1st session

Well first couples counselling session today and it was very emotional. Before we got into what we were there for she wanted to know some background history on us. DH was very easy and only took a couple of minutes to tell her his history on himself, for me it took a bit longer.

I told her about how I was gang rapped when I was 14 and how I turned to drugs to help numb the pain, I told her how from there I dated my drug dealer and to pay for the drugs I used he passed me around to his friends to do whatever they wanted. When I turned 18 that is when I met DH.

From there she wanted to know our history together. We told her how DH basically saved my life and made me healthy again physically. We told her how we lost our beautiful Angel Jensen Finn at 20 weeks and how I felt like life once again felt empty and how I no longer wanted to be here. We also told her that over 11 weeks ago.

Then we moved on to why we were there, it was time for DH to talk, and what next came out of his mouth I didn't want to hear. He didn't just kiss her, much more happened. I felt numb, like my whole world was falling apart. He had sex with her. And more then just once.

I opened my mouth but nothing came out, it was like my words themselves were too disgusted to even be heard by him. The counselor asked him why he didn't tell me what happened from the start? DH said that it was because he didn't want to hurt me and with me leaving him last Friday I realisation of what he had done had hit him and that he knew he was going to lose every thing that he had held so close to him.

I just don't know what to do anymore. My head keeps telling me to fight, but my heart is shattered and I don't know if I can ever our it back together again.