I need a sign

Sometimes I feel like I am waiting for some sort of sign. A sign that would show me what my future holds for me and would tell me if I am on the right track. I just feel like sometimes I am walking this endless path and it is leading me know where.

I feel like that things are not getting better for Charlotte and the hospital trips and the upping of the medication has just stalled things. She is still having periods during the day where she is constantly screaming and crying and refusing her bottles, and being on my own with both the kids while all this is going on is a lot of hard work.

One thing that isn't helping is Lachlan's terrible twos that seems to have amped up something horrendous. He is whinging all the time and really pushing me. I would really like to say that I am handling things with him but with this and the stuff going on with Charlotte it, but I can really say I'm struggling.

Also I haven't been sleeping very well. I haven't been managing to get to bed until 2am some nights as I am just not tired, and even though I am in bed I am not drifting off to sleep until 2 hours later. I really don't know why this is happening and it is really putting my anxiety out of whack and it is also making me extremely agitated which is also making me lash out. I am really not liking the person that I am turning into with lack of sleep.

Anyway have to go Charlotte is starting to scream the house down.

It's been awhile

As the title suggests it has been a while since I last blogged. I wish I could put it down to just being the silly season and not having enough time, but unfortunately Christmas and New Years had nothing to do with it.

Charlotte had some issues over the Christmas period and ended up being hospitalized and it unfortunately meant that she spent her first Christmas in hospital.

One of the major issues was her reflux. She had been screaming and crying continuously and was not drinking her formula, the only time she did sleep was out of exhaustion and the sleep only lasted probably 30 minutes max. Not being able to take my daughter in pain we ended up taking her to the emergency department at the hospital I work at and they admitted her.

The really cute Doctor that was looking after her decided that they would run some tests and he had decided that due to her current state a stay in hospital was in order.

I was really lucky while Charlotte was in Children's ward the nursing staff set a bed up right next to Charlotte's cot. It was a big help as she would only let me hold her and cuddles is all she wanted.

As Christmas Day rolled around Charlotte and I woke to find that Santa had visited her as at the end of the bed laid a Santa sack full of goodies just for her!

The staff that day (and everyday) were truly amazing! They made sure that I was fed as soon as I woke up and they had organised Santa to come a visit all the children on the ward. Also the doctors and nurses fell in love with Charlotte the moment they saw her, and as she was having a good day on Christmas Day she gave out lots of smiles and hugs.

The day was truly mad special just to see her smiling again.

Charlotte and I also got our 15 minutes of fame when to local paper had come in to do a story on one of the kids in the ward. Charlotte was the youngest one there and due to it being her first Christmas they choose her.

Her paediatrician came by at about lunch time Christmas Day and informed us that he was going to keep Charlotte on the 3 times daily Zantac they had started her on when she was first admitted. He also informed us that her hearing seems very sensitive and that he thinks when there is a lot of noise it stresses her which in turn doesn't help with the reflux. He also went on to tell me that there could be possible gastrointestinal issues, which I really don't want to go into, not until we have more tests and find out more about it.

He ended up discharging her so that she could have some sort of Christmas, but it didn't last long as we were readmitted that evening with the same issues.

Eventually we were discharged again and since that day we have tried to make some sort of routine with her and things have started to get better.

Due to Charlotte's issues we had to put Lachlan's toilet training on hold, but that doesn't matter as we can always try another time.

Taking a turn.

I feel things are taking a turn, I am just hoping that they are going in the right direction.

I saw my psychologist yesterday and it was the first time since seeing J that I feel confident that I am doing the right thing. I went in there and was able to talk to her as if I was talking to a friend and I feel like we are getting somewhere. I know there is still a long way to go, but we are making progress.

Also an old friend has come back into my life. Lets call him A. I haven't seen A since his wife had there first baby almost 4 years ago. We are meeting up for a drunk tomorrow which will be great, so we can catch up on things.

Charlotte has hit 3 months and her reflux has kicked up a notch. She is starting to vomit again and have screaming periods. I have a friend from my BH Nov group that has 2 beautiful girls who unfortunately have reflux and she has told me that things get a bit worse at about 3 months, but then tends to balance out when they start solids.

Wow I can't believe that we ate going to start talking about solids. With Lachlan time went so slowly, but with Charlotte time is flying past, though with having 2 kids taking up your time it does go quickly.

Charlotte is also starting to coo. It is so cute hearing all those little noises come out of her mouth.

While Lachlan has his 2 weeks off Childcare we're going to start toilet training. I am excited and nervous about this next stage in his development. One good thing is that we will only have one bub in nappies, but it will be a lot of hard work and it truly mean that he is no long a baby/toddler, but a big boy. Again he is growing up too fast.

Thoughts on bub #3

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my future in terms of more babies. My parents have told me that I shouldn't have anymore due to the problems I had with my pregnancy with Charlotte and that 2 is enough, but to me 2 isn't enough, I don't feel finished.

I have always said that when in my heart I feel done, then I will be done. I don't want to have the what ifs in years to come about whether or not I should of had more children.

Then I thought about the problems in my last pregnancy and how much it took a toll on my body, but every pregnancy is different and I had a beautiful pregnancy with Lachlan and only had a problem with the delivery and we have sorted that now and I now know I need to have a c-section when having a bub.

DH is also worried about having more kids and some how thinks I won't be able to fall pregnant again or that I won't be able to carry the baby to term. I think the only person that isn't worried us myself.

Having another bub is not going to happen straight away, not even next year. I have to give my incision time to heal and I need to give my mind time to heal again. Next year is going to be about me. I am going to focus on losing weight which I have left over from having Lachlan as I only put on 3kg with her and I lost all that when I had her...as it helped that she is 2.7kg lol. I am also going to continue studying as well.

I have thought about trying when Charlotte is 2, Lachlan will also be close to being 4 which will make life a bit easier and which will hopefully mean when bub #3 is here it will be the only one in nappies, also when bub #3 is due it will mean that Lachlan will be close to or in kindergarten. I can't believe is said that kindergarten!

In other matters Charlotte is coming up to the end of her 4th week on Zantac. This is when we will stop it and see if it has any effect on her and if things have improved. If they haven't we will be upping her dose and continuing the Zantac and will need to see the paediatrician again.

Also we have hit the terrible twos in full force and Lachlan has upped the tantrums. Hopefully this is the worst of it...fingers crossed.

This and that

Well it has been a long week. DH started night shift last Sunday which basically has seen me turned into a single mum as he works all night and sleeps all day. It has been an eye opener and really does test your patients. Thankfully the kids haven't been too bad, although the first night DH went to work Lachlan saw him leave through his window and started crying out "I want daddy!" I guess it is probably hard for a 2 year old to comprehend that daddy now goes to work at night now, not during the day.

Charlotte has done well through all this and has let me have decent block sleeps, going to sleep at about 8.30pm and waking up at about 4 or 5 in the morning, though it doesn't help that Lachlan loves to wake up at about 6-6.30am.

It has also has taken a bit to get used to that DH is at home but asleep, and with a 2 year old it is hard to keep him at an inside voice rather then screaming his lungs out, but hey terrible twos are here so probably not the best time to start night shift lol.

Lachlan's birthday party (the one at our place) was on the 10th November and he got totally spoilt, also his party with Nanny (DH's Mum) he got spoilt as well, though they don't really buy age appropriate toys which I find annoying as I am the bad mum that takes them away from him as I don't want him getting hurt or swallowing parts (insert eye roll).

The party with Poppy (DH's dad) has been cancelled as he is getting married on the 24th November and DH and I didn't see the point of taking up to big drives to place in a short space of time.

An update of Charlotte's reflux things were good for a while, although now she seems to be bring up her feeds again and having screaming session. I am starting to think that see needs her dose upped as she has now put on more weight. I am going to need to make an appointment with her paediatrician so we can get it sorted.

On my front I am still seeing J my psychologist and we have been hitting some tuff subjects, but thankfully she is giving me ways to cope. I am also still taking my medication as well and I have hit my third week on it.

Happy 2nd Birthday Lachlan!

I can't believe it my baby boy turns 2 today, it has just gone so quick!

17 hours of labour and an emergency c-section was all worth it to have this beautiful little man in my arms today. He constantly surprises and amazes me with what he does and what he has achieved in his past 2 years of his life.

DH and I are so incredibly proud of him in every way, especially with how he has accepted Charlotte into our family. He is so in love with his little sister and very protective.

Yesterday he had the first if his parties (he is having 3 parties due to DHs parents, but that is a whole other story), it went so well and everyone enjoyed themselves. Lachlan got really spoilt (as usual) and crashed at 6pm last night and didn't wake up until 7.30 this morning, so he partied really hard yesterday.

Today we are meeting up with DH mum and her husband for lunch (2nd party).

Shrink session.

Who turns up 20 minutes for there psychologist appointment?...me that's who. I am sitting in the waiting room and again I am thinking about walking out the door.

Is this really for me? Is this really going to work?

These are the thoughts that are running through my head. I am trying to be positive about these appointments (ok I know I have only been to 1 appointment) but I keep thinking deep down I am waisting my time and J's.

-------------------------------------------

So I just had my appointment, in some ways I am glad I went to it but in other ways I'm not. We hit some hard areas and I got really anxious. J says that it would be good to let go and to talk about what happened to me, but my head is holding me back.

I haven't told anyone about what happened to me and only DH knows parts. This is going to really take a lot out of me to talk about it.

Anyway on another note my little Charlie Bear is now weighing 4.5kg