want to look weirdly out of proportion as I have huge boobs.

I really wish I had the help of a nutritionist and a personal trainer but I don't have that sort of finances to spare at this time. Maybe in the future I can look into it, but at this stage I am on my own.

Last night I wrote this huge blog and was about to press post when I couldn't do it.

I have always seen myself as a very open person, but I guess when it comes to certain subjects about myself I can't bring myself to let the words out.

As you know I have been seeing a psychologist since November and amazingly I have been able to make a patient doctor connection that I have not been able to make with any other psychologist I have seen before. But when it came to my appointment 2 days ago she cracked my shell and said something that has left me feeling rather anxious and vulnerable.

Thankfully I have an amazing support system in Lachlan's November Aunties (my November due in group).

Last night I was feeling particularly vulnerable and really needed to talk to someone. Although they don't know the whole situation about me, it doesn't matter. They were happy to listen and help in anyway they can.

I am still not feeling myself and I feel like there is a huge wait sitting on my chest and I know that I will probably need to call J (my psychologist) to actually talk these feelings through. I just know there is a huge winding path in front of me and it it is going to be a huge journey to get me to the person that I should be.

I need a sign

Sometimes I feel like I am waiting for some sort of sign. A sign that would show me what my future holds for me and would tell me if I am on the right track. I just feel like sometimes I am walking this endless path and it is leading me know where.

I feel like that things are not getting better for Charlotte and the hospital trips and the upping of the medication has just stalled things. She is still having periods during the day where she is constantly screaming and crying and refusing her bottles, and being on my own with both the kids while all this is going on is a lot of hard work.

One thing that isn't helping is Lachlan's terrible twos that seems to have amped up something horrendous. He is whinging all the time and really pushing me. I would really like to say that I am handling things with him but with this and the stuff going on with Charlotte it, but I can really say I'm struggling.

Also I haven't been sleeping very well. I haven't been managing to get to bed until 2am some nights as I am just not tired, and even though I am in bed I am not drifting off to sleep until 2 hours later. I really don't know why this is happening and it is really putting my anxiety out of whack and it is also making me extremely agitated which is also making me lash out. I am really not liking the person that I am turning into with lack of sleep.

Anyway have to go Charlotte is starting to scream the house down.

It's been awhile

As the title suggests it has been a while since I last blogged. I wish I could put it down to just being the silly season and not having enough time, but unfortunately Christmas and New Years had nothing to do with it.

Charlotte had some issues over the Christmas period and ended up being hospitalized and it unfortunately meant that she spent her first Christmas in hospital.

One of the major issues was her reflux. She had been screaming and crying continuously and was not drinking her formula, the only time she did sleep was out of exhaustion and the sleep only lasted probably 30 minutes max. Not being able to take my daughter in pain we ended up taking her to the emergency department at the hospital I work at and they admitted her.

The really cute Doctor that was looking after her decided that they would run some tests and he had decided that due to her current state a stay in hospital was in order.

I was really lucky while Charlotte was in Children's ward the nursing staff set a bed up right next to Charlotte's cot. It was a big help as she would only let me hold her and cuddles is all she wanted.

As Christmas Day rolled around Charlotte and I woke to find that Santa had visited her as at the end of the bed laid a Santa sack full of goodies just for her!

The staff that day (and everyday) were truly amazing! They made sure that I was fed as soon as I woke up and they had organised Santa to come a visit all the children on the ward. Also the doctors and nurses fell in love with Charlotte the moment they saw her, and as she was having a good day on Christmas Day she gave out lots of smiles and hugs.

The day was truly mad special just to see her smiling again.

Charlotte and I also got our 15 minutes of fame when to local paper had come in to do a story on one of the kids in the ward. Charlotte was the youngest one there and due to it being her first Christmas they choose her.

Her paediatrician came by at about lunch time Christmas Day and informed us that he was going to keep Charlotte on the 3 times daily Zantac they had started her on when she was first admitted. He also informed us that her hearing seems very sensitive and that he thinks when there is a lot of noise it stresses her which in turn doesn't help with the reflux. He also went on to tell me that there could be possible gastrointestinal issues, which I really don't want to go into, not until we have more tests and find out more about it.

He ended up discharging her so that she could have some sort of Christmas, but it didn't last long as we were readmitted that evening with the same issues.

Eventually we were discharged again and since that day we have tried to make some sort of routine with her and things have started to get better.

Due to Charlotte's issues we had to put Lachlan's toilet training on hold, but that doesn't matter as we can always try another time.