Dark and twisties...once again.

As you can imagine things around here has been really crappy and the weather has really gone with my mood, dark, cold and uninviting.

There is always two times in the year that I spiral into the dark and twisties, when Jensen left us and when I was raped.

I have come to accept things with what happened when I was raped, and I know accept is probably not the right word but I really can't think of one at this time. But when you compare the two horrible events I would take remembering my rape over and over again if it means that I could have my son back.

I became depressed after I had Lachlan, who was my first earth bound bub as I felt that Jensen might think that I was replacing him, but I over come that and knew that even though Jensen wasn't here being Lachlan's big brother in physical form he was doing it from heaven.

This time around with Charlotte as it is so close to his Angelversary and my hormones are still messed up, I once again feel like he might feel like I am forgetting about him and replacing him with another child.

I haven't talked to DH about how I feel this time around, I guess I know what he will say so I am try to work through it, but what I probably really need is a slap across the face to snap out of it.