Lowest of lows

As you know I have been seeing J (my shrink), and as you also know we have been hitting the tough subjects, and I think we have hit one subject that has really hit me. 

When I was at my lowest of lows and I was using my body as more of an amusement park then a temple, I fell pregnant. 

I was 17 and I was sleeping around so much at the time, I had no idea who the father was and I was taking so many pills that I didn't even know what day it was, but on the other hand I was taking those pills to escape from what happened to me and to escape from who I was becoming. 

I knew that I wasn't going to be the perfect mother to this child. I knew the moment this baby came Earthbound (if it even made it that far) it was going to be addicted to so much crap it wouldn't survive. I knew then and there I had a decision to make.

At that moment in my life I had only one person that care about me and he was involved with the group I was sleeping around with (although I had never slept with him), and he knew something was up with me so I told him. He was very caring (when he shouldn't have been) and he told me that we would work this out together. I had never had a man care about me in this way before, I was used to men hitting on me for sex, or using me, or in other cases hurting me, but this man was gentle and caring...it was so weird to me.

The choice I made was so hard for me as I respected life, I believe that everything, no matter how small has a right to life. But bring this baby into the world, would have no life. If it made it into the world it would probably have so many medical problems, from it's mother's stupidity, and I was in no right mind to look after a child. 

This baby, even though it was never born changed my life forever. It was the reason I became clean and left that horrible life that I was living behind. It changed my life for the better, and I am hoping that I am honoring that child's life for becoming the person that I should have been when I became pregnant with them.