Dark and twisties...once again.

As you can imagine things around here has been really crappy and the weather has really gone with my mood, dark, cold and uninviting.

There is always two times in the year that I spiral into the dark and twisties, when Jensen left us and when I was raped.

I have come to accept things with what happened when I was raped, and I know accept is probably not the right word but I really can't think of one at this time. But when you compare the two horrible events I would take remembering my rape over and over again if it means that I could have my son back.

I became depressed after I had Lachlan, who was my first earth bound bub as I felt that Jensen might think that I was replacing him, but I over come that and knew that even though Jensen wasn't here being Lachlan's big brother in physical form he was doing it from heaven.

This time around with Charlotte as it is so close to his Angelversary and my hormones are still messed up, I once again feel like he might feel like I am forgetting about him and replacing him with another child.

I haven't talked to DH about how I feel this time around, I guess I know what he will say so I am try to work through it, but what I probably really need is a slap across the face to snap out of it.

Happy 4th Angelversary Jensen

Today is our baby Jensen's Angelversary and I have written him a little letter.

Sweet Jensen,

It has been 4 years since you grew your wings and became heaven bound and we miss you so much, and in those 4 years not a day has gone by where we have not missed you.

We love you so much and in that short time that I carried you and your Daddy and I held you in our arms we knew right there and then we were the luckiest parents in the world. 

I so wish you could have met your brother Lachlan. He is such a cheeky, happy and energetic boy who really keeps us on our toes. You would have had such a good time playing with him. I also wish you could have met your new baby sister Charlotte who was born 3 weeks ago, I know you would have been so helpful at this time. Both your Daddy and I know that you would have been a great big brother. 

My baby boy Jensen, I wouldn't trade the moments that I had with you for the world, and I am so glad you choose me to be your Mummy. 

I love you so much.

The 100 Day Challenge

I recently received an email from my good friend at Work Life Bliss and fellow Nov 2010 mum about how to finish the year off strong. She has recently registered to an on-line goal setting program called The 100 day challenge, the idea of this challenge is to pick five challenges (could be anything from weight loss to cleaning your house) and create an action plan which will make you accountable for the following 100 days (which will see you out to the end of the year). 

I personally couldn't love this idea more! I think it is a fantastic way to either complete something you started at the start of 2012 and haven't finished or start something that you have been meaning to do all year. As part of the 100 day challenge it asks you to start and end the day with a personal win, which I also think is a great idea as you will will be able to start the day with that perfect release of endorphins which gives you that nice happy high and also end in the exact same way so you will feel like you have achieved something. 

I have already sat down and created my list of 5 challenges to finish the year off (as I have noticed that there is a little less then 100 days to go). 

            To finishthe current unit that I am studying through OTEN, then ask for more units.

-      On the days that Lachlan has childcare and betweenfeeding and settling Charlotte I can study. I will also create a space so I canstudy while looking after both Lachlan and Charlotte on non-childcare days, asdifficult as this might be, anything is achievable if you put your mind too it

                 Begin exercising.

-      Once fully recovered from my C-section and have beengiven the go ahead by Dr Davis to exercise I will start walking, then graduallyimplement an easy to follow exercise programme that I can do early in themorning before Lachlan and Charlotte wake or I can do while they sleep duringthe day.

                 Healtheating.

-      Watching what I put on my plate and what I put into mymouth. I will gradually lesson my meal sizes and start implementing good eatinghabits.

                 Distress mylife.

-      Find easier ways to do things and stop taking the longway around. As I am a new mum of 2 I need to find easier ways I can achieve mydaily goals.

                 Fun ideas for the kids.

-     Finding new ways to entertain Lachlan on non-childcaredays while I tend to Charlotte and start to get into a bit of a routine withher. I will document the ideas I come up with so I don’t risk of repeatingthings 2 days in a row and so that I can return to that idea if it was successful.

I feel that all these challenges are achievable and if I don't achieve

them before the end of 2012 I will be able to at least start them and

turn them into new year resolutions :)

A bit of an update.

My little Charlie Bear is a bit over 2 weeks now and is doing beautifully. We have upped some of her bottles as we were finding that she was getting a bit more hungry at some stages of the day and it has helped her settle a little better at these times.

Charlotte is still not fitting into 0000 but her premmie clothes are getting a little tight so we will be moving up a size soon which I think is 00000.

We had my dad's 60th yesterday and everyone was wanting cuddles with her and kept telling us how beautiful and tiny she was, but she was defiantly winning everyone over. Lachlan was also a little charmer at the party. He was so happy and was having lots of little chats with everyone. He also went without a sleep and crashed on the couch later that night.

As for myself I will be heading to the doctors tomorrow I have had some bleeding from my incision as it has split at one end. Also I passed some retained products last night (it was really gross and has me a bit freaked out) and will have to talk to my GP about it.

Totally in love with my perfect little family

What can I say I am totally in love with my little family. Things have just been totally different this time around then it was when I had Lachlan.

Lachlan's birth was just so much more traumatic then Charlotte's. With Lachlan I had 17 hours of labour and got ready to push and he became distressed and we needed to get him out quickly so an emergency c-section was our only choice. But for Charlotte things were so totally controlled and from the get go I knew what was going to happen and throughout the whole process I was kept informed.

I think because of the different births and how Charlotte's went, things have been so relaxed and I have been able to cope better and I have no anxiety. Things are just totally perfect.

We weighted Charlotte today and she has put on 300g!! Her weight at discharge from hospital was 2.5kg and today she has come back to birth weight!! I am just so proud of her. We will have an early childhood nurse appointment in the coming days to get her checked out, but I am sure that she will still be perfect.

Lachlan is also still being a perfect big brother. He is always wanting cuddles and kisses with her, which is so beautiful. I was so worried that when we brought Charlotte home that he would be jealous, but he has been totally perfect with her. The only real problem we have had with him is his sleeping and we don't know if that is because Charlotte's in our room in the bassinet so he wants to spend more time with us, or because he has seen his old room change into her room so he feels a bit displaced. We are working with him to get his good sleeping habits back.

Things with DH and I are going really well and I think Charlotte has helped us with that. Those of you have followed my blog would know what happened with DH and I when Lachlan was born and this is a problem we have faced for well over 12 months. DH has made some improvements and has tried to make up for his mistakes and I have a feeling that he has used Charlotte's birth as a new beginning for himself. I am just hoping that this a sign of good things to come.

Life with 2 kids

Things have been positively perfect with my 2 little ones and I am loving my little family.

Charlotte has been feeding every 4 hours and has been sleeping peacefully between each feed. Although I think her body is try to pass the jaundice as she is doing a lot of poos, which has given her some bad nappy rash which has started to bleed, we are using sudo cream and will start using some pawpaw cream to help. I hate seeing her in pain.

Lachlan is still being the perfect big brother, helping us with feeds by holding the bottle and helping us with nappy changes by trying to make her laugh.

I have a feeling that he is slowly making his way to terrible twos, he has started acting out a lot, which I don't think is related to Charlotte's arrival as he has been so perfect towards her. With this acting out we have created a naughty corner, which thankfully we haven't had to use as he has responded to no well. Also when I was in hospital his sleeping became horrible and he has been refusing to go to sleep, but tonight we seem to have turned a corner and I am keeping everything crossed that he continues to improve.

We have had a couple of outings as a family since Charlotte and I came home from hospital and you really can tell how small she is as the car seat straps and her pram straps are the tightest they can possibly be. It really brings it home how tiny she is.

It will be my birthday on Sunday and I will be 26! We are just going to have a low key affair but it will be beautiful as I got my birthday present early, my beautiful baby girl.

SHES HERE!!!

I would love to announce the birth of our beautiful baby girl Charlotte Lorna Mackay!

She was born on the 5th September 2012 at 6.30pm via elective c-section. Charlotte was born weighting 2.7kg (6 pounds), she is 48.5 cm tall and her head circumference is 33cm and she is absolutely perfect. 

The birth was beautifully uneventful, although I was super scared of the spinal, but the doctors and nurses explained everything to DH and me and I was really calm about the whole process. 

When she was held up in front of us when she was born she had a beautiful head of dark hair (Lachlan was basically bald when he was born), and she was oh so tiny. when they place her on my chest I was so worried that I would break her as she was all skin and bones and nothing else. 

Although we are struggling with breastfeeding at the moment and will most likely move on to formula, which I don't have a problem with as Lachlan was formula fed, she latched on perfectly. 

The first night in only my sister came into see Charlotte as it was late when we got back to the maternity ward. It was really good that she came in by herself as Charlotte's middle name is my sisters name and we really wanted her to know before the rest of the world, and my sister was over the moon. 

The second day DH brought our son Lachlan to meet his baby sisters. At first he wasn't sure about what was going on, which is totally understandable, but he did give her a big kiss. 

We came home yesterday (10/09) and Lachlan has been absolutely perfect with her giving her kisses when ever he walks past her...I am so in love with this little family we have created. 

37 weeks, 7 days

Yesterday was my OB appointment and we talk more about my c-section and my admission date (please enter excitement). I also went for a routine blood test as well which went well and they got the vein straight away.

I also had a CTG today and that went ok, although she was really sleepy, but after a good talking to from Daddy she started moving.

I am really excited about the upcoming birth, even though I know I am not going into labour. It actually feelings a bit weird going into hospital to have bubba girl but not actually be in labour.

Also tonight my boobs have started leaking which is a really weird feeling for me as this has never happened to me before, even when I had Lachlan.