Ramblings

I have so much crap going around in my head at the moment and it is making it very hard to sleep.

I have an appointment with J tomorrow and like usual I have come to the stage where I close off. I don't mean to do as I know I need help, but my mind some how builds back up that wall and allows no one to enter. I have done this with pervious psychologists (although it usually happens sooner then this) and then I usually don't go back and see them, but J is different. I seem to connect really well with her and I the past I have looked forward to our appointments, but I think it is getting to the part where I really need to open up about what happened and I just can't find the strength to do it. I know she has said we don't have to go through it, but I feel that it would beneficial for me as I feel I need to get it out there.

I don't know, I guess when I am ready I will be ready, but I don't want to have to wait another 12 years to tell someone what happened.

I am sorry I am rambling, but I can't sleep and everyone else is asleep so this is my only outlet.