As the title suggests i think Lachlan's birth is starting to sink in. I thought i was fine with what went on but for some reason when i think about what happened i start to get a bit anxious. Every time i think of the sound the monitor that was monitoring Lachlan's heart beat as it dropped so low that it started to alarm, or when i think about how they rolled me on my side after the epidural kicked in, i was in so much pain as Lachlan became so distressed It makes me so anxious. There is also other things that make me anxious as well like when i was in the operating theatre as i was losing so much blood and feeling that i would drop Lachlan when he was on my chest as i felt i was going in and out of consciousness, also when Michael and Lachlan left my side when i pasted out from the blood loss.
I also hated the loss of control that felt when i had the c-section, or the guilt i felt when i could no longer breast feed Lachlan, i felt that i was not giving him the best start to the world. All these feelings i am having are not helping with my anxity.
I know i am probably just being silly and over thinking things when i shouldn't be. I will just have to try and put them aside and try and over come them.
Love won.
7 years ago
1 comments:
Awww mate...
I'm not reading anything there that sounds abnormal in regards to how you are feeling. Often with traumatic events (and with your past you may already know this first hand) it can take some time for how you are really feeling to come. You're probably getting to a stage now where things are getting a bit easier and you're in a bit of routine, so you're subconscious has time to explore what happened.
Birth is generally made out to be such a wonderful bonding experience. Unfortunately, when things go wrong they tend to go really wrong and very quickly. No matter how open minded a person can be, there is a limit to what one can prepare for or imagine can possible happen. Even then, what is imagined is rarely reality.
It is hard thing to feel like quilty for not being able to breastfeed. Sure it is the utopia but sometimes things just happen. You went out with the best intention...it isn't your fault. At the end of the day, this little man will still grow up to be big and strong and healthy. Noone is going to look at him when he starts school and go with hushed whispers "Oh... well his mother clearly didn't give him the boob!"
Everything you are feeling is valid but I would absolutely recommend talking about these things as much as possible and seeking help...especially if it starts to become consuming and smells a bit like PND.
From all other accounts, you are doing well as a Mum and should be so proud of what you've doing to get this far.
xxxx
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