Secret Women's Buisness...what has happend

I feel as thought i have lost a piece of myself. Our little group seems to be falling a part. With 4 of us being pregnant it seems that we are all timid to share our news and i believe the TTCers are also afriad to tell us what is really going on as they don't want to bring down the group...but really none of us should be doing that.

I know myself coming from not having many friends as i have lived a life where i have pushed everyone out of my life due to choices i have have made and i know now where i am in my life with my depression and anxitiy i haven't been able to go out an make new friends, i call these girls my closest friends. I have been able to tell them my darkest secrets and i know that they will not judge me and they will offer adivce and support me.

This group has been there for me in more ways then one, and now that i am pregnant i want to share everything with them i want to be able to tell them what i am feeling, i want to be able to tell them the sex of the baby when i find out, i want them to be one of the first people i tell when i feel the first kick...i also want to be able to tell them the other stuff when i am having a really crappy day.

But i also want them to tell me when they are having a crappy day, i want to be that (computer) shoulder to lean on when they feel like they want to give up. I miss that awesome bond we had when we were all TTC.

Girls i miss you and i would do anything to change what is going on with us, i want my best friends back.

Today was a better day

Today was a much better day then the last too.

Although i am still really tired and have sore feet and legs i am feeling much better.

Don't really have much to write at the moment but my heart is going out to one of my FB friends she is having a break from all this trying to conceive stuff, which is understandable considering what she has been through. I have been there in her shoes and i have wanted to give up, i hope that she comes through this break and just learns to put her first and it puts her into a better mind set.

And i thought yesterday was hard...i thought wrong

After yesterdays hard day, today i think that i had a major melt down. I got into work at 0630 and there were already people there waiting to be checked in and then from there it was like chaos, the phone didn't stop ringing and people kept pressing the buzzer to come in. The nurses didn't stop and because i am the only admin in the ward i couldn't have a break let alone a drink of water (this can't be healthy for the baby). I just don't know what else i can do, if i go on a break the work doesn't get done and patients don't get checked in and if i don't go on a break it doesn't help me or baby. It really sucks!

But anyway after this really crappy day i got home and laid down on the floor and started crying. DH laid down on the floor with me while i sobbed to him how bad my day was and how i don't think i will be able to last til October when i want to take maternity leave. I feel like i need to talk to someone who has been in this postion before or to see my doctor to see what i should be doing in this situation as i don't think it is right...maybe he might be able to write me a letter to say that i need at least 2 breaks in a day or to say that i need to go to light duties so that i am not so run off my feet. Ahh we will see you never know what might happen but i do know that i am soooo looking forward to next week and seeing my sisters.

A long hard day

Well I am so glad that today is over, it has been such a long day with too many patients and not enough beds to put them on...if they want to fix anything in the health system they need to get my unit more beds.

I have been thinking i won't be able to last until October when i would like to go on Maternity leave. Work has been so hard and i spend so much time on my feet that i am only 16 weeks and my legs and feet are starting to get really sore, and its not like i can turn to someone i work with to help me out as i am the only one in my ward that does the type of work i do, which also means that i will have to train someone to do the work i do...fun...not!

I am thinking that i will talk to Dr Davis about how long i can work up til...i am guessing with my other medical problems as well that will play a factor. I have a specialist appointment in August with my Haematologist (as he didn't want to see me before unless i was having problems.) I think i will talk with Dr Davis when i see him after my 19 weeks scan....i have an appointment on the 16th June.


I guess the next big thing that i have to think of is my trip to Melbourne next week which i am really looking forward to as i haven't seen my older sister since before Christmas as she was unable to come up. so it will be a nice girls weekend as my younder sister is also coming with us...i wonder if they will let me on the flight first as i am pregnant? i will have to do some research on that.

Deciding to do something

Yesterday DH and i decided that we would start cleaning up the baby's room. So we move everything out that didn't need to be there like our spare bed and some clothes and boxes. Then we had a crazy idea that we would put the cot together and then as i cleaned it up DH asked how we would put it together...now i thought that he was making a joke and i laughed but really he was asking a valid question, as apparently my sister in law didn't give us the screws and bolts (or what ever that puts it together. (rolling my eyes) She gave us the cot but forgot the vital componets to put it together. So DH is going to contact her today to see if she stills has them because if she doesn't we will either have to get new ones from Bunnings or we will need to get a new cot....why do things have to be so complicated sometimes.

Also yesterday i cried like a baby. Over the past months DH has been downloading me Grey's Anatomy as i couldn't wait for it to come on TV....but anyway on Thursday in the US it was the season finial and DH downloaded it for me on Friday night so that i could watch it Saturday morning when i got up.
So when i got up on Saturday DH made me breakfast set me up in front of the TV and turned it on...IT WAS ONE OF THE BEST EPISODES EVER!!!! I am not going to give anything away (unless you want me too) but i cried like a baby...and Meredith my heart goes out for you (great now i am thinking that her character is real lol) well i have been there where she is...and that is all i am saying.

Today is looking like another day where i am going to bored...last night DH and i were so bored that we went for a drive to Maccas to get ice cream...and we didn't go to the closest Maccas either. Hopefully we can pick up those screws or what ever for the cot and we can put that together.

Sexual tension

Well i think i am in that second stage now, and i have read that this can happen. I have started to feel like i need sex...and it doesn't seem normal...i am usually a very sexual person and before i was preganant i had a very high sex drive, but when i found i was pregnant i was a bit scared of having sex as i thought that it would be a bit ruff (not saying that we have really ruff sex) but with losing 2 babies i was a bit nervous about having sex.

But getting back to the point i feel like i really need it now. Like today i was following one of the maintance men at work today and i felt like that cartoon character that was really hungery and was looking at a person and that person was a steak...and well i really want that steak. But i really love my husband and i would never cheat on him and i would never even think of cheating on him but i think that it is all the hormones going crazy...also i see my husband as that steak as well.

Don't you love the curve balls that pregnancy throws you

Any on the pregnany front today i was feeling a little sick but i think it was because i didn't have a break...well im going to have to start making sure that i have breaks.

Today i also met an amazing lady that was have a surgery today to suture her cervex. She has a child that is now 21 year old and now she is 13 weeks pregnant with her second child and she is 44 year old. Lastr year in september she had brain surgery and the doctors told her family that if she put into her brain she could bleed to death...well she went against odds and had the surgery and once she was better she had IVF and now she is 13 weeks it is so amazing

blah

Well i have made a decission that i was going to writ in here everyday from now on, but...i have no idea what to say really.

Well that i am feeling today is flat. I am tired, and my arms and legs feel heavy i think work is just getting to me. i do a lot of walking and standing and i am thinking that this might be effecting me. I might have to talk to my boss and see if i can start taking more breaks...i don't know if i will be able to get them but there is no harm in trying.

All going well

I was glad after my appointment today with Dr Davis today, i was starting to worry that things weren't going to well with baby. But after i heard the heart beat that sound filled my ears and it was like i was in heaven. Hearing that beating is so amazing.

Dr Davis said that everything was going well and that he didn't want to see me until after my next scan which is on the 19th May and it is also after i come back from Melbourne when my sisters and i will be spending some quality time together.

Haven't felt any movement yet but i am not concerned about it now as i got to hear the heart beat. But i think i feel something but i am kinda not sure if it is real or not and i haven't told DH about it as i don't want him to think that i am feeling phantom movements...lets just wait for the real thing.

Another day another dollar

Well i think i am getting really sick of working and being pregnant...is it a little bit too soon to be thinking this?

I am just sick of not being able to take a break when i need to, to eat or being able to sit down when my feet are getting tired. But hey i am just having a whinge, i am getting paid right.

Leaving work early tomorrow so i can make it to my OB appointment on time tomorrow.

Computers are a pain in the ass

I know that this isn't really a baby subject but computers are really the biggest pain in the ass!!!

Last night our lap top charger decided that it would spark and start smoking and spread this disgusting smelling smell around the house. So DH turned off the lap top and took the charger out of the laptop and Myself, Hamish (the kitten) and Dh when and sat on our front pourch for about an hour while inside aired out with all the windows and doors were open...it also didn't help that last night was really cold, but DH and i had a good talk as we watched Hamish explore his outside surroundings.


Anywho today we spent our day looking for a computer screen as my parents had a spare computer tower thingie lying around as my older brother who is living with them at the moment is always trying to make thier computers better and faster, so that saved us a bit of money, also we got a great deal on a computer screan as one of the computer stores near us were having a sale.


SO ON THE BABY FRONT.

Things seem to be going well as i am having couple of twingers which have be slightly painful like a quick stabbing pain, but it has been something i have been able to handle. I am also seeing Dr Davis on Tuesday for my every 3 weeks appointment so i will let him know that i have been having these pains, but as he has an ultra sound machine in his office i am sure he will have a look at baby to see if it is ok.

Also I haven't bee able to shake this cold i have had. DH is slightly worried as last night i was coughing for 2 hours none stop during the night, but i guess it is a hard thing to stop as i am not able to take anything for it...but i guess that is another thing to tell Dr Davis about and he might have some words of wisdom for me.

I don't feel right doing it

I have noticed that DH and i haven't bought any baby items yet. I know when have been given some things but we haven't actually gone out and bought anything for ourseleves to so that we could show that "hey we are having a baby".

i am wondering if it is that we have a little bit of guilt doing it as we were so excited when i was pregnant with Jensen. But with this baby we are super nervous and i have been wraped out in bubble wrap and i guess we don't want to buy anything just in case something happens.

As DH` and i have a couple of days off this week i have asked him we can go in tomorrow and buy something, even if it is a blanket. I know when we lost Jensen we wraped him up in a the first baby blanket we bought him to keep him warm and safe.

Mother's Day

All day i have not been able to get over that this day will be my last not being a mother. It is an amazing feeling knowing that it wont be long until i will be able to feel my baby kick and that it won't be too far away until i can hold my baby.

i am just hoping that i will be a great mother like my mother. She is such an amazing woman.

Cold is still hanging around.

Well my cold is still here...(oh i wish it was gone) but other then that nothing much is going on. So i hope something interesting happens tomorrow.

Pregnant and I have a cold.

This is so annoying!!!

Usually when i have a cold i go straight to the chemist and get some cold and flu tablets and that does the trick...but of course being pregnant you cant really take anything so i am keeping up the fulids and lying on the couch...when is this cold going to go away?

The Unfairness of life

I know in life there are things that are uncontrollable but in some ways i wish that our bodies and the babies that grown in our bodies could be something that we can control.

Our lives and the life of our baby should be in our hands and no one should be able to take that way from us. The sadness I feel in this moment for one of my close friends who had her sweet little angel taken away from her and her husband is nothing that i can put into words.

Losing a baby is something i want no one to go through, i wish her and her husband all the love and support in the world.

Been awhile and things have changed

It has been such a long time that i have posted on here and things have changed so much. I am now pregnant, i am actually closing in on my 14th week and my husband and i are so excited!

The things i have missed out posting on here are:

6 weeks 1 day (Monday 15th March 2010) ~ After a scare on the weekend after noticing what look like old blood (some sort of brown substance that i thought looked like old blood) i went into see my Doctor and he sent me for a ultra sound. This day was one of the most exciting and scary days of my life. I didnt know wheathe my baby was alive, but once i saw that ultra sound as saw the little heart flickering on the screen i cried. My husband finially had something right going on in our lives after our two losses that we had already had.

6 weeks - 12 weeks (Sunday 14th March 2010 - 25th April 2010) ~ Morning sickness. What else can i say too this? I thought the idea of pregnancy was so romantic and then you get the constant nausea and gagging and if you are one of the lucky ones you get the vomiting as well. Thankfully i only had one day of vomiting and believe me that was enough. I think for about the first two weeks of morning sickness all i ate was rice crakers. But now that it is all over i can now eat normally.

11 weeks 6 days (Friday 23rd March 2010) ~ 2nd ultra sound. One of the most amazing moments in my life. Watching my husbands face light up as the baby appeared on the monitor made my heart melt and tears come from my eyes. It looked so life like and seeing its little legs kick as well i cant get over how beautiful it was.

12 weeks 2 days (Tuesday 27th April 2010) ~ first appointment with Obstetrician. I was really nervous as i was sure what i should expect at this appointment, but he was really awesome. When my husband and i went in he took my medical history and also checked out my baby. Once that was all down he told me that my pregnancy was not going to be straight forward (which both my husband and i knew) and he asked for me to come in every 3 weeks so that he could keep a close eye on me. Then he filled out my admission papers for the hospital and gave me a blood test referral and sent me on my way.

So the date is now 7th May 2010 and everything is going wonderfully! I have my appointment booked for the hospital and i have also booked the prenatal classes as well. I am so looking forward to this journey.