A date and fears of the past

I am kinda nervous about tomorrow as I have a date tomorrow...With my husband.

It will be the first time we have been alone (other then when we have been in bed together) since I returned home. I know I shouldn't be nervous about it as we have been on dates before, but I guess I am worried that this date might lack conversation, because I have been nervous about opening up to him again as he did betray me.

There has been a few things happening to me lately which I have told him, due to the lack of trust I have with him. Recently the wall that I have had holding back everything that happened with me when I was raped, has been cracking. I have been seeing images that I not wanted to see in nearly 10 years, and this is scaring me.

I haven't been sleeping in fear that I will have nightmares about that night. Even just closing my eyes for a moment the images, the sensation of them touching me scares me, I start shaking and feel like that I am going to be sick.

I haven't really thought about that night all to much in a couple of years as I had built this wall up since I was 18 and have slowly been putting everything of that night behind it so that I wouldn't have to think about it, but I think the stress of what has happened with me and DH has slowly been cracking it and just recently the images of what happened that night have been slowly leaking through.

I don't know if I am strong enough to build that wall back up. When I built that wall up when I was 18 I was into illegal drugs and in a very abusive relationship so I had the drugs to escape. This time around I have nothing like that and I don't know if I am strong enough to do it on my own.