Probably about 2dpo

I had the worst cramping on CD 14 when I O'ed...it was the worst pain that I have ever felt...it was up there with contractions. DH was about ready to take me to the hospital, but I informed him that it was probably the Clomid working and getting those eggs to meep his spermies lol, although I did promis him that if the pain got worse he could send me to the hospital.

I did another OPK on CD 15 and it was negative so I am keeping everything crossed that we managed to catch that egg, it would be a great early birthday present for DH as his birthday is on the 16th and I can probably start testing from the 7th. I see Dr Davis on the 9th and he will probably give me a blood test to get my HCG tested if we get a positive HPT. Although our next step is on the 3rd when I get my 21 day blood test done, and I will probably get the results of that on the 9th as well.

One thing I will really love us that if we are UTD this cycle we will get the BFP on around DH birthday and bub will be due around my birthday (mine is the 16th September) my friend says that it is fate, and I am a big believer of fate. It would be so special if it comes true.

O Day!

I O'ed today!!!...well go a positive OPK.

So excited that today it happened, just like Dr Davis said it would. I am keeping everything crossed that this cycle it happens.

We have been doing the deed since 25th December and will continue doing it until the 29th December. I am also going to be enjoying my new year with a couple of drinks and then test about the 9th or 10th Jan.

Please keep everything crossed for me.

New years resolutions

I usually think around this time of year about what I will do to make the next year a better year, but I think anything I do next year wont make this year a distant memory.

This year has tested my marriage with DH having an affair in January/February of this year, and that had created in itself a mired of other obstacles to over come. I miscarried in April this year, or 3rd loss overall which just creates more pain in my heart. In July I am diagnosed with PCOS and started on metformin. November I discover that I haven't been ovulating and am given a referral to see Dr Davis. Dr Favis starts gives me a scrip for Clomid. December (the 14th to be exact) I started Clomid, and in that cycle I remain to finish out the year.

I am hoping to start the New Year differently this year. I don't want any fights, I don't want to be thinking about last year (even though it was the first full year with my son, and that has been ruined by my DH stupidity), I just want to forget about this year completely. If I get up the duff this cycle I will be due to test around DH birthday 16th January) so that will be a great present for him, as I will keep it a secret from him and wrap the test up as a present for him.

I know you are not meant to use a pregnancy as keeping a couple together, and please don't think I am, but I am thinking that me becoming pregnant at the beginning of next year, where all the crap of last year stared would be a great new beginning for us both. I love my husband and I know what he did was wrong, and he knows that he has hurt me so much, and he has tried so hard over this year to glue this family back together, and I can't see myself having children with anyone else.

So my New Years Resolutions are:

- to become pregnant

- to lose weight

- to get a tattoo (have been wanting Lachlan's name plus so other meaningful ones for a while now)

- to continue studying

- to keep mending my relationship with DH.

These are the major things I want to happen and I believe they are reachable if I am in the right mindset.

As for For me trying to conceive I am currently CD 10. I am still feeling the hot flushes and the metformin is still giving me the dry mouth so I am trying to keep up the fluids.

Eminem - Love The Way You Lie ft. Rihanna

Do know what it is about this song but it just seemed to fit the crap of a year I had

CD 8

I took my last Clomid tablet on CD 6 and I know I was a little bit moody but I seem to be better at the moment...well with the medication anyway.

Things with DH have been up and down and that is due to a number of factors, which I don't feel up to talking about right now.

I congratulated my sister in law...even though I didn't really want to...but I am the stronger and bigger person.

And the Crap just keeps on coming...

Well since my last post things have gotten a little better but today I am back to being emotional (and the pills might not being helping).

On Wednesday 14th December I started my first round of Clomid and I have been nausea ever since then. And I think that these pills are making me bitchy.

But today I found out that my sister in law is pregnant (this is the one that said horrible things to me when I lost Jensen). I am so emotional and hurt.

Hurt

I am feeling so hurt right now and I don't know of anyone I can turn to.

My heart is breaking and I feel so betrayed. So dirty.

I don't know how I can express how I am feeling or tell him how he has made me feel.

The tears have continuously been rolling down my cheeks since he told me. The anger has been bubbling to boiling point and at one point last night it spilled over in an outburst of rage. My chest is sore from uncontrollable sobbing.

But still I sit here not knowing what I should do. My head is all confused and clouded, my heart is in a million pieces and can't be found. How am I meant to make this decision? How am I meant to make the decision that will change our lives forever? How am I meant to say I failed?

Is it actually my fault? Did I cause this? Was there something that I could have done to prevent this?

Why do bad things always happen to me?

7 Days Past Ovulation

I am so excited about this cycle!!

I love that I ovulated all by myself, the thought that we didn't need anything to help us, is truly blessing.

So far I feel like I have been having some symptoms (and I think this is why I am getting so excited...and I hope that this won't end in tears). The symptoms that I have been feeling are:

- Nausea
- Fatigue
- frequent peeing
- Cramps...and they don't feel like period type cramps.

I know I am only 7 days past ovulation but I really needed to take a pregnancy test just to deal with that little addiction, and it was negative which I knew it would be, but I hope over the next couple of days it becomes positive, when I fell pregnant with Lachlan I got a positive pregnancy test at 11 days past ovulation, so fingers crossed that this is our month!

OMG I O'ed

I can't believe it. 2 days after seeing my GYNE I O...I think the Clomid scared me into Oing!

I have a script for Clomid

So yesterday I saw my GYNE Dr Davis....and he gave me a script for Clomid!

I am excited, nervous and disappointed about starting Clomid. I am excited about starting it as it gives us a better chance of falling pregnant (and maybe TWINS!!!). I am really excited that we have a 1 in 20 chance of falling pregnant with twins.

I am nervous about going on Clomid as I feel like that this might be it for a while if Clomid doesn't work as we will have to organise our self to continue other treatments.

I am also disappointed at the fact that I managed to fall pregnant on my own with Lachlan and now we are needing some assistance. I feel like I have let myself down a bit (I know there are people worse off then me), I just really hope that it does work for us.

At the appointment Dr Davis was really straight forward and he got to the point (which I liked). He was happy (well you know what I mean) with the diagnosis that my GP found which was PCOS. He went over how my cycles were going and how the metformin wasn't working for me and then started writing out a 21 Day blood test and a script for Clomid.

When AF shows her face (I can't believe how eager for her to turn up) I need to make an appointment for Dr Davis in 4 weeks. I will need to continue taking my metformin, I will also start taking the Clomid from CD 2 for 5 days. Dr Davis said that I would most likely O (if I do 0) around CD 14 and then on CD 21 I would have my 21 day blood test to see if I O.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

No Man's Land

Well at the moment I am in no man's land. I am CD 14 and not much is going on.

My hours have change at work and I am working Sunday (with double time), Monday (10% loading) and Tuesday (10% loading), which isn't too bad as I am getting a little bit more money. Even though I am missing out of one full day with DH it isn't too bad as he doesn't get much alone time with Lachlan and at least this gives him a chance to have that, we don't want Lachlan becoming too much of a mumma's boy LOL.

I don't belong

I am in a weird place at the moment.

There are things happening at work at the moment and I am feeling like I don't want to be there. We have a new manager and he is changing everything and it isn't for the good of the unit, also my friend (seems like my only friend at work) resigned today and as she is having surgery on Monday she won't be coming back to work.

I have 2 on line groups that I am part of on Facebook (which I think I have mentioned a coupe of times on here before) and I feel like I don't belong in them either. As by the time I manage to get into the group on an afternoon they are all in the middle of their own conversations and if there have been questions asked they have all been answered and there is no point me adding to it.

There is also the matter of real life. As you all know I don't have many friends, if any, and this may be partly my own fault as I don't trust people very easily so I tend to push people away before I get the chance to know them. I did have a good selection of friends before I found out I was pregnant, but once I became pregnant they all turned away from me and now the one that I thought that was my best friend is 15 weeks pregnant and keeps contacting me for advice and advice only...I feel so used.

It is also coming up to a year since DH cheated on me and it hurts so bad knowing that he did that too me. I know that we are working through things still, and things have been really good but it seems that I am beginning to push him away again. I really don't want to and I don't really want dive back into the past but I have a feel over the next couple of weeks it might happen.

Its been a while

Well Lachlan's birthday was a huge success!!!

Our little man was so spoilt with all the pressies that he received from the family and he had a great time playing with his (step) cousin Dylan. I must say that I wasn't as stressed as I thought that I would be and everything ran very smoothly and everyone had a really good time. Like at every function I put together there was way too much food, so everyone went home will a doggy bag of left overs.

I must say that I still can't believe that I have a one year old. It was today a year ago that we brought our little Lachie home and we sat him in the car seat in the middle of the lounge room (he was asleep) and we looked at him and then at each other and it was like what the hell do we do now!!! Thank God it didn't take long for us to get into a nice routine.

I do love that I have been really lucky to have some time off with him and to have gone back to part time work as it has been amazing to watch him grow into the little man that he is now. He is the most amazing little human being that I have ever met and I am so glad that he choose DH and I to be his parents. (Which re minds me I should really put some pics of him up).

On the TTC front AF decided on Lachlan's birthday of all days that she would show up (HOW RUDE!!). So this is now our 4th Cycle (this time around) that we have been TTC, DH and I will be trying the sperm meets egg method this month. We thought that seen as though in the middle of the cycle is when we see Dr Davis (28th November), so we don't really have much to lose.

I am also calling Dr Davis my good luck charm, as when we last saw him about TTC issues (Jan 2010) the next month we found out we were pregnant with Lachlan, so I am hoping that he will be lucky for us this time around as well!!

Tomrrow is the day!

I can't believe that a year ago today at 5pm was when it all started happening.

5pm is when I got my first contraction, although I didn't realise it was a contraction as it wasn't really that painful. I thought that I was braxtons hicks so I pop some panadol and had a relaxing bath (which I fell asleep in) and then went to bed.

The next day is when everything got interesting.

I am sitting here thinking about everything that happened and I am little sadden that this year has gone so quick, that tomorrow he isn't my little baby any more, that he is my toddler/1 year old.

Well I guess he will always be my little baby boy, even when he is 30.

Keeping fingers crossed

Well I think I might be Oing!!!

Things seem to be going in the right direction, my cervix is high, firm and opening and I think for the last 2 days my CM is looking egg white...so please let me O.

Well this day a year ago I was 1 day overdue and I went in and saw my OB and he gave me a S&S to get things moving. 3 more days and my bub will be 1

Today a year ago

Today a year ago was Lachlan's due date. I remember that I went for a 2 hour walk to try and get him to budge, but that didn't work, as Lachlan had other plans.

I remember Michael being really nervous about me being able to go into labour any day now but I was calm about the labour and really excited about meeting our baby boy

CD 14 and 5 days until Lachlan Turns 1!

Well currently CD 14 and I really must say I feel like there is nothing happening. I have barely any CM and feel very dry down there, I think I am actually afraid to chart that in my FF chart. I have also been checking my cervix and that is high, firm and closed at the moment so that is gearing up for something (who knows what at the moment). I guess it is a wait and see at the moment, I guess one good thing is that my appointment with my GYNE is only 2 weeks away so that gives me hope at the moment.

I just can't believe how much thing can change in a year and a half, fertility wise. I go from being able to conceive in 6 months to having PCOS and needing mess to control things, it really puts me in head spins thinking about it.

Well in more exciting news Lachlan turns 1 in 5 days can you believe it! DH and I ordered the cake on Saturday and also bought some decorations as well. I still don't really know what to get him in terms of a present, I haven't really seen anything that catches my eye yet. I guess I have a few more days to have a look around so I might see something then.

For his party (I might already mentioned this so I am sorry if am repeating myself) we are only having something small. It is mostly going to be my family and 1 set of michael's parents (as having both sets equals disaster) which is kind of nice as our house isn't that big and Lachlan won't remember the party. We will do something bigger in later years.

My Heart hurts

Today a friend of mine announced on FB that she is pregnant (I have known that she is pregnant since she took the test). But I must say that my heart hurts so much to hear this news.

Now don't get me wrong, I am thankful for everyday I carried Lachlan, and for every day that I get to hold him in my arms. But my heart hurts for the days that I don't get to hold my Jensen and my other two angle babies.

I long for the day that I get to hold Jensen once again in my arms, and to hold my two angle babies for the first time.

I look at the tickers that I have at the end of my blog and see all the time has passed since they were in my life. I love them so much and I will never get the chance to see the kind of people they will grow up to be.

The girls in the BH November group say they are always with me and I do believe that. I just wish they were here in flesh and blood.

I love and miss them.

CD 6

Well I have hit CD 6 and AF left yesterday which was really nice as DH and I had a date night last night. We haven't had one in a while and it was nice to go out for dinner and to go see a movie as the last one we saw was the Transforma's movie.

I am hoping that this cycle will be more eventful. I have ordered some O strips (fingers crossed they work this time around).

New Blog and CD1

There comes a time in ones blogging life to start a new blog....well I needed to as I seemed to be having problems with mine and I was getting fed up with it...so here to the new blog.

Well as you can see I am CD 1. I am kind of glad to say that thank God she showed up! I knew I wasn't ovulating and it was kind of getting fed up that she wasn't showing up for me. So with a new cycle comes once again the metformin, so I started back up with that again and as I haven't seen Dr Davis yet (appointment on the 28th November) this is the only medication that I will be taking.

I haven't rung around to acupuncture places just yes so I will be doing that sometime soon so I can set up an appointment to see if that will help me ovulate.

On the Lachlan front, he is currently singing to his lunch lol. I can't believe that soon my little baby (who isn't really a baby anymore) will be 1!!! Time has just flown by so quickly!

Hopefully with that time we will be blessed with another bundle of joy!!!

CD 68 and a BFN

Well as the title suggests I got a BFN this morning and I still don't really have any answers...but I guess I should resign myself to the fact that I am PCOS bitch.

Dh is going to take me to the doctors tomorrow as he wants some answers, and to understand a bit more what is going on with me and what our next step is...well I think he is going to demand it. I love that he is taking a interest in what is going on as it shows me that he really cares and that he wants more children rather then just saying that he wants them.

I really want to O...I need to O...I want to add more children to our family.

11 Months!!

I can't believe my baby is 11 months old today! It has gone so quick as it only seems like yesterday that I was hold him in the hospital for the first time.

In a month I will no longer have a baby and I will have a toddler!

Also not only can my monkey climb the stairs (gates are now in place to stop this) he is starting to climb onto the lounges *insert eye roll*

Glutton for punishment

Well I wasn't going to test until next weekend but I thought seen as though I may have O'ed like 11 days ago I would take it as I got my positive with Lachlan at 10 DPO. Well guess what it was a negative, and I had a little cry to DH and told him that my body isn't working and that I have no control over this thing I am living in.
He was actually really good and said that we would go to the doctors and get things sorted. I am glad to have him.

CD 60...and the wait continues

Well I took a little time away from the blog while I remembered my Jensen.

At the moment I am CD 60 and still not pregnant and still no sign of AF. I think I may have O'ed at CD 52, so I am going to treat this as the TWW and then after that I am heading back to the GP (yes he must love seeing me so much) and see what our next step is as it seems pretty obvious that I didn't O and that this PCOS is kicking my ass more then I think.

It is almost a month till Lachlan turns 1!!!! I can't believe that it has gone so quick, where has the year gone? It seems just like yesterday that I had brought him home.

As the way of a party we are just having a family BBQ, he is not going to remember it and it will be just nice for the family to get together and celebrate it.

3 years on

It has been 3 years on since we lost Jensen, and it is still not getting any easier.

The weather on the 25th was really crap. It was pouring rain here were we live and I didn't want to take Lachlan out in it to see his brother. Thankfully my parents offered to take him for us so that DH and I could go visit Jensen.

Like every year we brought Jensen his birthday present and stayed with him as long as we could to talk to him. I didn't want to leave when DH told me that it was time to go, it felt like I was leaving him behind once again. I also had the feeling that Jensen was thinking that I was forgetting him, but I told him that I would never forget him, that myself and his Daddy will always love him and he would forever be in our hearts.

My parents cooked us both dinner and offered to take Lachlan for the night so that DH and I could have a moment together. It was a nice suggestion but I couldn't bare to not hold Lachlan in my arms that night, and it took a while for me to put him in his cot once he was asleep.

I am sure that when the years go on the pain will lessen, but when it will happen I won't know.

But I can't help thinking, with losing Jensen, then miscarrying, having Lachlan and miscarrying again this year our family would be complete. I don't know what I have deserved to lose 3 babies (although I know I am truly blessed to have Lachlan who is my world). I hope one day that DH and I can complete our family.

Things that have been happening

Well as Telstra have been dickheads and have been screwing around with our internet for the last few days I haven been able to use my laptop to come on and post.

There also has been a few other problems that have been happening with my family. My mum has been in hospital she got taken into hospital by ambulance in the 11th September and that night she was transferred to ICU where she stayed for a few days. She was unable to breath properly. My mum has always been sick and on a good day she is only able to use half her lungs, but she got an infection in her lungs which caused her to be unable to breath.
It was a scary moment for my family, my dad seemed so numb and seemed like he was trying to hold himself together for the sakes of us kids, my brother and younger sister seemed to be so angry with what was happening. I had to ring my older sister who lives in Victoria and tell her what was happening with our mum and she got so emotional she had to hang up and call me back as she needed to digest what was happening...and there was me. I was trying to hold the family together and do what was best by mum. I made sure that I made contact with the doctors and got them to contact me when ever they saw my mum and I wasn't there so I could keep informed and keep my family informed. She is still in hospital but is out of ICU, although they are keeping a ICU bed on hold for her just in case as she is not out of the woods just yet.

Lachlan, DH and I have also been struck down with the flu. We have had fevers, vomiting, coughing and snotty for the last few weeks, DH and Lachlan seem to be better now which is really good as there is nothing worse the having a sick child and a husband with the man flu, I on the other hand have a cough that doesn't want to go away it has been here for 3 weeks and has made camp and isn't wanting to leave...my chest is so sore from coughing.

on the TTC front I was meant to gave AF 2 weeks ago but I just keep getting Negatives (damn PCOS). I have had some cramping and I had a little spitting just over 2 weeks ago but nothing else and with been sick I could even tell you if I have had some pregnancy symptoms. Due to the PCOS I am going to leave things for a couple of days and the I will go into my GP and get a blood test and see if there is anything else he can do for me.

also in the 16th September I turned 25, I can't say it was a good birthday as I and the rest of my little family was sick and my mum was still in ICU. DH and I are planning on celebrating at a later date, one my mum is better.

I have also been booked in for my iron infusion on the 21st of October which will be great. I have been so tired and it will be just the pick me up I need!

Now what's happening, also news from a friend

It doesn't really matter how many times you TTC it will always do your head in. At the moment I am having some cramping and today (TMI coming) when I went to the toilet I wiped and had a speck on blood on the toilet paper, now this could mean that AF is on its way and DH and I will move onto another cycle, but it could also mean that I might be pregnant as I did have some spotting when I found out I was pregnant with Lachlan.

Ahhh it is too confusing, I might have to put my TTC hat back on, or read over my post when I was TTC with Lachlan.

Also earlier in the week my Friend A told me that she was 3 weeks pregnant. At first she didn't know if she was going to keep the baby as at the moment she is only working casually and they are living with D's Dad, they also have a bit of debt so they are not in the best financially status.

I have been having some lengthy chats and I can tell she sound scared and unsure of what to do, but she has decided to keep the baby and that they will need to work something out. I am seeing her tomorrow so hopefully we will have another good chat and I will be able to see where she is now.

Also I am still sick. I have had the flu since Wednesday 31/08/2011 and it is not budging, it is mostly just a cough that is not shifting. Fingers crossed that it is gone by my birthday next week, yes next week I will be turning 25!

Good thing I didn't get excited.

So I have been sick since Wednesday with temps in the high 38s so I didn't get the chance to test on Thursday and Friday, but I did test today and the verdict is in...





....I'm not pregnant...BFN.





There was no tears, no why not me, I know I have a beautiful boy who I love very much and this just means that DH and I get to keep on trying for our next bub.

Not getting excited just yet.

I know I wasn't going to test until the 16th September (my birthday!!), but I have been feeling a lot of symptoms that I had with Lachlan (or I am going crazy and wishing I felt these symptoms), and with having PCOS and OPKs not working I thought that I would be sneaky and test.



Now there is a very faint (and I mean very faint) second line.



I am not going to get excited just yet just in case it is an evaporation line.



I will test again on Thursday or Friday and we will see if it darkens up a bit ;)

Still No Positives

Well the OPKs are still coming back negative, but some one from the PCOS group on BH said that with having PCOS they might not work, apparently her FS said that it has something to do with the mismatched hormones that are going on with people with PCOS. Which gives me some relief, but I will still get the blood test to see if I am Oing to be on the safe side.



On another note DH and I were talking today and he mentioned that I could be pregnant (not really sure what we were talking about) and ever since he said that I have been looking into everything!!! I have been peeing a lot (sorry for TMI) and I can't remember if I have drunk a lot of water today or not. I have also had a stuffy nose as well and I know the cycle when I found out I was pregnant with Lachlan I had a stuffy nose.



I hope this doesn't end in disappointment.

No Positive

Well I have been using OPKs for about 5 days now and there is no positive...and there getting fainter.



I guess I am not Oing.



I am in such a bad place right now, thank god I have an appointment with my GP tomorrow.

Starting fresh

Tomorrow is a start of a brand new working week and for me it is the start of a week where I am going to try and make things less stressful and complicated for myself.



We are in the process of trying for baby #2 (happy dance) and with state of my depression like it is I am hoping I can become more relaxed and become pregnant with our second sooner.



As well as making things less complicated and stressful I am planing on losing weight as well, with this PCOS it has slowed my weight loss (most of my weight is in my abdomen region) and I am feeling like I am getting self esteem issues, so I am going to nip that in the butt straight away and I am starting my weight loss journey from tomorrow!!!



In TTC life:



I am currently sitting at CD 13 and still don't have a positive OPK yet, I was kind of hoping that I would get one soon, I guess I was hoping that the Metformin was fixing my cycles and that I was back to my 34 day cycle, but I guess we are just not there yet.



Lachlan's Life:



In the life of my beautiful baby he is perfect!!! I love him to bits! We are still not standing on our own or walking, but since he started crawling at 5 months he has defiantly mastered it! I think he might be having a bit of separation anxiety during the night as he has been so big crying spells in the middle of the night when I or DH has gone to resettle him. Fingers crossed that he doesn't last long.

August 19th Day Of Hope

Today I would like everyone to take a moment and remember all the families out there that have lost a baby.



Unfortunately I am one of those parents that know the pain of lost.



It has been 2 years, 10 months, 3 weeks and 4 days since I gave birth to my Jensen and he was born still.



I have also 2 other angels that are as equally loved as Lachlan and Jensen.



Peanut who I lost 1 year, 9 months, 3 weeks and 3 days ago and Bubble who I lost 3 months, 3 weeks and 2 days ago.



To all my angels that are no longer with us we love and miss you.

CD 3....and a 2nd tooth!

Well as you can see I am currently CD 3. It wasn't a big shock as I was half expecting that she was right around the corner. One thing I was happy about is that the Metformin seemed to have helped my cycle as I had a 33 day cycle (well I am being positive that it helped).



Lachlan also has another tooth coming through, it is so weird to think that he is no longer a gummy monster.



I have also being having problems with work. I have been getting really anxious about going to work. I am not worried about Lachlan as he is with my parents and they trust them completely. I have no idea why I am feeling this way.



So today I went to the doctors and have got a new referral to a psychologist and my meds upped. We will see how things go.

Well tomorrow is CD 30 and still no AF...so I am going to be testing tomorrow. Thank God I work somewhere where I can get free tests!!!

I am not sure if I have much hope or not. I have had a bit of on and off cramping and some back pain today. I also have had a lot of creamy CM so I have been a bit moist ...but all these things could be anything.

We will have to just wait for tomorrow.

2 Negative tests...not hoping for a positive

So I tested on Thursday 28th and then again this morning and they were both BFNs, so I am thinking I might be out this cycle. Although AF hasn't shown up yet I am still thinking that there will be pregnancy this cycle.

This is our first cycle back into it so I wasn't really expecting to get a positive the first time around. It took us 6 moths to get Lachlan so I am not expecting it to happen straight away.

One problem I am noticing is that I really don't know when I am ovulating so I am going to have to buy some internet cheapy ovulation tests so I can pee on a stick as often as I want to see when I ovulate.

Possible side affects?

Currently CD16 and today I have been feeling really nauseous. I have never had any side affects from the metformin before and I am wondering if my body is just adjusting and now I am having side affects, if not why am I feeling like this? Who Knows lol.

Not much really happening on the Lachie front, he is still crawling along at rocket pace. We starting swimming lessons back up tomorrow and I am really looking forward to it, I love seeing Lachie get excited about going in the water.

CD14 and some spotting.

Currently CD 14 and I had a bit of spotting this morning...well it wasn't exactly spotting it was a bit of (TMI ahead) blood stained CM. I have done a bit of reading and apparently you can have some spotting around the time you O, which would be really good for us as we had a bit of a BD session yesterday...well keeping fingers crossed that we caught that egg.

Back on the Trying to Concive Train

That's right you have heard it first! Today is day one of DH and I TTC again. I am currently CD 13 and tonight was our first BD session. I am excited about having another bub, but I am also nervous as I am hoping not to miscarry again and I don't want to have a long TTC journey now that I have PCOS...we will see what happens.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me!

Its been a while

It has been a while since I last did a post, I guess I have been taking some me time to sort out what is going on in my head.

Things around my place have been a bit up and down lately. We are trying to figure out how we will handle things as DH's back is still playing up and is going for a steroid injection on Wednesday to see if that will help with his pain. Thank God he is currently on holidays at the moment as I don't think we would be able to cope on just my part time pay.

We have all also been out with flu. I have been hit the worst I think as I still haven't fully recovered yet. We needed to take Lachlan to the hospital because of it as he was vomiting and not keeping fluids down and also started to get spots on his back. But like most kids he bounced back pretty quickly and he now racing around again.

I am still trying to come to terms with our latest loss. It has been hard as if all these angle babies were all full term and we were happy and healthy we would be done with having children as we would have our 4 beautiful babies. But sadly that isn't so. I am currently on Metformin and taking 1000mg daily so that I can try and get my cycles back into check so that I can start trying again. I am really looking forward to trying again. I loved being pregnant and reading about some of my blogging friends and some ladies IRL being pregnant is really making me miss it.

Last night we had a big party for my Grandmother who turned 85. We had a Christmas in July theme and it was really great. It was like a family reunion on my Mother's side and there was a lot of family there that has never met Lachlan before and it was really special. Lachlan was amazing little man and didn't mind being passed around to all these people that he had never met before and was giving them all a beautiful smile. It was well pass his bed time as well and when he eventually went to sleep in his pram it was 9pm and stayed asleep there until we went home at 11pm. It was really a great night.

Oh and we have our first tooth cutting through at the moment. I usually do a daily gum check to see if there is anything wanting to poke through, and this morning there was a very sharp little tooth starting to pop out. Very exciting!

Numb

I was going to come on here and tell you how my DH was going and how his procedure went and how Lachlan was doing but I have something that I need to get off my chest.

I got some results from my doctor that I was not ready to hear about.

Those couple of weeks of bleeding I had was an ectopic pregnancy that I miscarried.

I thought I was pregnant before I had done a couple of pregnancy tests but I got all negatives when I did them. But there was some feelings and signs that I had when I was pregnant with Jensen and Lachlan.

I am so sorry bubbles that you didn't stay sticky...But you were too precious for this world.

Returning to work tomorrow

I am a bit nervous about tomorrow as I am going back to work. I have had all this time off (I left work in September last year) and I really don't want to go back.

I always thought that once that I had kids I would be a stay at home mum, but things don't always work out the way we want.

As DH is still out of action due to his back, I have my sister coming over to look after Lachlan. I think I may be a little stressed as I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get things prepared. I have written all the routines out for my sister, I have unpacked, cleaned and repacked my back. I have made sure that I have everything for work tomorrow, I have also laid out all my clothes and set things up in the bathroom so that I can get ready quickly.

I am not really sure how things will go tomorrow at work and I am hoping that i don't stuff up.

4 days of stress and more to come

Sorry for all those who have been visiting my blog, I haven't been a very good host.

On Saturday I had to take my DH to hospital as he was in excruciating pain, as he has a slip disc in his back that has been hitting a nerve. I spent all day with DH in emergency where they were trying to get his pain under control with all sorts of meds, but sadly none were working. The Doctor decided that the best course of treatment was admit him to the hospital so that could get him on the right combination of medications and to get his pain under control while also booking him in for an MRI to see how badly the nerve was being affected.

When the MRI was booked it was until Wednesday (tomorrow) and the meds just weren't working and he was still in pain. So since Yesterday (Monday) I have been trying to get him transferred to our local private hospital so that he can be more comfortable and to try and get things moving.

DH was very lucky that they had a cancellation for the MRI today and he went in and got it done. The Doctor who's care he is under has discharged with heaps of drugs for him to take and he is on bed rest until next Tuesday where he will go in for a day procedure and help manage the pain. If this doesn't work then the next step is for him to have surgery.

All this has been really stressful for me and it has been hard with Lachlan. I have felt so much like a bad wife and mother over the last couple of days. I have felt like I have just dumped Lachlan on my sister and my parents for them to watch him as I rush off the the hospital to be with DH and then I feel like a bad wife as I can't been there for my husband as much as I would like and as much as he would want me there. I tried to take Lachlan in to see him a number of times, but as Lachlan is now crawling and wanting to move so much more he didn't like the fact that he had to sit still and to be quite as there were a number of people around my DH who were sleeping. I also didn't really like taking Lachlan in to the hospital as I didn't want him to get sick if he happened to touch something that wasn't properly cleaned, which DH also agreed with.

On another front I had my ultrasound today and should get the results the next time I head into my doctors which might be the end of this week or next (all depending if I can find the time), and from there I will be put on metformin and with start getting my cycles under control so that we can try for another bub in September.

On another not I will be heading back to work on Monday the 4th. Not really looking forward to it as I would love to be a stay at home mum but right now not knowing how things will go with DH we really need to have some extra money.

Bloods and Ultrasound and we will see.....

Well from my Doctors appointment last week I got a blood test referral and an ultrasound referral. I had the bloods today (well I needed to have some done today anyway as I am seeing my haematologist next Friday), and I have an ultrasound booked for Tuesday morning. My Doctor wanted to be 100% sure that PCOS is the problem before he puts me on metformin.

Initially he wanted me to go on the pill to regulate my cycle, but as we want to try for another bub in September (yes September, we have brought the date forward as my cycles are all over the place) we thought that wouldn't be the best move, so I suggested metformin to help regulate it and he is happy to put me on it as long as all the results come back as still PCOS.

I am kind of happy that we are getting somewhere with all of this, well not with the fact that I have PCOS. But I do find it comforting that I have my son and the fact that I did conceive him while apparently having PCOS. I am not completely sure on all the particulars on starting metformin, such what I should or shouldn't do, or what he side effects are while on it (if anyone knows please comment), but if it helps regulate my cycle and gives us a chance to have another bub I am willing to do anything.

Appointment Made

I have made an appointment to go into my doctors on Friday as something needs to be done about my periods. They are all over the place and I am really getting frustrated not knowing when they will turn up.

It have started thinking about the long run. what am I going to do when we start trying again in November? Am I still able to ovulate? And these are the questions that I really need to be answered before we start. If there is something the Doctor can do for me now so that I can get my periods regular would be great.

I have been talking to some of the girls in the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) Chat on Bubhub about what should be my next step and they have suggested that I might need to to talk to my Doctor about may be going on Metformin ( metformin can help restore a natural menstrual cycle and improve your chances of getting pregnant when you have PCOS) and they have also suggested getting a referral to a fertility specialist.

I know I have become pregnant on my own with Lachlan, but that was before I found out that I have PCOS and I really don't want that to stop our chances of having more children (even though I am determined to not let that stop me).

Fingers crossed that my Doctor and I can work something out.

What's going on

Well I have realised that I haven't really been telling you what is going on in this wonderful world of mine. So I thought that I better give a bit of an update.

Well almost 2 weeks ago DH and I had a bit of an accident in the bedroom. Well we waited and waited for AF to show up and it did. On Wednesday she showed her face and there was a little sigh of relief from us, but there was also a bit of sadness. DH thought it would of been great to add another little one to our family, thought that this was awesome that he is interested in trying again sooner rather then later. So I am thinking there will be "the talk" later down the track.

Lachlan is well and truly crawling now and getting into everything!!! At first there was a lot of getting up and down from me, but on Tuesday DH and I moved the furniture around and blocked off all the necessary things and now it is a much safer house for our little bubba (not saying that it wasn't safe before).

He is also now starting to pull himself up on things as well now (this kid never stops). I have only started to get used to him crawling...I am guessing that I will need to get used to him coasting along the furniture and then walking.

I have also contacted my work and organised days to go back to work. On the 4th July I will be heading back to work. They have now made my days roster days with another lady who will be doing my full time hours. So I will be working 6.30am -3pm or 10.30am -7pm. I have been thinking about just asking for the later hours as it will work out better in the long run for Lachlan and any other kids we might have, as DH starts work at 4 am. But we will see how things go.

DH and I are still moving a long great after what happened earlier in the year. He has gone above and beyond I think to make things better and to make sure he is a positive role model for Lachlan and to become and better father and husband to the both of us. There will be still times where it will be hard but I am sure that we will get through it, as I know there would be no other person that I want to be with and there is no other person that I want to be the father to my child/ren.

Who needs a social life!

Now this post is probably a bit late...but how does the saying go, better late then never.

Since being on bubhub I have met some great gals, some who I have become great friends with and some who we have just gone our separate ways but still like say hello and see how our journeys are going.

When I became pregnant with Lachlan I joined my monthly chat in the when are you due? thread on bubhub where I met some great ladies who were having babies in the same month as me. These ladies were a great source of information and helped me in more ways then one.

When the month of October came around some of us started to have our babies (very exciting) and because we did sms buddies we all got to be involved in the excitement. From there we moved to the next stage of the chat until Facebook became our meeting place and we have been there ever since.

Since moving on to Facebook I think it has become more personal. We actually know each others names and get to see into their lives through the photos they have on their profiles and through their status updates.

On Friday the 4th June the conversation did get personal. First of all we were talking about the importance of getting a pap smear and then we all witnessed something special. There is a member in our little group that is going through tuff times with her partner being in hospital. Her partner had been on their laptop while he was in hospital on Friday and when she brought it home, turned it on and opened there was a beautiful 'Sticky note' on the screen which read:

To my dear fiance
I love you with all my everything...if I didn't have you by my side I don't know what I would do. The past 6 months have been hard but we will get through this. Stay strong and I will be homes soon, love you with all my heart and soul, you are the perfect mother. You never complain and make sure that T and myself are ok....You never put yourself first and I think tomorrow you should. I love you babe and will be home soon.

P.S Did you notice that I called you my fiance??! Love you and I can't wait to call you my wife.

Isn't that so beautiful!!! The proposal of the 21st century :)

It was wonderful that something great could happen to her, she has been through so much in the past few months and I am sure this just proves that it was worth it.

Congrats V and M!

Trapped

When having a baby everyone is so excited for you, and you and your partner (if you have one) and excited at the fact that you will be bringing a new life into the world and into your family. But no one really explains the aftermath and what a baby brings.

The sleepless nights that you will have until that child probably turns 18, the constant tears and tantrums, feeding that starts around the clock, the watching the clock as you sit there and wonder how long they have been asleep, should I wake them up or even is it time for the next feed, the nappies, trying forever to get them off to sleep to only realise that it is feeding time again and that you will need to start all over again, and the other multitude of things that come with a baby.

But the real thing is no one explains how trapped you feel.

I know when I found out that I was having my son I was so excited that I was having a baby. I loved reading up what was happening with him and my body each week and that I counted down the months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds in anticipation until I could meet him. I was thinking of all the things we could do together, all the outings we would have before I returned to work.

Once he was born he was perfect he matched every expectation that I had for him and I was so glad that he came into the world safe and that he chose myself and my DH to be his parents. Although his start to life was a little bumpy and us being new parents and not really knowing what was going on, lets just say it was a big learning curve for all of us.

Once we left the hospital bubble where you have help a button away the fear set in, not really knowing if taking a feed away would be ok? Should we change his nappy over night? When it was time for a feed should we wake him up? And when we couldn't come up with the answers it was great to have my mum on speed dial as with her wealth of knowledge she answered these questions and a million other ones that we had.

With my mum on our side we became more confident in the way that we were handling things and then it was time for DH to go back to work...and I was alone. Alone with this little baby and not knowing how I would handle things by myself.

I suddenly felt trapped. Trapped with this baby relying on me for everything. My DH kept telling me that I was a wonderful mother and that while he was here I was doing most of the things on my own, but I kept thinking that I didn't have my cheer squad with me.

I know some of the things I did other parents would probably frown on me for doing so, like letting my son sleep in his bouncer for he day sleeps because he wouldn't sleep in his cot during the day. But having him there in his bouncer made me feel safe for some reason, I think it was because I knew he was safe.

But feeling trapped was still in the back of my mind. I had a car with a baby seat, I had a pram, I had people that I could go see, but all I wanted was to stay in my safe little bubble that I call home. There was many days that I wouldn't get changed as I knew that I wouldn't be leaving the house. If I did make plans I would cancel them. Even though Lachlan is 6 months old there is still times where I don't get changed out of my pjs because I know I am not leaving the house.

I Joined a gym in hope that I would get out of the house more and have some separation time from Lachlan as I would drop him over at my parents. And it worked for a while, as I also booked myself in with a personal trainer whom I see twice a week so that it would help me get out of the house, but sadly all I do now is see my personal trainer and don't go in any other days.

The other outing that I have one a fortnight is to see my mum and grandma and Lachlan also comes with us. Once a fortnight we go and have a look around the shops and that is mostly an all day thing.

I don't have any friends because most of them ditched me when I became pregnant so I don't get any visitors at all, so that also adds to the isolation that I am feeling.

Going back to work will probably be a great thing for me as it will get me out of my hermit ways. I am just hoping that being trapped in this house won't lead to Lachlan having separation issues when I do return to work.

Alright so this has been a long rambling post, so I will end it here.

Oops

I had a very much a oops moment last night with DH. As some of you might know we have started having sex again since the affair, we are not having it all the time and this is like the 3rd time since the affair that we have "done the deed."

Anyway last night we did a manger oops and he came in me (TMI). The moment it happened we both sort of just looked at each other and the looks on our faces said it all. I was not sure if this was a good thing or not, if the outcome came out as a big positive on a pregnancy test. We have both often talked about having more children and we did mention that we would start later in the year, but now...seems a little too soon. After the "deed" was over we didn't talk about what happened we just went straight to bed.

We haven't had a talk about the consequences of the actions of last night yet, as DH did leave at 4am this morning for work, but I am sure once Lachlan goes to bed we will have a chat about it, and I will get to see how he feels about the whole situation.

The last time we had stress free sex I ended up with my little man, and sex last night was very stress free with no thoughts about TTC and if I would end up pregnant after all this, so it will be just my luck to end up pregnant.

I have thought about doing some OPKs over the next 4 days just to make sure that I am not ovulating as my cycle has been all over the place that I am not really sure what is going on with my body.

But I guess only time will tell.

You never think that you will need to use your CPR training

Last night at 9pm Lachlan woke up crying. I went up and tried to settle him, but because he was too upset I picked him up and he began to vomit everywhere! When I sat down on the chair hold him all I could hear was choking and that he was struggling to get air in.

I screamed for my husband to call the ambulance and I looked at my poor baby struggling for air, the look on his face, he looked so scared.

I tried to remain calm and knew I needed to do something, I laid Lachlan on his side on the floor and put my fingers in his mouth to clear his air way, which induced vomiting and helped to clear his air way.

When the ambulance got there they looked him over in the house and we told them what happened and they said that what I did could have possibly saved his life.

From there the ambulance took us to the hospital and we stayed over night so they could observe him, but when we left this morning he was a little lethargic but alright.

They are not sure what caused the choking but we will be having some follow up tests.

I tell you what though I am so glad that I know CPR, but I never want to use it again on any of my love ones. I am also glad that I didn't panic but I had a big cry once Lachlan fell asleep at the hospital.

When will the pain lessen

Watching an episode of friends last night, you know the one where Ross sleeps with the copy girl then later tells Rachel about it. Well I was watching that one and it just reminded me about what happened in my relationship and it just hit a nerve.

it has been 4 months since he cheated on me but the pain is still there and I have no idea when the pain is going to lessen.

I know I must of said this a thousand times and you are probably sick of hearing about it but, why did he do this to me...to us? I know he has told me the reason but it doesn't make sense to me. We have been through so much together and he just throw that away on some other woman. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it.

He has been doing so much to try and get things back on track. He let me have time away from us so that I could get my head around what had happened and to make my mind up about us. And I decided to go back to him, I decided to try again and hopefully things would work out for the better.

Things have been better I must say been different around here. He has been more attentive and has been making things easier for me, but emotionally, mentally things haven't changed. I still know what happened.

Now don't tell me to see someone and talk it out with them as I have been doing that, and let me tell you...that doesn't really fix anything. I doesn't delete things from your mind, because there is so many images that I would want to get rid of. I guess all I have to do is wait for time to lessen the pain and hope that one day I can think of this being just another hurdle that I will have to over come.

My First Swimming lesson with Lachlan

I had the most amazing day today. I had my first swimming lesson with Lachlan and he didn't cry once!

From start to finish I had a huge smile on my face and enjoyed every moment of it. There was even one moment where he was laying on his back on my chest and he started to fall asleep...he must have been so relaxed.

The lesson must have tired him out as once I put him in his car seat he fell asleep straight away.

Well only a short update but I had to tell you about the lesson.

Happy 6 months Lachlan

It is my baby boys 1/2 birth day today.

From the start of my pregnancy with him I have been so in love with him, he is an amazing little boy and I love him so much.

And what did mummy do for his half birthday....he go vaccinated!

He was an awesome little trooper. He didn't cry when the needle or the liquid went in, but he cried when the needle came out and only for a few seconds. He was so good the nurse gave him a balloon.

I also think something like wonder week is happening as Lachlan seems to be waking up every hour or two. It is slightly annoying but just something that you go through.

Also in terms of me. Bleeding seems to have stopped and my regular doctor was not there today and I had to see a fill in. Which was annoying as this doctor seemed to have no clue with what was going on and just seemed to skim over things, and I really don't want to have to go back in to the doctors this week again. So DH and I have decided to see what happens this cycle goes and we will go from there. If I have another crap cycle we will go back to the doctors and request that something needs to be done, as we have started to discuss trying for a second towards the end of the year start of next year.

Still Bleeding

It is cycle day (CD) 14 and I am still bleeding.

I am so over it!!!!

I haven't bleed this much since I had Lachlan. I have been thinking that maybe I had a 55 day cycle last time, where I would have been about to have my period twice during that cycle, that my body might be giving me 2 periods at once. The other thought that has crossed my mind but I have dismissed is that I could be having a miscarriage. Now on CD 52 I did a pregnancy test and it came back negative also I am not having cramps and the bleeding isn't heavy enough for it to be a miscarriage.

I am heading to my Doctors tomorrow and I am going to write a list of questions that I want to ask him about what is going on with my body, also I am getting some blood test results back which I had done yesterday so I am hoping the results are good.

Lachlan turns 6 months tomorrow!!! It has gone so fast, he isn't my newborn anymore. He will also be getting his vaccinations as well tomorrow...what a gift.

Happy Mother's Day

I first up would like to say a big HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all the 1st time mums and all the other mothers out there, I hope you go really spoilt.

I also want to give all the mums out there that are unable to hold their beautiful angel babies in their arms. I hope you had a beautiful Mother's Day.

Today we spent Mother's day first up with DH's family then mine. I really didn't like going and seeing DH's family as they treat me as if I'm not there, and when they did acknowledge my me today they were talking about how they needed to lose weight because they were fat (there stick skinny by the way) and then they looked at me and said "you look like you have lost weight" and it sounded really condescending.

Thankful we didn't stay there forever, only a few hours. We wouldn't have gone over if it wasn't mothers day.

From there we got the last part of my mum's present and went over to my parents place. We had a great dinner and shared a lot of laughs.

Lachlan was a little tropper all day and didn't mind all the passing around to person to person which happened all day, and slept on people when he was tired. Although when we got home he was defiantly ready for bed, so DH gave him a bottle and put him down and we haven't heard from him since.

I have had a bit of an emotional day. Today I should have been celebrating mother's day as a mum of three not one. Although I am eternally grateful for Lachlan and I wouldn't give him up for anything in the world, I just wish he could have his older brother Jensen here and peanut as well.

I will go and see Jensen tomorrow. I miss him so much.

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome

I am feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment.

I went to the doctors today and I told him how my cycles have been getting longer and longer and I have now been bleeding for 10 days...which is not normal for me. He had a look at my past results and he said that I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Apparently these results he was reading were from 2010!

I was in shock and I was angry. Why wasn't told when I had these test done then? I was trying to remember back when I went to the Doctors at this time and I remember him saying that the results were fine...well obviously they weren't.

He printed off a blood test for me to do over the next couple of days and made me an appointment for next Wednesday, when I also need to take Lachlan in for he 6 months vaccinations.

So, I don't know where I need to go from here. Do I need medication? Do I need to see any specialists? Is the next time we try for another baby will I have difficulty? Was I just lucky when I got pregnant with Lachlan?

I wish someone could just answer these questions for me?

Bleeding

Ok I have now been bleeding for 9 days straight.

So I have had a cycle that has gone 55days and now I have bleeding which I thought was my period but my period usually only lasts 5 days. As if my body could get any more frustrating!

I will be going to the doctors on Saturday to get this sorted. I am so sick of long cycles and with this bleeding I just wish my body would get back to the way it was before I had Lachlan.

Honestly if someone has any ideas what I can do please let me know.

I hate Car Dealerships!!! and something exciting about Lachlan!!

Well as the title says I hate car dealerships!!!

There is something wrong with the car as the seat won't go back an forth and the power windows won't go up and down and because the car is under warranty we need to take it back to the dealer.


We put it in this morning at 10am and DH had to have a day off work because they said they couldn't take the car in the afternoon as they said that would mean we wouldn't get it back in the same day.

Well were we pissed off.

DH rang at 1pm to find out how it was going and they said they hadn't "diagnosed" the problem yet....which is code for we haven't looked at it. Then DH calls again at 3pm, the receptionist said that they have only started looking at it so they don't know what is wrong with it. God DH was fuming. He tried to remain calm and told the receptionist once they have figured out the problem to give him a ring.

While DH was out the receptionist rang him and told him that there is a electrics problem with the car, which we already knew and DH asked her to explain and she said that the mechanics found that there was a problem with the main fuse and that was why things were not working. DH also asked how long that would take to fix and she said that they needed to order a part in and that would mean the car would need to stay in over night.

Well I am pissed as I need the car tomorrow....and Lachlan's pram and car seat are in it!!!!!

Well the receptionist also told us that the car wasn't covered by warranty any more...and that got DH even more pissed off as we know the car is covered until next year by warranty, but the girl says that it isn't because the car is a 2006 model, well there she is incorrect. The car is a 2007 model...and we have proof!

Well they told us that the car would be ready tomorrow some time....and if it isn't they are going to get a major bitch slapping from me.

Anyway Vent over.

On another note we put Lachlan down in his cot awake tonight and he went to sleep by himself!!!! I was so worried that Lachlan was excelling in everything but couldn't put himself to sleep, but this proves to me that he can do it, whether he will be able to do it again is another story.

International Baby loss Mother's Day

With Mother's Day coming I have been thinking of the mother's days that I have had without our Jensen, I have also been thinking about all the other mothers (some I know) who have had Mother's Day (and other days) without their Angel Babies.

I know it was never meant to be and that our Jensen is in a better place with all the other Angel babies and children.

I hope that all the Mother's out their have a beautiful Mother's day with their families.

Being a Mum

I saw this on Bubhub and I thought I would repost it here so that you could all read it

" Being a mother "

We are sitting at lunch when my daughter
casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of 'starting a family.'
'We're taking a survey,' she says, half-joking. 'Do you think I should have a baby?'

'It will change your life,' I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.
'I know,' she says, 'no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations....'
But that is not what I meant at all.

I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what
she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical
wounds of child bearing will heal, but that becoming a mother will
leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.
I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper
without asking 'What if that had been MY child?'
That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees
pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse
than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and
stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is,
becoming a mother will reduce her to primitive level of a
bear protecting her cub.
That an urgent call of 'Mom!' will cause her to drop a soufflé or her best
crystal without a moment's hesitation. I feel I should warn her that
no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will
be professionally derailed by motherhood.

She might arrange for child care but
one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will
Think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of her
Discipline to keep her from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my daughter to know that everyday decisions will no longer be
routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather
than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma.
That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children,
issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against
the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that rest-room.
However she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself
constantly as a mother. Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure
her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will
never feel the same about herself.
That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child.
That she would give it up in a moment to
save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years -
not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.
I want her to know that a Cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will
become badges of honor. My daughter's relationship with her husband will change,
but not in the way she thinks..
I wish she could understand how much more you can
love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child.
I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she
would now find very unromantic.

I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel
with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and
drunk driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally
about most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the
threat of nuclear war to my children's future.

I want to describe to my daughter the
exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike.

I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is
touching the soft fur of a dog or a cat for the first time.

I want her to taste the joy that is so real, it actually hurts.
My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have
formed in my eyes.
' You'll never regret it,' I finally say.

Then I reach across the table, squeeze my daughter's hand and offer a silent
prayer for her, and for me, and for all of the mere mortal women who stumble their way
into this most wonderful of callings.

This blessed gift from God!
Being a Mother.

Lachie's First Swimming Lesson

Today Lachie had his first swimming lesson!!! It was so exciting!!

As mummy had her period I thought that this might be a nice opportunity for daddy to do something special with Lachlan as I have seen most of his firsts.

So when Lachlan and Dad got into the water Lachlan was enjoying it so much he was splashing around and having a really good time. All the other children were crying...I was so proud of my little man.

DH had a really good time to singing the songs, and showing Lachlan how to blow bubbles.

Both DH and Lachlan are so worn out that they are on the couch having a sleep together.

The Pill

I said to myself that I would never take the pill again but today I did.

My cycles have been all over the place since having Lachlan with my first cycle back being 26 days, then 46 days and the one that I just had was 54 days. I really need to sort these out so I have decided to take the pill for for at least the next couple of cycles with fingers crossed that my cycles go back to normal. I will only take the pill for 3 cycles and no more because the last time I came off the pill my cycles were all over the place.

If I come off the pill and my cycles are all over the place once again I will go to the doctors and see what else they can do.

On another note did the shopping with Lachlan today and he sat in the trolley like a big boy!

How things are going

Had another personal training session today with Dale and it was great! Although I think I am going to be really sore tomorrow as he worked me really hard but I am so loving going back to the gym again. I am loving that I have more energy and I feel like mentally I am heather. I just can't wait to see the kilos falling off!!! I have another two sessions this week with Dale so looking forward to it. I also bought some new shoes for the gym to day and they look great!

We have also decided to start a new routine with Lachlan, the old one just doesn't seem to be working any more...probably because he is getting older. We are also are going to give self settling another go (last time it didn't really work) so fingers crossed that it works.

Things seem to be going well everywhere else, Lachlan was having troubles with drinking his formula but I have been adding it his rice cereal so he is still getting it there as well.

I can't wait until Saturday as it will be Lachlan's first swimming lessons!! He loves the water so I think he will love going to his swimming lessons.

Operation Lose Weight

Operation lose weight is in full effect at the moment, it took a while but it is happening. I have been going to the gym every day this week so far and have had two personal training appointments as well.

My trainer Dale* (*Lets just call him that) is awesome he listens and knows exactly hows to push my buttons to make me work harder and is targeting all my problem areas. He was really good and showed me around at the gym and showed me all the machines and how to use them and also went through stretching with me using some of the new stretching equipment they got in.

I have another session with him next Wednesday and will be starting to see him twice a week and will be going on my own a couple of times a week as well. I am so excited that I have got so much motivation to do this at the moment, I just hope that the motivation stays around so I can keep this up. Mind you when I go back to work it might be a bit more difficult, but if DH and I can work around it I will be able to keep this up.


On another note, Lachlan has started to say MUM!!!! I am so excited...I had to make sure that I wasn't going crazy, but as soon as DH heard it I was the happiest mum on the planet! Also he has started to move his knee forward when he is up on his hands and knees, and he did this all on the one day. I hate that he is growing up so fast I thought that he might be a baby for a bit longer, but before I know it he will be crawling around and then he will be walking and then who knows.

Lachlan the Rolling baby

Now I might have mentioned every now and then about how Lachlan is rolling, well, he has been doing it in his cot for a while now but it is starting to stress DH and I out.

Lachlan seems to think when he rolls on his stomach in his cot that it is play time. He wakes himself up and starts chatting away and then realises he is tired and starts crying and sometimes he will start screaming.

Now I have put a shout out on Bubhub already about this problem.

You might be thinking to yourself "why doesn't she wrap him?" Well he was wrapped but as soon as he could get out of his wrap we stopped, as I have heard that this is a SIDS hazard.

There is sometimes when Lachlan is laying on the couch with me and he is hugging a soft toy he will fall asleep with it or when he is with his granddad he will wedge a pillow beside him so that he won't roll over, but these two strategies are only used when someone is around and watching him, we would never use this unsupervised.

I have been thinking about getting a wrap me up but I don't know if that will stop the development that he has already accomplished.

Always too much to think about with babies.

Motivation

I am deciding that I am needing some motivation to get to the gym. I have been wanting the gym to contact me regarding my personal training which they said they would do when I signed up which was too weeks ago.

DH also signed up when I did and his personal trainer has contacted him and when they had a pre training interview he asked him what his goals were to stay motivated. Which got me thinking about what is motivating me to lose this weight I have. Believe me it took a lot of thought as I did get to the point where I said "what's the point", there has been so much going on at the moment where losing weight has been on the bottom of the list, but when I was seeing my psychologist he said to me that I needed to start to put me first and that I needed to start doing things for myself.

Well I am not going to start putting myself first, as the priorities of Lachlan my son, and my family comes first. But I can start doing stuff for myself...which I am going to do starting with the gym.

I have decided that I want to lose the weight so the next time we try for a baby that won't be a factor for us if it takes a while. I also want to lose weight so if that was a factor for my husband cheating on me it won't be again in the long run. I also want to do it for me, I want to be able to look good like I did a couple of years ago. Shallow I know.

Sick

I am feeling really sad and sorry for myself at the moment. It looks like I have picked up a cold along the way, I think from leaving the gym last night and being a silly girl and not wearing a jacket.

DH was really good last night and got up every time Lachlan woke which was really nice as it meant I stayed in a nice warm bed. He also brought Lachlan to bed once he left this morning so I didn't have to get up to get him if he woke.

Now I am trying not to give it to Lachlan. And you don't realise how hard it is at the moment as I am so exhausted and having to look after Lachlan as well is really draining. I think I might have to get someone to come over tomorrow to help out for a couple of hours so I can have a bit of a sleep and recover...although I am not a person that asks for help, I never have been...but we will see how things go.

My Bubba Boy Is 5 Months Today!!

As the title suggest Lachlan is 5 months today!

It has gone so fast, and to think this time 5 months ago I was in the maternity ward at FPH holding him and thinking that this couldn't be real.

It is amazing how quickly you fall in love with someone that has been in your life only a short time.

It is also amazing how quickly they learn to do things. At this point in his life he is sitting up (well sort of), getting up on his hands and knees, rolling over both ways...it is amazing...and he is never quite lol.

It is going to be an interesting time ahead.

What a week

Ok I have noticed that I have been a bit slack posting recently, but I have had kind of a hard week.

Monday DH hurt his back and I needed to take him to the Doctors.

Tuesday I needed to take DH to a CT scan and I also needed to give up my 1 year old cat Hamish, where I proceeded to bawl my eyes out for the rest of the evening.

Wednesday was actually fine and I didn't need to do anything.

Thursday I got a phone call from the RSPCA saying that I needed to come and pick up my cat.

Friday I picked up Hamish, who had been dumped there by the person that took him.

Saturday I once again gave up my cat Hamish to a couple that also had another cat (YAY he has a friend). But I thought I was strong enough to cope this time, but I wasn't and again I proceeded to cry myself to sleep once again. Who would have thought that a cat could make me feel this way.

With all this going on I also haven't been sleeping well due to other things going on. I am hoping over the next coming days I will be able to sort things out.

Also in the world of Lachlan he has started to get up on his hands and knees!! He is growing up so fast!

So Tired....

For the last two days I have been feeling so tired and a bit crampy. I am thinking that might be getting my period but with my cycles being all over the place at the moment I am not sure.

My cycles used to be perfect a nice 34 days, but now it seems to be every 45 days!!! I have also been getting some mid cycle spotting as well, I goggled this spotting and it could possibly be ovulation spotting which would kinda make sense as this has happened twice since my period has returned.

I have asked the question on Bubhub (www.bubhub.com.au) if there was anything that could help regulate your cycles and someone did suggested raspberry leaf tea so I might give it ago as I would love some regularity in my cycles, I also thought that I might use some ovulation tests. I have bought some internet cheapies once before when I was trying to get pregnant the first time and I found them really useuful. If the tea doesn't work I might make an appointment with my OB to see if he can sort something out, I really do not want to go back on the pill to sort this out.

Good Day Out and some sad news.

Today was a nice day out for Lachlan and myself. We went out with Lachlan's Grandma, Great Grandma and his Aunty.

It was nice to get out of the house with all of them. We ended up going to Domayne where I bought a tallboy and two bed side tables, we needed these as when we moved ours got damaged and became unusable. One thing I am really happy about is that they will get delivered tomorrow.

Also today I bought Lachlan his first set of swimmers! They are so tiny. DH and I are going to take him to our local heated pool on the weekend.

On a sad note on Tuesday we gave away our beautiful 1 year old cat Hamish. I loved him so much and I have been crying on and off since then. One good thing is that he has gone to a friendly home that have already fallen in love with him.

Getting better

Well after saying how crappy things have with DH and myself we had a little talk. Well it was more then a talk and less then a fight. And I think that I might have finally gotten through to him about how I am feeling.

The one thing he keeps bringing up is why won't forgive him. But why doesn't he get that probably no woman would forgive him for what he did, and I am one of those women is me. I am sorry if people see things differently to me, but I won't be forgiving him (at least any time soon) for what he did. He betrayed me and he betrayed what we had.

I am hoping after the discussion that we had yesterday will help with the road to recovery and me feeling more appreciated and loved.

On another note DH has done his back, the physiotherapist seems to think that he has slipped a disc, so he has been off work for the last couple of days and is going for a CT scan today, so we will see what is going on.

VENT

I am laying next to my husband and there are so many thoughts going through my head. At the moment I can't stand what we have. I am a person that needs affection, I need the contact that you show someone you love them. but I am not getting that, not even a kiss and a hug when he comes home from work...nothing! the communication is minimal at best and when I do talk to him he either doesn't get what I am saying or he just does listen


I'm the nanny. I an the woman that looks after his son, and that is it. well that is how I feel anyway.

I love what we used to have, I love how people used to compare themselves to us, but now I hate what we have. I want the old us back where we used to sit and tall and not have the TV on, where we would cuddle up in front of the TV, where we would kiss like we were teenage again like we never wanted it too end.

I try to talk to him about this but all he says is he will try harder but he never does.

I feel so alone.

A date and fears of the past

I am kinda nervous about tomorrow as I have a date tomorrow...With my husband.

It will be the first time we have been alone (other then when we have been in bed together) since I returned home. I know I shouldn't be nervous about it as we have been on dates before, but I guess I am worried that this date might lack conversation, because I have been nervous about opening up to him again as he did betray me.

There has been a few things happening to me lately which I have told him, due to the lack of trust I have with him. Recently the wall that I have had holding back everything that happened with me when I was raped, has been cracking. I have been seeing images that I not wanted to see in nearly 10 years, and this is scaring me.

I haven't been sleeping in fear that I will have nightmares about that night. Even just closing my eyes for a moment the images, the sensation of them touching me scares me, I start shaking and feel like that I am going to be sick.

I haven't really thought about that night all to much in a couple of years as I had built this wall up since I was 18 and have slowly been putting everything of that night behind it so that I wouldn't have to think about it, but I think the stress of what has happened with me and DH has slowly been cracking it and just recently the images of what happened that night have been slowly leaking through.

I don't know if I am strong enough to build that wall back up. When I built that wall up when I was 18 I was into illegal drugs and in a very abusive relationship so I had the drugs to escape. This time around I have nothing like that and I don't know if I am strong enough to do it on my own.

Started my course

Well I have started my Certificate IV in Community Services Work and I am almost half way through my first assignment. I was a bit overwhelmed to start off with but I got over that feeling and I am going great guns at the moment. This course seems very interesting, and it is defiantly getting the brain juices going.

I am really glad that I decided to continue with studying and I am looking forward when the work experience rolls around. I am also looking forward to finishing this certificate and moving on to my diploma and then moving on to counselling.

I see myself with a lot of life experience and I am hoping that experience will help me through this course and future work.

Also things around home have been a bit different. DH and I have been arguing a bit lately...and it has me rethinking our relationship. I know I shouldn't be thinking like this but after everything that has happened this year I don't know want any more set backs, and I know I shouldn't do this but I keep thinking back about the affair and I don't want our family to suffer again.

We have finally moved in

Well as the boys are having a nap i thought that i would write an update.

On Saturday 19th March DH, Lachlan and I moved into our new place. It is a lot bigger then our last place and i am still getting used to the lots of space that we have. Most of the boxes that we have are unpacked, and we have finished setting up most of the rooms, which is good, and things with DH and myself seem to be going well, i am really hoping this move is a new start for us as i want nothing more then our lives to be normal again.


Yesterday I went out with my mum and grandma and of course Lachlan came with us. My Grandmother has come into a lot of money and really wants to give all her grand children some of it. I feel awful taking money from her, but she really wants to help us all out, and some of our furniture is falling apart as DH and i have moved 5 times in 6 years and she wants to replace it, so we are letting her, although i think i will still pay her back though.

Lachlan had his portraits today and he was really cute. The photographer loved him and thought that he was so cute that he gave us the photo shoot for free and 10% of anything we purchased. Also he wants to use Lachlan's photos in his ads which is awesome!!

Update from last post...and a little bit more

Things are a lot better from the last post. What ever was happening with Lachlan (i am guessing it was teething) that day, when ended up giving him bonjela and also 2 lots of panadol, which seemed to help, and mostly all he did all day was sleep, and he had a good sleep that night. Which was really good as mummy was tired.

Also come this Saturday we will be moving, it will be an interesting experience with Lachlan but i am hoping that my dad would be able to look after him, that is if he isn't too busy with my mum, as you know she has been unwell.

I am a little worried that Lachlan might be a little unsettled with the move, but i am sure it should be fine.

I am so looking forward to this move, I haven't been the person to talk about positive and negative energy, but recently i have been feeling bad energy in this place and i feel like i need t get away from it.

An update on a few bits and pecies

Last night could possibly be one of the worst nights ever!!!

We put Lachlan to be at 8.30pm like we always do, but last night he woke every 30 minutes - hour screaming. But when we picked him up to comfort him he was still asleep, I was really concerned as it sounded like someone was hurting him.

buy the end of it we had to bring him to bed as he just kept doing it, and because i didn't know what was causing this screaming i didn't want to give him panadol. When we did bring him to bed he was still unsettled but it did mean that we didn't have to get up and go to his room to calm him.

This morning he was still screaming but this time he was doing it while he was awake so i gave him some panadol and he slept for a bit and seems like a much happier boy since he work up. I am thinking that it might be due to teething, so i guess it is something that i have to get used to.

Also an update on home my mum is going. She has been in bed for over a week, but when i went over there yesterday she was out of bed and did eat something which was great as she hasn't eaten in a week. Although every family member has told her that if she gets worse she will either be going to the doctors or the hospital, she won't have a choice.

Todays a great day and no one can spoil it!

Today I got some great news about a friend of mine. I am not going to say what it is and it isn't my place to say it....But believe me it is some really great news!!!

So I got the message about the news this morning and the first thing I did was call her, after that my sister came over and looked after Lachlan for me so that DH and I could go out for a couple of hours by ourselves, which was nice.

We picked up some boxes so that we could start our packing. I am really excited about moving and I love that it is basically a new start again for us. It is a bigger place (3 bedroom) and we won't plan on moving from there until we want to buy our house, which will be when we are done having children. DH and I have always said that is when we will buy our house, and we have always said that we want our children to be close in age.

Wow i still can't get over this good news.

Ahhh why won't this get out of my head

Ok I am mostly doing this in hope that this will get out of my head.

I want another baby.

Deep down I know that this is the worst thing right now for DH and I (or it might not be). With everything that has been happening in terms of him having the affair, but in the back of my mind I am thinking that it could be a good, it could go with the new start that we are going to have when we move.

He has asked if we would still like to try for our second in November and when he asked this I told him that I didn't think it would be a good idea, but now I am having second thoughts about it.

DH and I always thought that we would have our kids only a couple of years apart as we didn't want a big gap. But the thought of not having that, and the thought of wanting to have another baby is taking over and I am reconsidering trying for another one in November.

Lachlan has been such a dream baby. A good sleeper, a good eater, and is doing so well in his development that it is an easy decision to want to have another one.

Like I said I am writing all this down in hope that it will get out of my head.

My Mother

My mother is a beautiful woman who I look up to and turn to when I am in need.

Something that most people don't know about is when she was a little girl growing up in Yorkshire England she got really sick. She had phenomena several times and also had scarlet fever, there was also a time when she needed to be rushed to hospital by ambulance in the icy cold weather because she couldn't breathe and the ambulance crashed going to the hospital due to the roads being to icy to travel. Due to being so sick most of the time, it put a strain on the body and the affects started to take hold and my mum ended up only having 1/2 lung capacity, in turn leaving her with basically only one functioning lung. The Doctors told my grandmother that she wouldn't live past her 21st birthday and would never be able to have children.

When she went to school, which was not a lot as she was mostly in hospital, she couldn't play outside with her friends just in case she got sick. And due to her being sick most of the time she never got to finish high school.

Due to my mum getting to sick in England, her parents decided to move to Australia when she was a teenager. So my grandparents, 3 uncles and my mother moved to NSW Australia.

My mum ended up living past her 21st and ended up having 4 beautiful babies.



When i was in primary school my mum decided to go to uni. She always wanted to go to school as she never got the chance. And when i was in high school she was studying Naval History, which she is still doing till this day, as she is now doing her Doctorate in Naval History.

While i was in high school i remember my mum getting really sick and i remember her being in bed for months, and she lost a lot of weight. From this memory i remember my dad taking me to my squad training, doing the shopping (badly as he never did it), taking my younger sister and i to school and also doing the cooking. One memory that really stands out is my dad and i being at my older sisters house and him crying and hugging my younger sister. I have never seen my dad so upset, and right there and then i knew that my mum was really sick.

As time went on my mum got better and once again started doing everything that she would normally do.

In the first couple of months of dating my husband my mum got sick again, but not as bad as she did while i was in high school. Now being older i understood a lot more about what was going on and broke down in front of him. I really wanted my mum to see me get married, to see me have children. At that time it might have been a bit of an over reaction as she recovered a lot quicker this time around.

As the years have gone on she has seen me get married and have my first child, but now once again she is sick. My dad rang me this morning to tell me that she isn't doing so well, and i felt like i knew already. For the couple of weeks she hasn't been herself and hasn't been eating. And when my dad called me this morning he told me that she was having trouble breathing.

Now my mother is stubborn (and if you ask my husband he would tell you that all us Dwyer women are) and she will never see a doctor unless something is broken, and that is also what she did for us kids as well. I have told my dad to give her an option, go to the doctors or be taken to hospital as that is what it is going to come to. She is using all her puffers and everything like that but that is like a band aid fix. I know that my mum is going to end up being on oxygen in the long run but i really wish if something like this happens she would do what she was told and go to the doctors.

I am really feeling like a little girl reading this. I feel like i am shrinking, being dress in a flower sun dress and my hair is being put into pig tails. I don't want my mummy to die, i want her to be around forever.