Trapped

When having a baby everyone is so excited for you, and you and your partner (if you have one) and excited at the fact that you will be bringing a new life into the world and into your family. But no one really explains the aftermath and what a baby brings.

The sleepless nights that you will have until that child probably turns 18, the constant tears and tantrums, feeding that starts around the clock, the watching the clock as you sit there and wonder how long they have been asleep, should I wake them up or even is it time for the next feed, the nappies, trying forever to get them off to sleep to only realise that it is feeding time again and that you will need to start all over again, and the other multitude of things that come with a baby.

But the real thing is no one explains how trapped you feel.

I know when I found out that I was having my son I was so excited that I was having a baby. I loved reading up what was happening with him and my body each week and that I counted down the months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds in anticipation until I could meet him. I was thinking of all the things we could do together, all the outings we would have before I returned to work.

Once he was born he was perfect he matched every expectation that I had for him and I was so glad that he came into the world safe and that he chose myself and my DH to be his parents. Although his start to life was a little bumpy and us being new parents and not really knowing what was going on, lets just say it was a big learning curve for all of us.

Once we left the hospital bubble where you have help a button away the fear set in, not really knowing if taking a feed away would be ok? Should we change his nappy over night? When it was time for a feed should we wake him up? And when we couldn't come up with the answers it was great to have my mum on speed dial as with her wealth of knowledge she answered these questions and a million other ones that we had.

With my mum on our side we became more confident in the way that we were handling things and then it was time for DH to go back to work...and I was alone. Alone with this little baby and not knowing how I would handle things by myself.

I suddenly felt trapped. Trapped with this baby relying on me for everything. My DH kept telling me that I was a wonderful mother and that while he was here I was doing most of the things on my own, but I kept thinking that I didn't have my cheer squad with me.

I know some of the things I did other parents would probably frown on me for doing so, like letting my son sleep in his bouncer for he day sleeps because he wouldn't sleep in his cot during the day. But having him there in his bouncer made me feel safe for some reason, I think it was because I knew he was safe.

But feeling trapped was still in the back of my mind. I had a car with a baby seat, I had a pram, I had people that I could go see, but all I wanted was to stay in my safe little bubble that I call home. There was many days that I wouldn't get changed as I knew that I wouldn't be leaving the house. If I did make plans I would cancel them. Even though Lachlan is 6 months old there is still times where I don't get changed out of my pjs because I know I am not leaving the house.

I Joined a gym in hope that I would get out of the house more and have some separation time from Lachlan as I would drop him over at my parents. And it worked for a while, as I also booked myself in with a personal trainer whom I see twice a week so that it would help me get out of the house, but sadly all I do now is see my personal trainer and don't go in any other days.

The other outing that I have one a fortnight is to see my mum and grandma and Lachlan also comes with us. Once a fortnight we go and have a look around the shops and that is mostly an all day thing.

I don't have any friends because most of them ditched me when I became pregnant so I don't get any visitors at all, so that also adds to the isolation that I am feeling.

Going back to work will probably be a great thing for me as it will get me out of my hermit ways. I am just hoping that being trapped in this house won't lead to Lachlan having separation issues when I do return to work.

Alright so this has been a long rambling post, so I will end it here.