Extremely early morning ramblings

It's 3.36am here in NSW, Australia and I have been up since 1.53am. I didn't go to bed early last night as I was trying to finish off a question of my assignment that I started 2 weeks ago, but recently have been neglecting due to other things.

But instead of sleeping I am sitting up in bed hearing Charlotte cry in the next room. I have been in to check on her a couple of hundred times as I know that if I don't she becomes inconsolable and that just brings a whole list of other problems, that I just can't deal with right now.

But right now I just sit here.

I sit here because I have already had a full day of her constant crying, whinging and screaming. I sit here because I have already lost my cool and gone in and told her to shut up. I sit her because if I don't calm down I know it will just make matters worse then they already are.

I just sit here and listen.

I know some might say I am a horrible mother for telling my child to shut up, but unless you have been in my shoes, unless your a reflux mum, you have no idea.

~gone to check on her~

Once again I am not happy with my behavior. I picked her up but she continued to cry.

Once again I tell her to shut up, this time adding that her incessant crying is probably going to wake up her brother, that he constant 'all about me' attitude is keeping me awake, but really what does she understand.

She has been in this pain all her life, she has known nothing else.

~gone to check on her~

Anger level increasing as well as frustration.

Why are we not wired to cope with something like this?

They give this to babies who have no voice to communicate with, that have no understanding of what they are going through. But us, the parents some how need to console this poor screaming and crying child 24 hours a day without know how to do it.

They say the best thing is to have support around you, and I do have family around me but they can't help. I have a sister that works 2 jobs, a brother that does full time uni and 60 year old parents with a mother that has her own medical problems. So they can't help.

~gone to check on her, once again~

It has now gone over 2 hours. I hate this. I am not made to do this, it wasn't written in mummy code to deal with a reflux baby.

~now sitting up rocking her~

We need a new plan of attack, obviously things are not working as they are getting worse. With me doing all this by myself and not being able to turn to someone help is becoming too much.