Merry Christmas

The cookies are out, the kids are in bed and the tree is waiting in anticipation of Santa's arrival. 

What a difference a year makes. This time last year I was in the paediatric ward with Charlotte, wondering what was going to happen to my beautiful 4 month old. 

This year it is such a great feeling to know that both my children are under the same roof with both their parents, and that they are going to wake up together on Christmas Day. 

So from my family to yours, we wish you a happy and safe Christmas and New Year. 

Most magical time of the year...

So this time of year is always meant to be magical right, I am guessing is because of Christmas and the whole Santa thing. For me the last few Christmas they haven't be all that magical, and if you haven't read my blog before I will fill you in quickly. 

In 2011 M cheated on me and in 2012 Charlotte ended up in hospital on Christmas Eve which started a whole bunch of tests. I am hoping this Christmas, things are a lot better. 

Things with M have been good. We have been talking a lot of things through, although this time year is still a sore spot and I know this because I turned into a blubbering mess the other day, but I feel that this affair has somehow brought us closer together (I know so clichéd). I guess the only way from here is up...right?

Charlotte also seems to be getting into a good rhythm with her medication, although she has been having a couple of flare ups with gluten, but we are seeing the paediatrician on Friday. 

We also had Santa photos today, although Charlotte screamed to high heaven and didn't want to go near him, Lachlan happily sat on his knee and told him what he wanted for Christmas. 

I am so hoping to make some good memories, but I am guess the Santa photo can happen next year.

My little man is now 3

Where has the time gone?

Lachlan has now been 3 for 5 days and I still can't believe it. 

We had a nice little party with Family and we had great sunny and warm weather (although the weather man said it was going to rain all day). He was so spoilt by everyone and just didn't stop having a good time.

As the day before I had my iron infusion, I was just so exhausted and sore, so his cake didn't really turn out the way I had planned, but it still tasted good, and everyone really enjoyed it, which really made me feel so much better. 

By the end of the day both children were so exhausted and so was I. M had to take care of all us. Which he did. He put Lachlan and Charlotte to bed and he took care of me, by giving me panadol and letting me relax on the couch. 

I was in so much pain after the long day we had and it actually took me several days to recover. But in the long run the infusion will do me so much good.

Babies on the back burner.

I am currently sitting have an iron infusion, for the 2nd te in as many years, and as these things take a few hours I thought why not write a blog (you know as you follow) 

M and I have been talkin a bit in the last week about babies and my physical and mental health. Out of that discussion we have decided we are going to put extending our family on the back burner for a couple of years while I get my weight and othe issues under control. 

Although I wasn't overly thrilled about the idea as I wanted having babies over and done with by the time I was 30, it means that it opens up the possibility of having more then 1 baby. 

So we have decided that in March 2016 we will start trying and if we haven't conceived by September I will go on Clomid. I know my fertility will decrease by they, but I will look into ways of increasing it, I am also hoping that with the weight loss I am hoping to have, it will reverse my PCOS. 

So like I said I am not overly thrilled, but I guess M is being my voice of reason for when my health is concerned. 

Preparation for Lachlan's 3rd Birthday.

Well what has been happening? 

I recently had an appointment with my haematologist and my iron once again has dropped really low, so on the 8th November I am going to need to have another iron infusion, which couldn't come at a worse time. 

You see Lachlan's 3rd party is on the 9th November and I just have so much to do. I was planning on making his cake on the Friday (8th) and do the food shopping, but now I can't. 

The infusion will take a good few hours to complete, this is due to my joints seizing the last time I did it, not to mention I have scheduled appointment with Julie that morning. 

I am going need to enlist the help of a lot of family members as I will be really out of action a couple of days. 

Lachlan is really looking forward to his birthday. He keeps asking if people are coming and if he can have different foods on the day. It is really cute. I just hope the day is everything he wants it to be. 

Evolution of my blog...plus some mush

So once again I haven't written in here for a little while, I guess it becomes a little harder to figure out something to write about when you aren't trying to conceive and you have to readjust the whole concept of your blog. 

When I first started this blog I was using it to get all the trying to conceive craziness out of my head so I could keep real and remain a little but more sane in the real world. Then it turned to a pregnancy diary when I was pregnant with Lachlan, where I found that this blog could be so much more then a carzieness outlet and I began to open myself up to the possiblity that I could use this blog as a therapy tool and help an inspire others that haven through the same issues I have. 

Then motherhood began and I was faced with the next chapter in my life, and what a journey it has been thus far...

With all of my pregnancies I just can't compare them as they are so completely different. Jensen's was a normal pregnancy which ended in tragedy, lanchlan's was normal with complicated birth, Charlotte's was complicated pregnancy with a normal c-section. Even with Lachlan and Charlotte they are just two completely different children. 

I am in some respects so lucky, and I thank god every day that I was given these two beautiful children to stay her with me, and I pray that he is keeping Jensen and my other angel babies safe. 

Happy 5th Birthday Jensen

So I has been a while since I last posted, but it usually takes me a while to come back and post after Jensen's birthday. 

It has been 5 years since we said good by to him, and it was nice to spend some quality time together as a family. 

Lachlan ran rings around his headstone saying happy birthday over and over again and Charlotte held tightly on to it, almost hugging it while she stood. 

We all sung him happy birthday and sat and had cake. I know we might not always have moments like this, as when the kids get older they might think it is silly to come and visit a brother they never met, but I will forever have these moments with me and I will look upon them fondly. 

Motivation, where art thou

I have been really struggling to find motivation for anything at the moment. Since seeing J a week or two ago and both of us deciding that it would be a good idea I came of my antidepressants (due to side effects that I have been having), I have become very flat. 

My sleeping has become very broken once again with at best getting 4 - 5 hours at night, it did seem to disappear for a little while, while I was on the medication, but returned rather quickly once I came off. J would really like me to try some more natural methods to help with my sleeping and mental health issues, as my body doesn't seem to react well with antidepressants. 

I didn't really think of trying more natural methods when this all started as I just wanted a quick fix, but I am more interested now as I have been living with this for a long time. J has a neuropath and masseuse starting at her practice in the next coming months and I am thinking I might take her up on her offer to try alternative methods. 

I guess I am willing to try anything as I am sick of not having any motivation. I really want to exercise as I am sick of my weight, I am sick of weighting 80kg when I used to be between 65-70kg on a good day. I am sick of not having any motivation to study, so I can begin my dream job. 

Ok I think I might have found a tiny bit of motivation to have a look into alternative methods for treating depression...I guess only time will tell if it is possible. 

It's my birthday!

Happy 27th birthday to me!!

Every time my birthday comes around I usually have a quite moment where I sit back and reexamine my life. 

Although things haven't always come easy to me (lost teenage years, pregnancies, etc) I haven't done too badly. Although I do see some areas I can work on. 

M and I don't own out own home, we are currently renting, so at least we have a roof over our head, and we are saving our deposit which is currently at $20 000. 

I am still battling with my demons, although I am trying to defeat them with the help of J my psychologist and the support of M. 

I am still overweight, but I am slowly decreasing the numbers on the scale. I am down 4.8kg and almost at my first goal of 5kg. 

Study, need I say more. I have been neglecting it of late and really need to pick up my game. 

But of all those things I have mentioned they do no worry me as I have strategies in place for all of them. I am going to try and make this next year as stress free as possible (even with trying to conceive). 

Miss Charlotte turns 1!

It is official my little Charlie is 1.

On the 5th September at 6.30pm she officially turned 1 years old. I really can't believe how quickly the last 12 months have gone, I swear it was only yesterday I was bringing this tiny little baby home. 

On her actual birthday we went and saw Dr Goodhew (it was a scheduled appointment and I didn't see the point in cancelling it because it was her birthday). Like usual he was lovely and wished Charlotte a big happy birthday, he also checked her weight, height and head circumference. For head circumference and height she is perfectly average, with her height being 74cm and her Head circumference being 45cm, but he showed some concern with her weight. 

Since last see him in July she has only put on 200g, so that is just 100g a month. She is currently only weighting 8.5kg, which sees her in the 10th percentile. He really would like to see gain more weight and get up to the 5th percentile by the next time we see him in December, but I really don't see that happening. I am currently feeding her whenever she is hungry and I am really not going to force feed her, as the will end up causing more problems.

We also talked about her reflux at this appointment and he has asked us to trial stopping her medication again in 2 months time. I think that he is hoping that at this next trial stop we will be able to take her off the medication, but I really have my doubts. I just have a feeling that this reflux will be around for a bit longer. 

At her birthday party (Saturday 7th September) everyone mentioned about how tough these last 12 months have been for Charlotte. As well as them being tough, they have been totally exhausting, not just for her, but for myself and M.

Both M and I are really hoping that these next 12 months will be better for Charlotte, and we get to see more of that cheeky personality that sometimes shows through. 

Actually we were lucky enough to see that cheeky personality shine though on Saturday. Her, along with her brother entertained everyone and she showed her beautiful smile to everyone (that still only includes 3 teeth) when she opened up all her awesome gifts from everyone. 

She was very spoilt with all the beautiful clothing she go, as well as a Disney Princess Castle, DVDs and both her and Lachlan got an in car DVD system and swimming lessons. 

I can also say that I am not a bad baker as well, as I managed to pull off a dairy and soy free Hello Kitty Birthday cake! Everyone told me how great it tasted and how beautiful the cake was, I was so damn impressed that it actually looked like Hello Kitty. 

This gives me great practice as I am going to be baking one for Lachlan too, and his is going to be Ben 10. 

So after all the birthday fun, everyone was totally exhausted and Charlotte and Lachlan were both in bed early and I fell asleep on the couch at about 6.30pm (mind you it was just a power nap). 

I am so immensely proud of my gorgeous daughter. Through every thing that she has been through this year, she has managed to do it but still continue to find the strength from within to smile. 

I am so proud to be her mother and to call her my daughter.

Sorry it has been so long

What to say....

Since having my turning point (see last post) I have gone onto antidepressants due to still not sleeping. I have now been now taking them for a week, and I am not too concerned they haven't started working as of yet, and people will know if they have been on antidepressants before, it can take 2-4 weeks for them to start working. 

My GP wanted me to start on 1/2 a tablet to begin with and then increase to a full tablet, which I kind off like as they can really knock you around if you start them and quickly up the dose. I am booked in to go and see him in another week to check the dosage and probably up them again.

I was really concerned about starting antidepressants again as I thought we were going to just try seeing the psychologist for now as the last antidepressants I was on affected my liver a bit and started to make me feel really sick, but both my GP and psychologist agreed that it was best for me as I was not sleeping. 

My sleep has been a big issue for me. It started back in July when I had my dark month, and since then I have been getting at best 4 hours a night. It also hasn't been helped by Charlotte getting sick. 

Speaking of Charlotte getting sick, she started projectile vomiting again last Friday, but both M and I have started to notice a pattern. Charlotte's reflux gets extreamly irritated (if that is the word) when she is teething. The time when she got dehydration and was projectile vomiting we took her to Hospital and at that time she was getting 3 teeth in. At that time we were told she had some sort of infection, but some how I believe that the doctors might have told us that as they weren't sure what was going on, but this time she had teething pain once again and she was doing the same type of thing.

My poor baby girl has not had a good 12 months...that's right Charlotte will be turning 1 in 2 days!!! It has gone so quickly. I really wish I could stop my babies from growing up. 

Turning Point

I have had a turning point, and it seems that I have only just come to accept. 

When Charlotte was in hospital with dehydration, I suddenly had this feeling, like a spark had gone off in my mind that enough was enough. This spark was telling me that I can't let my depression and my anxiety rule me any more, that it is has done enough by infecting my life, but I can't let it infect M's any more and I defiantly don't want it infecting my children's lives as well. 

Now I usually have these fleeting moments but they also come with something that drives them back into that dark hole from wench it came, but this time it has hung around. As I was preparing for my appointment with J (my psychologist), I was filled with excitement. 

I have been doing some researching on new exercises I can try and treatments (I will tell you about them once I have spoken to J) that I will talk to her about today when I have my appointment.  I think she will be very pleased to know about this turning point as the last few times that I have gone and seen her I have walked through the door and burst into tears. 

I know that I probably won't be able to move too quickly through these new options for my treatment, so I am prepared that it may take some time. I also remember that J mentioned that once I have overcome all my past and let go of it I may have some sort of post recovery period where things might get a bit worse, but I know if I can overcome this, then I can overcome anything!

A scary couple of days

I know in my last blog I reported that my little Charlie was going on to antibiotics for her throat and ear infection, well she has now been taken off them. 

On Thursday we had stated to notice that she was starting to go a little limp from exhaustion and we also assumed from dehydration as she had refused all solid food and fluids from Wednesday. It wasn't helping that she was still getting 39 and above temperatures as well.

M and I decided that it was best to take her to the Hospital even though we went to see the GP that morning. 

As it was raining M dropped Charlotte and I off at the emergency entrance (that is after we dropped Lachlan off my parents), at this stage Charlotte was getting worse and was basically limp in my arms. 

This was one of the most scariest mothering moments in my life. It felt that she had fought as hard as she could and she was now needing some help to get over the line. 

We got seen straight away, and were sent directly to the paediatric emergency ward where Charlotte was hooked up to monitoring equipment and had a cannula inserted into her foot (the only place they could find a workable vein) and was hooked up to her fluids. 

I wasn't able to let go of her I was so scared that something may be seriously wrong with her. 

They continuously checked her vital signs and her temp, which continued to be up around the 39's, and also asked for us to collect a urine sample, which was impossible as she hadn't had a wet nappy in over 24 hours. 


As the night continued on and the put up another bag of fluids and continue to give paracetamol every 4 hours, she became a bit cooler and she seem to struggle a lot less (although she was still asleep).

Once she woke, we started to test her with hydralyte to see if she would drink something, she slowly was starting to drink via a syringe. Which I started to have a little cry over as I had so much relief that she was starting to actually drink something. 

I talked the doctor about taking her home as she was now off the drip. They wanted to keep her over night, but as her immune system was already down I wanted to get her out of the Petri dish that was that hospital and home to where she could lie on my chest and we could snuggle. 

Thankfully they said yes, but told us that if she started to get dehydrated again we had to bring her straight in. 

Luckily that hasn't happened. She has started to have almost a full bottle again and has now started to have a couple of spoonfuls of rice cereal which is really great! She is still getting a temp every now and then and is still sleeping a lot, but hopefully she will be right as rain soon.

 I am going to ring her paediatrician on Monday to give him and update and see if there is anything else we need to do. 

Alright, I think it might be time to bed and this week has made me totally exhausted.   

In the last month

I have really neglected this blog in the last couple of weeks. I think it might be because a couple of things have been keeping me occupied. 

Two friends of mine A and D have separated in the last couple of months and they have have a 1 year old which just adds to everything. 

A decided that she had, had enough of D and left, without taking her daughter with her. So D became a single father, although they have since decided that A can see her during the day and on weekends. 

As they are both friends of mine I have been wanting to help them equally, but as soon as A found out I was talking to D she turned on me. She started to spread rumours about about me that have been really hurtful, she also has accused me of having an affair with D. 

Since then I have cut all communications with A as I really don't need that type of person in my life right now, especially since my mental health hasn't been great in the last month.

Also in things keeping me occupied my hours at work have somewhat increased. I am now doing 2 10 hour days and I am working the occasional day on the weekend. I have been a bit sad that I don't get to see my two babies that much on my 10 hour days, but it has helped us out financially as we have had some unexpected things pop up that needed to be paid for.

Today though I have taken the day off, my little Charlie Bear has had a high temp for the last two days (38.5 and above) and has been really lathargic, which is really hard to see. So today I took her to the Doctors and she has an ear and throat infection, so she has been put on antibiotics. 

Charlotte really hasn't gotten a break in the last month. She firstly got a cold which gave her a gross cough, she ended up passing this to Lachlan, but he recovered better then she did. Secondly, she had her skin prick test and it showed all negative, but she is still having an allergic reaction to soy and milk (so more investigations there). Thirdly, she had a trail run off her Nexium, but it looks like she still has reflux as she was projectile vomiting, very unsettled and was arching her back, so we put her back on the Nexium. 

Hopefully next month is better.

Spinning

I'm spinning. 

I am spinning uncontrollably and I can't breathe. I try to catch my breath but it is like my lungs can't fill with air.

This month brings back all sorts of bad memories that I am afraid to think about, but don't have the luxury of forgetting.

Some people ask me why I don't just let go and move on? But I just say it is not as easy as that.

On a good day I might be lucky to just get a whisper of anxiety and insomnia, but on a bad day I may get constant anxiety that will lead to panic attacks, nightmares and won't be able to get out of my bed. I feel like some days are a constant battle. 

I would give anything not to have this part of my life. I would give anything to have constant happiness in my life. 

But this was the life that I was dealt, and this is the life that I will need to make work....but not this month.

I have already taken 3 days off work this month and I have only been back to work for a month. I have seen my GP and he gave me this whole week off work to see if time will will get me out of this funk (my words not his), if not I have to go back to see him and we will talk about medication. 

I don't really want to go back on medication as it started to affect my liver last time, but if I need it to get me back on track, then that is what I will have to do.

We have a date!

M and I have decided when we are going to try for bub #3!!! So excited!!

We have had a discussion and have decided for the start of next year, whenever my first cycle is for 2014. 

So before then I am going to work on losing a lot more weight, to hopefully improve my chances of conceiving earlier. While doing so I am going to do a little more research into PCOS to see if there is anything else to improve my chances of conceiving. 

M and I are also going to look at moving into a bigger house. We have been thinking about doing it for awhile but just haven't got around to doing it just yet, so this is a great chance to do it. At the moment we are living in a 3 bedroom townhouse with not much of a backyard, also the backyard doesn't have a fence and the landlord refuses to put one up (apparently it is his choice if he puts one up or not). Ideally I would love a 4 bedroom house with a backyard so the kids can play safely.  

I have actually found one that I really life and it is near where my sister lives. It is about $100 more then we are paying here but we can afford it. I might see if we can inspect it...something to look forward too. 

Charlotte has also got her first tooth, it only took her 10 months lol. This new medication seems to have improved her symptoms as well. She has turned into a bright bubbly little girl and I am loving it!! We have her allergy testing in a couple of weeks so that will help with giving us a bit more leeway when coming to feeding her.

This and that

On Thursday (4/7/2013) we had Charlotte's paediatrician appointment with Dr G, Lachlan was an absolute dream and didn't play up at all, even Dr G and the reciptionst noticed, which makes me feel so proud of him.  

Charlotte is still sitting in the 10th percentile for weight, but not going any lower which is great. We also talked about getting her tested for allergies, which I am thankful that Dr G brought up because I was going to ask anyway. He said because we are still uncertain about why she she has gotten rashes when eating and also because we know about the milk and soy allergy we need to get a skin prick test. This test will take place on 25th July. 

Today our little fam is going out to get anew car seat for Lachlan. He is getting to big for his current seat and his head is now starting to sit above the seats head rest, which is reall dangerous if we get into an accident. 

I think I will take us all to a nice lunch as well. It has been a while since we have had a nice lunch out. 

Past and self discovery

****WARNING THIS POST COULD HAVE A TRIGGER EFFECT FOR SOME READERS****

I am currently lying in bed alone. 

M is currently at work (night shift) and I seem to do a lot of thinking while I am alone in this bed of ours. 

It is coming up to 13 years since I was gang raped...(taking long steady breaths) an I have had this heart clenching, fearful cloud hanging over my head for that long (and probably for the rest of my life). Although the thoughts about this cloud have changed throughout the years it has been constant, and a constant reminder of what happend.  

My physical injuries of that night have all healed, but the mental and emotional scaring still remins. I can still feel, smell, hear and taste everything of that night and relive it every time I close my eyes. 

From that moment my whole life changed and I was never going to be the girl I thought I was when I turned 14. 

I was broken. I felt that I was no longer good enough. I did not want to live. 

Every moment until I met H I wanted to kill myself and believe me I tried, but something kept holding me back. 

H was at that point my life a means to forget. He provide me with powders and pills (mostly ecstasy) as a way to escape from this world and to go into a world where I was wanted and where I was more then good enough. This world was a way to pay for my expensive new means to escape, where I was whored out to his friends. 

Every touch made me want to peel of my skin with acid and scream out in pain...but I didn't. Ecstasy was the only thing that was making me stay here, and this is how my walls went up. 

I built a barrier so that every time I had sex with someone I zoned out. I left my body so that I couldn't feel anything, I was just shell. 

And then I met J. 

J never touched me, and I think he knew from the moment I met him that something was wrong. He was my sound bored and listened to me, protected me and cared for me. He was H's best friend and my light in this darkness. He tried to help me even though I resisted and was there when I needed him the most. 

The day I found out I was pregnant it almost killed me and it would of if it wasn't for J. Once again he took me down from the ledge and helped me when I knew I wouldn't be able to keep the precious gift that I wasn't worthy of. 

In that moment I knew what I needed to do. I needed to say goodbye to that reckless life that I was leading (even J, which was tough) and get clean. 

Now that I am clean and seeing a psychologist I feel I need to follow a path to self discovery. Currently my inner self is a scared little girl who is battered and bruised, but I feel I need to find that inner warrior who I feel is my true self. 

The good and the bad.

So I had my first week back at work this week and it was like I never left. 

I walked in and everyone was so excited to see me and apparently they missed me a lot, with of them hugging me so tightly that I felt like I couldn't breath. 

After the first couple of hours of me re orintating myself with the Recovery Ward I was right back into it and it was like I never left. 

On my first day back I even got offered a promotion! 

But unfortunately with all good things there are also bad. Over the last couple of days I have been feeling like crap. I really can't put into words what exactly I have been feeling and every time I try to talk about it I start crying. 

I had my appointment with J yesterday and as soon as I walked into her room I burst into tears. Once I calmed down a bit we had a bit of a talk and I felt a bit better, I also talked to my friends from my BH November mother's group and like always they were a good shoulder to lean on and had some loving advice. 

I have had periods like this before and I am not proud of the methods I used to bring myself out of it, but this time things are going to be different. I have a great psychologist who is working through this with me and my Husband is better equipped to help me, I also I have my too beautiful children who make me smile everyday. 

Charlie starts child care.

My youngest bubba started child care yesterday, in preparation of me returning to work next week. 

Things were a bit different this time around. When Lachlan first started we had a bit if a wait for him to start and when he eventually started he was 18 months old and I had been back at work since he was 8 moths old. This time around we were lucky as children who already have a sibling in care get preference. 

Charlotte will be going Tuesdays for 2 weeks then will start a Monday. Eventually she will go a Wednesday as well, but until there is a spot my mum and dad will take care of her. 

The child care workers said that she was wonderful and barely cried (here I was thinking she would cry non stop). Also surprising she had 2 good sleeps and also self settled.  She did so much better then I expected, I am so incredibly proud of her. 

The workers also were glad that Lachlan didn't become over protective, apparently in the past some kids have become over protective when their brother or sister started and it make things hard when the workers try to care for the child. 

Hopefully Charlotte and Lachlan will be just as perfect next week. 

Life after babies

Have you given much thought to life after you have finished having babies?

I know I haven't....that is until last night. 

So last night M and I were having a chat and we have decided that our next baby will probably be our last. Now I have never liked the idea of uneven number of children as I always feel like someone will be left out, but M only really wanted 2 so this is our compromise. 

Anyway I asked M where he saw himself in 5 years, he replied with "I see myself in a management position, why? Where do you see yourself?" I think I stared at him blankly for a moment, because I didn't really know where I saw myself. 

Ever since I met M I knew I wanted to have a family with him and the moment I found out I was pregnant with Jensen all I could think about was babies. So for the last 9 years my life has been about babies and nothing else. 

I have never had any future goals, I have never thought of furthering my career as I was never really work driven. I was always about having a family and having babies...that was me. 

Now with us wanting to try for a another baby in the future I have this impending doom that there is nothing for me to do in the future. 

So this morning I have sat down with a cuppa tea, a pen and a piece of paper that read in 5 years. At first I wrote down have a baby as that was the only thing I could see myself doing, but then ideas began to flow and I ended up having my list, which read a page long! The relief that I felt knowing that there was life for me after babies was amazing. There was even points that were career driven as well like, finish my diploma and get a job in community service. 

One thing I did notice while I was writing this list was how much things will change. Lachlan will be starting primary school within the next 5 years and I will also be preparing Charlotte for primary school as well. Another thing is that M and I will be turning 30! 

So maybe the next chapter after babies won't be so scary, maybe it is just coming in time. 

So it has been a while...

Not much has been happening here with my little family. That little oops that M and I had didn't eventuate into anything, and like usually I got my hopes up (even though I said I wasn't going to) and then came crashing down when the test came back as a negative and AF arrived. 

As it is like pulling teeth with M I have managed to get him to agree to start talking about TTCing when Charlotte turns 1. So I have until September 5th to some how convince him that having 3 children will be better then 2.  

It is kind of funny, when we first started talking about TTC we both said that we would love to have 4 kids, but now that we have children things have changed. M thinks that 2 kids is enough, and that some how my body won't be able to carry anymore due to my last pregnancy, and me well I think having an army is a great idea (although I will probably at most only be able to have 4 as M will put a stop to it.)

Even if we start talking about TTC I don't want to start until next year some time. I am currently sorting out my own life. I am still seeing J once every 2 weeks and well things have been going well in that area (which I am really surprised to say). I have managed to open up to here which I haven't been able to do with anyone bar M, and I feel like I need to have a really good plan set in place before diving into the world of TTCing again. 

The times where I have TTC I have become obsessed (which I think most of us do) and I don't really want to do that again, I want the whole process to be stress free and comfortable. The other reason I want a plan in place is because my pregnancy with Charlotte was so stressful and it really took it out of me, it would be great to have some methods to keep my anxiety under control, just in case it happens again. 

And lastly the aftermath. It always seems to happen (as it has happened in all my pregnancies) I wind up in a big whole of depression after I have my babies. This next pregnancy I want to be prepared for it and able to tackle it if it rears its big ugly head. I don't want to miss all the beautiful moments with my child because I have depression. 

So starting at my next session with J I am going to ask her help to prepare for this next journey, so that I can show M that I am in a happy place. 

Another thing I want to do before we TTC again is to lose weight, which in turn will improve my fertility. As you already know I have PCOS, and one of the problems with PCOS is weight gain, and the inability to lose weight easierly. I was lucky with my pregnancy with Charlotte that I actually only put on 3kg (which I actually lost when she was born, plus a few extras) and I have also managed to lose another 5kg since then. 

Ideally I would like to lose another 15kg or even 10kg (I will take anything) and I have some ideas about how I can start the weight loss. The only think that might get in my way is work. 

Yes work. I will be heading back there on the 18th June (insert sad face here). At first I was looking forward to getting back there, but now not so much. Charlotte and I have really only started to get to know each other as her first 6 months were horrible due to the reflux, I know I am going to be sad when I head back to work, but hopefully the separation gives her some more Independence. 

Oh and the toilet training has been going great and we have had hardly no accidents (we have one or two every now and then). Lachlan has done so well and both M and I are so proud of him. 

10 years

10 years ago to this day I made a decision to change my life, but it started with one painful moment. 

I was 16 and you were growing inside me, you were part of me. I wasn't ready to look after you, I couldn't even look after myself, I was a complete and utter mess. 

Choosing to say goodbye to you was incredibly hard and I thought I wouldn't be able to do it, but I moment I did I made a promise to you, a promise I have kept. 

I promised you that I would change my life, that I would ditch my drug dealing boyfriend and drugged up friends, that I would get clean and that I would make something of myself and my life. So far I hope I have lived up to that promise and that you are proud of me. 

Everyday I thank you for coming into my life and showing me the strength to find my way out of the big black hole that I had created for myself. I hope I continue to prove to you that I can do this, that I can be a better person. 

Happy Mother's Day...and the rest.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there, the ones that can hold their babies in their arms and to the mothers that hold their beautiful angel babies in their hearts. 

Today we took a trip out to see Jensen to spend some special Mother's Day moments with him. It was nice to have the whole family together. I feel so bad that I haven't made a lot of time to go and see him, I must do that. 

I got a beautiful made card from Lachlan that he made a childcare and I just love it. I can't believe has been in childcare for almost a year now, time is just going by so quickly. 

I also got some beautifully framed pictures of my gorgeous children amongst some other things. 

Also Lachlan's toilet training is going so great and is going to the toilet like a champ. I am so proud of him. 

Charlotte has also been sick and has laryngitis :( the doctor said that she would get better and she hasn't as of yet so I will give it until Tuesday (I am going to the doctors then). 

Toilet Training continued....

So yesterday was such a better day. Lachlan surprised both of us so much with his toilet training efforts.

Frost thing in the morning we put his undies on and we waited, and waited, and waited 5 hours post undies put on! I was amazed he could hold it so long as we were pushing the liquids like they were going out of style. But it was worth the wait, he did a nice big wee in the toilet. I was so proud that he did it, and it seemed like from there something clicked. He started telling us he wanted to do wees and he raced off to the toilet with us.

The only thing we have tackle now is poos. He seems to be holding on to them, but I am sure he will get the idea once he realises that he needs to do it.

Toilet Training

Yesterday we started toilet training Lachlan. I read the 3 day method that I got from a friend and I am taking some of the tips from it, as Lachlan is starting to look like it will take him a little longer.

Yesterday we had 5 wees on the floor and 0 in the toilet. To tell you the truth I felt like the whole thing failed and I also felt frustrated, and may have let some of the frustration out.

But today is a new day!

He has let me know he needed to wee twice, but nothing came of it. But I am not going to get frustrated, we are going to make this work.

Watch this space!

Ramblings

I have so much crap going around in my head at the moment and it is making it very hard to sleep.

I have an appointment with J tomorrow and like usual I have come to the stage where I close off. I don't mean to do as I know I need help, but my mind some how builds back up that wall and allows no one to enter. I have done this with pervious psychologists (although it usually happens sooner then this) and then I usually don't go back and see them, but J is different. I seem to connect really well with her and I the past I have looked forward to our appointments, but I think it is getting to the part where I really need to open up about what happened and I just can't find the strength to do it. I know she has said we don't have to go through it, but I feel that it would beneficial for me as I feel I need to get it out there.

I don't know, I guess when I am ready I will be ready, but I don't want to have to wait another 12 years to tell someone what happened.

I am sorry I am rambling, but I can't sleep and everyone else is asleep so this is my only outlet.

And so it begins

When we had the oops I told myself that I wouldn't get excited and that I wouldn't over think things, especially symptoms, but of course when you have previously tried to conceive it is hard to switch your mind off this sort of thing. Also when you have PCOS and you have a slip up like this especially around the time you ovulate you always hope for that special miracle, that you might naturally conceive. 

I know that when I became pregnant with Lachlan I did it all on my own, and that was truly amazing as it was possible that I could have had PCOS then as well, as it took me 6 months and 1 miscarriage to conceive Lachlan. Then we have Charlotte who was conceived with the help of fertility drugs, and I thank God everyday that there was something out there to help me get my precious baby girl (even though I get frustrated with her reflux), and Dr D was perfect with both through both pregnancies even with all the complications we had with the last pregnancy. 

I just keep thinking that if we manage to conceive a baby on one try and without the help of fertility drugs and months and months of trying, lets just say that it would be so amazing. 

Oh I have to stop over thinking all this and thinking that there is a possibility that something might be happening and that there might be a baby. 

Either way if nothing happens and AF shows up I still have 2 beautiful children and I love to bits, and M and I can always talk about having another baby in the future. 

Oops

Well to start things off, last night I had an awesome time. I went to a hens party where I didn't have to worry about kids or all the other stuff that comes with it. So I got my drink and danced the night away, I felt so free and young, it also helped that I got hit on multiple times by this group of guys, it felt great that I could still pull them even though I have a ring on my finger.

Well any way here comes the oops. After the night was done I headed home, full of cocktails and energy and well there was a man in my bed and well I had an itch to scratch and well he scratched it...but there was no protection involved.

Now there is no problem if the outcome of this oops ends up in pregnancy...well it would be a bloody miracle as I needed fertility drugs to get my beautiful Charlotte.

There will be a freak out though as it could be a touch too soon as Charlotte has reflux and it is killing us, but secretly I am hoping we get a little miracle.

Recovering

Well like bloody usual when it comes to people in my house getting sick, I always end up being the one that ends up the sickest. 

This time around it started last Monday (15/04/13). I ended up with conjunctivitis...a really horrible case of it in my left eye and my right eye only had a little bit in it. So off I go to the doctors and as I cant get into see my regular doctor I just go and see whoever...bad idea. I seem to get the new age type doctor and he gives me a who bunch of statistics why I shouldn't get this medication, and just to get out there I agree with him. 

Now it is Tuesday and I am starting not to feel too good and I by Tuesday night I start getting a fever. Wednesday I am flat on my back can barely move and fever is still hanging around and Panadol doesn't seem to be helping at all. I have also now started to vomit.

Thursday I get into see my regular doctor who gives me a scrip for eye drops and some tablets for my nausea he also gave me a warning after taking my blood pressure that if I felt any worse that I will need to go to the hospital as things weren't looking good. 

By midnight I felt like absolute crap! So I got on the phone and called M to come and take me to the hospital and called my sister L to come look after the kids.  When I go there they pumped me full of fluids and gave me a stat dose of antibiotics for a infection I had in my bladder (which I didn't know I had). 

After spending the night in hospital for the night I started to feel a lot better and they sent me home where I have been recovering since Friday. I am not totally feeling 100% but I am getting there. 

A bit if this and that

So since my last post not much has been happening. J has gone away so I don't have an appointment with her for a couple of weeks. So I am going to try and make some self improvement on my own until I see her again. I will keep you all updated on how things go.

Last Friday I got some pics done of the kids and I received some sneak peek pictures of them and all I can say us I love them!!

I have been all about keeping this blog anonymous because it has been great letting my deep dark secrets out without having to care who hears, but I really want to share these pics as they are just perfect. Some times it sucks being anonymous.

This week we have an appointment for Charlie with Dr G and I have been writing down some stuff to talk to him about. I am just wanting something more done for her. I am sick of seeing her in pain.

Lowest of lows

As you know I have been seeing J (my shrink), and as you also know we have been hitting the tough subjects, and I think we have hit one subject that has really hit me. 

When I was at my lowest of lows and I was using my body as more of an amusement park then a temple, I fell pregnant. 

I was 17 and I was sleeping around so much at the time, I had no idea who the father was and I was taking so many pills that I didn't even know what day it was, but on the other hand I was taking those pills to escape from what happened to me and to escape from who I was becoming. 

I knew that I wasn't going to be the perfect mother to this child. I knew the moment this baby came Earthbound (if it even made it that far) it was going to be addicted to so much crap it wouldn't survive. I knew then and there I had a decision to make.

At that moment in my life I had only one person that care about me and he was involved with the group I was sleeping around with (although I had never slept with him), and he knew something was up with me so I told him. He was very caring (when he shouldn't have been) and he told me that we would work this out together. I had never had a man care about me in this way before, I was used to men hitting on me for sex, or using me, or in other cases hurting me, but this man was gentle and caring...it was so weird to me.

The choice I made was so hard for me as I respected life, I believe that everything, no matter how small has a right to life. But bring this baby into the world, would have no life. If it made it into the world it would probably have so many medical problems, from it's mother's stupidity, and I was in no right mind to look after a child. 

This baby, even though it was never born changed my life forever. It was the reason I became clean and left that horrible life that I was living behind. It changed my life for the better, and I am hoping that I am honoring that child's life for becoming the person that I should have been when I became pregnant with them.

Extremely early morning ramblings

It's 3.36am here in NSW, Australia and I have been up since 1.53am. I didn't go to bed early last night as I was trying to finish off a question of my assignment that I started 2 weeks ago, but recently have been neglecting due to other things.

But instead of sleeping I am sitting up in bed hearing Charlotte cry in the next room. I have been in to check on her a couple of hundred times as I know that if I don't she becomes inconsolable and that just brings a whole list of other problems, that I just can't deal with right now.

But right now I just sit here.

I sit here because I have already had a full day of her constant crying, whinging and screaming. I sit here because I have already lost my cool and gone in and told her to shut up. I sit her because if I don't calm down I know it will just make matters worse then they already are.

I just sit here and listen.

I know some might say I am a horrible mother for telling my child to shut up, but unless you have been in my shoes, unless your a reflux mum, you have no idea.

~gone to check on her~

Once again I am not happy with my behavior. I picked her up but she continued to cry.

Once again I tell her to shut up, this time adding that her incessant crying is probably going to wake up her brother, that he constant 'all about me' attitude is keeping me awake, but really what does she understand.

She has been in this pain all her life, she has known nothing else.

~gone to check on her~

Anger level increasing as well as frustration.

Why are we not wired to cope with something like this?

They give this to babies who have no voice to communicate with, that have no understanding of what they are going through. But us, the parents some how need to console this poor screaming and crying child 24 hours a day without know how to do it.

They say the best thing is to have support around you, and I do have family around me but they can't help. I have a sister that works 2 jobs, a brother that does full time uni and 60 year old parents with a mother that has her own medical problems. So they can't help.

~gone to check on her, once again~

It has now gone over 2 hours. I hate this. I am not made to do this, it wasn't written in mummy code to deal with a reflux baby.

~now sitting up rocking her~

We need a new plan of attack, obviously things are not working as they are getting worse. With me doing all this by myself and not being able to turn to someone help is becoming too much.

Sick

The whole family has been out sick with this stupid bug that Lachlan brought home from childcare, and we all know that sharing is caring...(please enter sarcasm). Lucky Charlotte didn't get it, that kid must have a great immune system, M is currently not complaining (which is a good thing) so I think he is pretty much over it, Lachlan is still has a pretty yucky cough and I still feel like I am dying but, like all mums we must carry on.

So this basically put my whole exercise program back until I feel better *sigh* but I will have have to start it back up when I feel better. 

Actually the only exercise I actually did was 50 squats. A few of us in the November group are doing 30 days of squats, which I think is a great idea as I don't want to let the girls down and it gets me involved.

Some Weight Loss Motivation

I need a plan...this has gone on too long...it is time for me to get off my butt and lose this weight!

Step 1: Self Assessment.

Determining exactly where I am at this moment.

BMI: 28.69 - overweight (which I knew just by looking at myself lol)

Waist to hip ratio: 0.91 - high risk

I see my hematologist every 6 months so I regularly get blood tests which includes BMI and liver function test (oh which reminds me I need to tell you what happened there), so I will be able to keep track on those. I would only have to see my GP to ask about other tests, like cholesterol, BSL, glucose etc. 

I also have to take into account underlying medical conditions, one of which is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). As you are already aware I have had problems with PCOS in the past, it has messed with my fertility with both of my two children, although with Lachlan I was unaware of the condition and managed to conceive him in 6 months. Although we weren't so lucky the second time around, and needed to turn to medication to help me ovulate, luckly the medication worked first time around and we got or miracle, Charlotte. 

I have tried to lose weight before, when I found out I had PCOS, I went to the gym, got a personal trainer, started to eat healthy and I really put effort in, but I didn't see any results, which really depressed me, which saw me stopping as I got really down about things.

I also suffer from depression, which let me tell you is a real motivation killer. I can't control when I will have bad days, I can only improve them, which I try to do but it is really difficult. 

Another medical condition I might have is something to do with my liver. I saw my hematologist and my live test were extremely high. I have gone for an ultrasound and another blood test and will need to go and see my GP to get the results, I am hoping to go sometime this week. 

Although it is not a medical condition, I am still going to write this here. Charlotte is a big part of my lack of motivation as things sometime don't go to plan with her as her reflux can cause us to have majorly long holding sessions.

Step 2: Goal settings

I have set goals before but I have never reached them...I really wish I did because maybe I wouldn't be writing this blog, I might be writing one instead about my smoking hot new body lol. 

So my goals. 

My first goal is going to be small, I just want to lose 5kg...God I will jump up and down with excitement if I lose 5kg! At least if I lose 5kg (or even 2) I will know that I can do it, and that it is worth it. 

My second goal would be thin enough to feel comfortable going to a beach. We are really wanting to take a family holiday in November when M has time off and I don't want to feel the need to sit on on the side lines and think about the fun I could be having if I was thinner, I want to be having that fun then and there.

Ideally I would love to get down to my perfect weight range, whatever that might be, but I will know it when I see myself in the mirror and I feel comfortable in my own body, then I will know it.

I am also thinking of giving myself little rewards after meeting goals for myself. Not food obviously, but little rewards like a new piece of clothing, getting my hair done, a message, something just to feel good about myself, which in turn will keep me motivated.

Step 3: Diet Plan

I know with my PCOS I need to eat Low GI so there is a perfect start for myself, but depending on what is going on with my liver I could be needing to something different there as well, but if I don't have a problem with my liver I have been thinking about going on a body trim type of diet. 

Some of the girls in the November group have tried it and they have had great success, losing great numbers. I would really like to try this and just see the numbers drop off, I know it would be hard work to keep to the diet plan (the first 3 days will be just protein), but I really want this now, I really need to do this for me. I really don't want to us the drugs next time I try for a baby, I want to try and do it naturally, and if I do have to us the drugs, I want to be able to say to myself that I gave it a fair go. 

It will also be fun trying different recipes out as I really am enjoying cooking lately. 

Step 4: Exercise Plan

I have set up an exercise plan including strength and cardio work outs, which I have put together in 5 week blocks, so my body can adjust to the work outs and so I can also perfect them before moving to the next stage. 

I have also sussed out some perfect walking locations so that I can take the pram along with me, so when Charlotte is restless she can view the beauty which is the ocean. 

When I start my exercise plan, I will blog what I am doing. 

Step 5: Motivation and Support

This is the big step that I am sure that everyone struggles with. I know that I have always struggle with this, and I have always had a hard time finding support to help me along with this. 

I have told M that this is what I want to do, and I really need his support as this is something for me this time (I am so used to putting everyone first and J (my shrink) has told me to something for me, for a change). I am just hoping that he can stay motivated and support me through this. 

As in motivation I am looking up some motivational quotes that will hopefully motivate me to lose some kgs, then hopefully losing the weight and rewarding myself to keep the weight loss coming. 

well fingers crossed...that it happens. 

Step 6: Monitoring Progress

I am going to set a Weight in/measurement day...probably starting on a Monday morning (seeing as that is going to be tomorrow and the day I start). 

I am going to take both weight and measurements as if I don't lose kgs, I might have lost centimeters...which is still a lost, and really I will be happy with whatever lost I get!!

Step 7: Reassessment

After 5 weeks (when I move up to my next exercise program) I will reassess my whole plan, I will go over everything and see what is working and what isn't, because every plan needs to be tweaked every now and then. 

It will also give me the opportunity to implement any new things I pick up along the way.

Step 8: Maintenance

The final step that will complete my weight loss journey. 

When I reach that perfect weight, I will need to maintain that weight. I know it sounds like a hard thing to do, but I am sure going through the weight loss I will gain so much knowledge that I will know exactly what to do when I get there.

But I don't really need to think about that right know as I am only just starting out. 


 So here is to a new start, and to the weight loss journey a head.  

Exhausted

I am physically and mentally exhausted. The moment I think I am on top of something, everything comes crashing back down again. 

I needed to ring Dr G this morning, because once again Charlotte's new formula is not working and it is making her vomit once again. In the back of my mind when he said for us to try this other formula I knew it wasn't going to work for us as it didn't work the first time around, but I thought I would give it the benefit of the doubt as I am very much into "Whatever it takes" right now. But low and behold I should have gone with my mummy instincts and told Dr G that it wasn't going to work for her and that we should try something else. 

Why can't things just be easy for Charlotte, why can't she just be given some kind of break for once...because in turn this would give me a break. 

I know that I am her mother, and I love her to bits, and I would never want to give her up, but...I really need a break. All this constant crying and whinging is really getting to me. The crying and the whinging has been the one constant in her life, and in my life since she was born...and I know that she can't help it, and that she has no other way to communicate, but I really just wish it would stop. I feel like I am going crazy.

There is a lot of people, mainly M who say that I should have a break from her, but it is really hard for me to let anyone else take over. I feel as though that they won't be able to handle here and that my break will be short lived and they will constantly call me or message me asking questions or asking when I will be coming back. Or when  I do come back I will hear them whinge and complain about her and how she was with them, and I don't really want that, I don't want to put people in the same situation I am in if I don't have too. 

So here I am...exhausted, and here I will stay. 
 

Hopefully one step closer....

Charlotte had an appointment with Dr G today and he confirmed what we already knew which was that Charlotte has a cow milk protein allergy plus a soy allergy. Again we are trying a new formula (I know it would be so much easier if I was breastfeeding), which we need to trial for2 weeks, and if things go well we will get a prescription for it and we will continue on that until she can change to a non soy non dairy milk (lol).

Last night was also hellish for me as well as Charlotte was up every hour after 11.30pm and then at 3.30am she was up every 5-10 minutes, so I am utterly exhausted and it doesn't help that I have a cold that doesn't seem to be getting any better.

I know it is not much of an update but I feel like crap (LOL)

Poor Charlie bear is sick

As you can see Charlie is sick. The doctor seems to think that she has gastro, but I am not so sure as no one else is sick. She has had diarrhea for 4 days now, but other then that she has been perfectly happy. She is still taking her bottle and attempting to eat her solids (but that is another problem totally unrelated), but she has this diarrhea that doesn't seem to want to go away at this stage. 

A friend of my from my online BH Nov group suggested that it might be toddlers diarrhea I have never heard of it before, so if things haven't improved with her by the time we see the Dr G (her pediatrician) on the 19th March I might mention it to him. Other then that we will be going back to the GP tomorrow to see what useless thing they can come up with this time...I really have little faith in the GP we saw on Tuesday, but unfortunately the one we usually see was away.

I am really hoping that Charlotte can get a break sometime soon as this poor little one has been through enough already.

Let go of your past, as your past has let go of you.

I had a really good session today with J (if you have forgotten, she is my psychologist), we had a bit of a chat to start off with and talked about how things were going with Charlotte, as I had mentioned to her about the different things that had been good on. She said that she had noticed that I looked a lot calmer and that I had also had lost some weight (yay go me!). 

As we moved on with the session we discussed the possibility of me trying hypnosis. I kind of laughed about the idea and asked if she was going to make me bark like a chicken and she laughed, then turned to me and said that its actually bark like a duck. After our laughter subsided we actually talked about the benefits of trying hypnosis, and how it is not like you see on TV. J said that I would have complete control and that if I didn't like any thing she said I could come back and we could stop. 

I thought for a moment and said what the hell...I am sure it wouldn't do any harm. So I say on the couch and closed my eyes and went for it. I can't really remember everything see said while I was under hypnosis, but one thing did stay with me. J said that we can't change our past and that we need to let go of our past, as our past has let go of you. 

It really stuck with me through the whole session and it really got me thinking. I know I have talked a bit about my past with J (and blogged about it here), but I have always talked to her about how I don't want it to define who I am, that I want to be about confront it and not be afraid of it, but I have never talked to her about forgetting it and just letting go. This basically gives me a whole new way of thinking about it. 

Do I really want to forget about it and let go of it forever? 

If I do let go and forget about it, how do I go about doing it?

Something really to think about for I see her again in 2 weeks.

Keeping Calm

What I have learned about being a reflux mum is that you need to have a lot of patients and to breathe. Things can be really hard when Charlotte is being refluxy, sometimes all she wants is to be held and walked around the house continuously, which can be really hard if you are sore and tried, but that is where that patients comes in.

Today I have started to retrain her in terms of sleep. There was a period there where we would have to rock her to get her to sleep because putting her down in the cot would just bake her scream! So today I was putting her down in her cot with her dummy (say what you will but my kids get dummies) and walked out of the room. The first time around it was successful! I did a little happy dance knowing that it worked, for her second sleep of the day it wasn't so good. It took a bit more then 30 minutes for her to get off to sleep, and that was were the breathing came into play. I made sure that while I was up stairs out side her bedroom, giving her some time to calm down and go to sleep on her own, that I kept busy. I stretched and did some exercise. I went up and down the stairs a couple of times, I did some lunges in the hallway as well as some other leg exercises and went in to replace her dummy during the intervals. It worked out really well.

Tonight was pretty much the same and it took her a couple of times to get her off to sleep, but thankfully I am one of the lucky ones and Charlotte tends to sleep all the way through the night. There has only been a couple of nights where she has been really bad and it has taken some serious rocking, shhhing and patting to get her off to sleep. 

Lachlan has also officially given up naps. Before he was just having them at childcare and they were lasting an hour, but now he has stopped. It is kind of a good thing as he sleeps really well at night when he doesn't have a nap during the day, and a happy baby at night is a happy mummy at night. 

 

Touched

This song has touched me so much this morning. The words he has sung has made me think about my Jensen and my other angles that I didn't get a chance to meet. 

I will hold my earth babies close xx

Whatever it takes!

I have come to a stage where I am saying "whatever it takes", when it comes to Charlotte and her health issues. 

I know that things will be hard around here until we find something to help with Charlotte and her reflux, and I guess also her milk protein allergy as well. So I am just going to say whatever it takes, and if that means I will be baby wearing her all day every day or singing to her to get her to open her mouth so that she can feed, then that is what I am going to do. And yes singing is what I have to do to get her to feed at the moment, but at least she is feeding.  One good thing is that she has double her birth weight (birth weight 2.7) to 5.4 kg, although coming up to 6 months she is still only 6.4kg and has only put a kilo on in 2 months.

At this stage she is on this special prescription formula, and well that isn't working so we have put her on her old formula until we see her pediatrician tomorrow to discuss our next options, whatever they might be. 

Although I am totally drained, and she is not sleeping more then 30 minutes during the day, and in between feeds there is more crying and screaming then smiles, I am going to focus on those smiles and try and get her and our family through this. 

The reason my pregnancy with Charlotte was so hard, is to prepare myself for the long road that we have ahead with her reflux.  



Also I decided that it was time for a bit of a blog change, so there is a nice new pretty pink background. 

When it rains, it pours

Things around here have been pretty crap. Charlotte's doctor has tried her on two new formulas in the past 4 days. The first one which was a soy based formula made her projectile vomit, which was so not good. The second one we have been taken things a lot slower and so far things have been a bit crap she has been a lot more irritable and has been crying a lot more and screaming. I really can't stand my daughter being in so much pain all the time, I want my daughter to be happy, I want her to know there is more to life. We have another appointment on Wednesday with her doc.

On Thursday I rushed Lachlan off to emergency as he had an allergic reaction to something, not really sure what, but with in 2 minutes he was covered in a bright red, hot, itchy rash. Thankfully the rash was the only problem. He was given some pretty strong antihistamines and was kept in for observations and by the morning the rash was pretty much gone, bar some patches that were are bit worse then others. He is home now and doing a lot better and is still on these drugs until Wednesday, we are going to get him allergy tested to see what he could have reacted too.

I would love to have a bit of a relaxation day lol

The struggle with Reflux

I feel things will always be a struggle with us with Charlotte. We have completely stopped all puree's and all she is eating is rice cereal, although that seems to be hard work as well.

Everything seems to been going down hill at the moment with her reflux as she gets older, I really don't see things getting better for anytime soon.

The vomiting is still the same, with her vomiting after every bottle and they are fairly big vomits. Also the constant crying and screaming throughout the day which has been really hard on all of us, not to mention day sleeps which are non existent.

Dr Goodhew was putting together a plan to start to wean Charlotte off her meds in the next few months, but I feel we won't be able to do this and Charlotte will need to continue on them for some time.

Been a while

It's been a while since I last blogged and I can honestly say that my motivation came to a gigantic hilt due to a nasty virus I got which has really hung around and seems to not want to go away. I have been having major headaches, fevers and constant fatigue, it has been horrible. So I haven't been doing any exercise at all, but due to the crap that my body has been going through I have lost 3kg.

Things with Charlotte have been crap to put it nicely. Solids have not been going well and we will probably have to stop and try again in a few weeks time. Also we might have to make our own baby food her so we can try things individually rather then using the store bought ones as they have all the foods mashed together.

Also her day sleeps have not been going to well but once again I think that is due to her reflux.

My dreamboat Lachlan has been awesome as ever and is so tentative of Charlotte and always wants to make her happy, it's a beautiful thing to watch. He is an awesome big brother.

The weight loss motivation I needed.

Today I got a huge hit of motivation. I looked in the mirror when getting dress and saw a person I didn't recognise. Sadly this person was indeed me.

Once putting the rest of my clothes on I said to myself "enough is enough. Something needs to change." So once Lachlan was dropped off at childcare and Charlotte was down for her nap I took to my lap top, searched the Internet for different exercises and healthy meal plans and went about creating a shopping list and creating an exercise program.

With the exercise program I am starting off easy and increasing the exercise amount by 4 week blocks so that I can ease back into things, as I can say that I am so unfit it isn't funny.

With the meals I am going to focus on healthy eating. I looked into clean eating but I don't think it is for me as I really enjoy my food (probably too much). I will also be using my fitness pal to help me keep track of my weight and my calorie.s. I have already started using it and I absolutely love the barcode scanner as it means that I don't have to go looking for my foods.

Over all I would love to lose 20kg, but I think I and my body will know when I have lost enough weight, I really don't want to look weirdly out of proportion as I have huge boobs.

I really wish I had the help of a nutritionist and a personal trainer but I don't have that sort of finances to spare at this time. Maybe in the future I can look into it, but at this stage I am on my own.

Last night I wrote this huge blog and was about to press post when I couldn't do it.

I have always seen myself as a very open person, but I guess when it comes to certain subjects about myself I can't bring myself to let the words out.

As you know I have been seeing a psychologist since November and amazingly I have been able to make a patient doctor connection that I have not been able to make with any other psychologist I have seen before. But when it came to my appointment 2 days ago she cracked my shell and said something that has left me feeling rather anxious and vulnerable.

Thankfully I have an amazing support system in Lachlan's November Aunties (my November due in group).

Last night I was feeling particularly vulnerable and really needed to talk to someone. Although they don't know the whole situation about me, it doesn't matter. They were happy to listen and help in anyway they can.

I am still not feeling myself and I feel like there is a huge wait sitting on my chest and I know that I will probably need to call J (my psychologist) to actually talk these feelings through. I just know there is a huge winding path in front of me and it it is going to be a huge journey to get me to the person that I should be.