Past and self discovery

****WARNING THIS POST COULD HAVE A TRIGGER EFFECT FOR SOME READERS****

I am currently lying in bed alone. 

M is currently at work (night shift) and I seem to do a lot of thinking while I am alone in this bed of ours. 

It is coming up to 13 years since I was gang raped...(taking long steady breaths) an I have had this heart clenching, fearful cloud hanging over my head for that long (and probably for the rest of my life). Although the thoughts about this cloud have changed throughout the years it has been constant, and a constant reminder of what happend.  

My physical injuries of that night have all healed, but the mental and emotional scaring still remins. I can still feel, smell, hear and taste everything of that night and relive it every time I close my eyes. 

From that moment my whole life changed and I was never going to be the girl I thought I was when I turned 14. 

I was broken. I felt that I was no longer good enough. I did not want to live. 

Every moment until I met H I wanted to kill myself and believe me I tried, but something kept holding me back. 

H was at that point my life a means to forget. He provide me with powders and pills (mostly ecstasy) as a way to escape from this world and to go into a world where I was wanted and where I was more then good enough. This world was a way to pay for my expensive new means to escape, where I was whored out to his friends. 

Every touch made me want to peel of my skin with acid and scream out in pain...but I didn't. Ecstasy was the only thing that was making me stay here, and this is how my walls went up. 

I built a barrier so that every time I had sex with someone I zoned out. I left my body so that I couldn't feel anything, I was just shell. 

And then I met J. 

J never touched me, and I think he knew from the moment I met him that something was wrong. He was my sound bored and listened to me, protected me and cared for me. He was H's best friend and my light in this darkness. He tried to help me even though I resisted and was there when I needed him the most. 

The day I found out I was pregnant it almost killed me and it would of if it wasn't for J. Once again he took me down from the ledge and helped me when I knew I wouldn't be able to keep the precious gift that I wasn't worthy of. 

In that moment I knew what I needed to do. I needed to say goodbye to that reckless life that I was leading (even J, which was tough) and get clean. 

Now that I am clean and seeing a psychologist I feel I need to follow a path to self discovery. Currently my inner self is a scared little girl who is battered and bruised, but I feel I need to find that inner warrior who I feel is my true self. 

The good and the bad.

So I had my first week back at work this week and it was like I never left. 

I walked in and everyone was so excited to see me and apparently they missed me a lot, with of them hugging me so tightly that I felt like I couldn't breath. 

After the first couple of hours of me re orintating myself with the Recovery Ward I was right back into it and it was like I never left. 

On my first day back I even got offered a promotion! 

But unfortunately with all good things there are also bad. Over the last couple of days I have been feeling like crap. I really can't put into words what exactly I have been feeling and every time I try to talk about it I start crying. 

I had my appointment with J yesterday and as soon as I walked into her room I burst into tears. Once I calmed down a bit we had a bit of a talk and I felt a bit better, I also talked to my friends from my BH November mother's group and like always they were a good shoulder to lean on and had some loving advice. 

I have had periods like this before and I am not proud of the methods I used to bring myself out of it, but this time things are going to be different. I have a great psychologist who is working through this with me and my Husband is better equipped to help me, I also I have my too beautiful children who make me smile everyday. 

Charlie starts child care.

My youngest bubba started child care yesterday, in preparation of me returning to work next week. 

Things were a bit different this time around. When Lachlan first started we had a bit if a wait for him to start and when he eventually started he was 18 months old and I had been back at work since he was 8 moths old. This time around we were lucky as children who already have a sibling in care get preference. 

Charlotte will be going Tuesdays for 2 weeks then will start a Monday. Eventually she will go a Wednesday as well, but until there is a spot my mum and dad will take care of her. 

The child care workers said that she was wonderful and barely cried (here I was thinking she would cry non stop). Also surprising she had 2 good sleeps and also self settled.  She did so much better then I expected, I am so incredibly proud of her. 

The workers also were glad that Lachlan didn't become over protective, apparently in the past some kids have become over protective when their brother or sister started and it make things hard when the workers try to care for the child. 

Hopefully Charlotte and Lachlan will be just as perfect next week. 

Life after babies

Have you given much thought to life after you have finished having babies?

I know I haven't....that is until last night. 

So last night M and I were having a chat and we have decided that our next baby will probably be our last. Now I have never liked the idea of uneven number of children as I always feel like someone will be left out, but M only really wanted 2 so this is our compromise. 

Anyway I asked M where he saw himself in 5 years, he replied with "I see myself in a management position, why? Where do you see yourself?" I think I stared at him blankly for a moment, because I didn't really know where I saw myself. 

Ever since I met M I knew I wanted to have a family with him and the moment I found out I was pregnant with Jensen all I could think about was babies. So for the last 9 years my life has been about babies and nothing else. 

I have never had any future goals, I have never thought of furthering my career as I was never really work driven. I was always about having a family and having babies...that was me. 

Now with us wanting to try for a another baby in the future I have this impending doom that there is nothing for me to do in the future. 

So this morning I have sat down with a cuppa tea, a pen and a piece of paper that read in 5 years. At first I wrote down have a baby as that was the only thing I could see myself doing, but then ideas began to flow and I ended up having my list, which read a page long! The relief that I felt knowing that there was life for me after babies was amazing. There was even points that were career driven as well like, finish my diploma and get a job in community service. 

One thing I did notice while I was writing this list was how much things will change. Lachlan will be starting primary school within the next 5 years and I will also be preparing Charlotte for primary school as well. Another thing is that M and I will be turning 30! 

So maybe the next chapter after babies won't be so scary, maybe it is just coming in time.