Selah - I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)

I found this on another blog that i have been reading and i thought that i would share it with the other mummies that i have Angel babies.

With Jensen's 2nd birthday slowly creeping up and with everything else that has been happening it has been hard.

Progress

Well there is progress.

Last night after i had packed mine and Lachlan's things and headed to my parents house DH arrived. We had a talk and a cry. I told him how i was feeling, how i have been feeling like i have been falling apart, that my whole world that i had know was crumbling around me. That i felt so betrayed and that my life didn't seem like my own. And that he was making me feel like the bad guy by saying that i would always use this against him.

DH told me how ashamed he was of himself and how he hated that he had made such a bad judgement call, and now everything he holds dear is slipping away from him.

I felt so sad for him when he told me this, but i knew that it would be easier to forgive then to forget about what he had done. I do love the man that he was, and i love him for how he is with Lachlan...i just don't know if i can move on with what he has done

Knight in Shinning whatever...

DH is still sleeping on the couch and i doubt that be will be coming back to our bed anytime soon. I informed him last night that we were going to a couple councilling and if he didnt want to do it he knew where the door was.

Again we had a chat about what had happend and asked him again why he was on the dating site. He said he saw it advertised on a website and decided to have a look. He told me that he joined it while i was still pregnant and had been just looking at the girls that were on the site but never been in touch with any of them until after Lachlan was born. He said that he had only ever met one of the girls and that was it.

I asked him why he decided that meet her. He said the he liked the idea of being wanted by another woman and how she talked to him.

I also asked him again what they did together and he still stated all they did was kiss. He asked me why i was wanting to know all this and why i wanted to torture myself with knowing all the details. I told him that is was because i don't trust nor believe what he was saying. i told him that i couldn't believe that he had done this to me after everything i had been through, agter everything we had been through. that i couldn't believe that after we had, had a beautiful son together that he would go out and find someone else.

Again I left him there and went up to bed upset. I really want to sort all this out, i really want things to go back to the way they were before he did this.

For those that don't know my husband was my knight in shinning armour when he met me 6 years ago. He pulled me out of a deep black hole that i was digging for myself. I was in a relationship where i was getting used and abused and i was doing all sorts of drugs to numb the pain that i had been going through since i was 14.

When i met him he was like a breath of fresh air. He was a kind warm hearted person that made me feel good about myself and showed me that i was beautiful inside and out.

When he pulled me out of that whole he brought me back to good health even though i knew i was still really damaged from my past.

I want that man back.

I want the man back that i married over 2 years ago. I want the man back that supported me after we lost our son Jensen. I want the man back that was there through the difficult birth of our son Lachlan. I want the man back that proposed to me after 4 weeks of knowing me. I want the man back that tells me that i am beautiful every morning.


But i guess knight in shinning whatever right.

The talk...

This is all hard to write and i don't really know where to start. We had a talk last night and i was so anxious to hear what he had to say as i kept thinking this is all over, our marriage everything we had, every memory of a happy family and my happy life is a lie.

A friend of mine Rolz gave me a great way of finding out information that i wanted to hear so that i didn't get so much detail (and i can ask about the detail once i am ready to hear it). She said that i could ask yes, no questions. Which i did and then it went from there.

I asked him if the woman that he met up with was from work? He said no. From there i asked were he had met her, as i needed to know. He said that he had met her off a dating site that he had been on for the past couple of weeks. Here i began to get emotional and started to cry. I asked him if he did anything with her? he said yes. When i heard this i felt sick to my stomach. Here i needed to know what he had done, i needed to know why he had an affair with another woman, why he felt the need to do this to me. He said that when they went back to her place but they didn't do anything more then kissing, he swore on Lachlan's life they didn't do anything more and that they didn't do anything the other times they met. I was too angry and upset to ask anymore other questions and told him that he could sleep on the couch tonight and then went up to bed.

I don't know if i can trust what he says i don't know if it is the truth.

Life isn't that sweet

If you haven't already read on BH, my husband has been seeing another woman.

I have no idea what i am meant to do or where i should go from here. I am anxious and really up set. I could go through the details of how i found out but i am going to go through that tomorrow after i have a talk to him tonight. I am going to ask him what and what he did with her, i think i really need to know.

You might have thought i had the perfect little life...but we aren't all perfect

Short Post

Just a short post to let everyone know that my 10 week old son Rolled over for the first time on Sunday!!!

Mummy and Daddy are so proud of him.

A Great Gift

Today Lachlan and i spent the day with my parents/his grandparents. While we were having one of our many conversations i mentioned that DH and i were looking for another rental property with more bedrooms (we are currently living in a 2 storey townhouse that has 2 bedrooms) as we are looking to have more kids in the future, when my mum said that her and my dad had been talking and that they really wanted DH and i to buy a house of our own and that they are willing to give us the deposit of $30,000 (without us needing to pay them back) so that we are able to do this.

I was so speechless, this would be a dream us owing our own home and having a place where Lachlan and future Mackay's could live. Also it would be great not to have to move every time we need a new bedroom for one of the kids.

I absolutely love my parents, and they have always been there when i have needed them and i love that they have given us this great gift.

DH and i have decided to stay in the townhouse that we are renting at the moment and we will start looking for a place as soon as i go back to work...i am so excited and can't wait to start looking!

Some TMI

2 days ago i got my second period after having Lachlan, the first one was pretty light and i was happy with that as i just got over 5 weeks of bleeding and was pretty pissed that i had got my period so soon. But this time around it has been heavey and there has also been clots of blood in it, with me passing a pretty big on yesterday morning.

The cramping started this morning and the fatigue has really hit me which is not helping with the anti depressants as one of the side effects from that is tiredness.

A heart breaking moment

Miscarriage.

A lot of women in real life and through the Internet have been through this. This is something you wouldn't wish upon your worst enemy. Even in the small group of friends i have in SWB 4 out of 6 of us have had a least 1 miscarriage, and now one of our friends that have left this group is going through this hell.

Summa has had a 16 month journey to get her little bubble, a year TTC and then IVF. This pain she is going through is just to familiar and my heart goes out to her and her husband.

Dr Goodhew appointment

Lachlan had an appointment with his Doctor today and he got weighted and measured. He is above average weight and height, but he is proportioned and the doctor was really happy with him and he is doing well.

I finally caught Lachlan's beautiful smile on camera which is awesome and have put it on Facebook.

There isn't really much more to report, but i am glad that all my friends and family are safe and dry in Queensland.

Cynbalta

I went to my GP on Saturday i am have been put on Cymbalta an anti depressant. He doesn't seem to think that i have Post Natal Depression, but he seems to think having Lachlan has brought up some old emotions from over the previous years.

I have already started to notice some of the side effects, but i have read some reviews and they seem to pass after several weeks. I have been on previous anti depressants but they haven't work and if they have worked i would need to be on a really high dose, i am hoping that these will work. I was offered counselling but again that hasn't really worked but i will see how things go and if i need it i will do it.

On another note Lachlan is absolutely beautiful and a dream boat. He did an 8 hour sleep last night and then a 4 hour sleep after his feed, and he is being a good boy and having a sleep now in his bouncer, and he looks so cute that i don't want to move him at the moment.

One Step at a time

Yesterday was a better day. I went shopping with my sister and Lachalan and i got away from the house and the fresh air, which i think really helped. I finally got my mind off what has been constantly replaying in my head.

But now i am back at home with just Lachlan and me. Now before you start thinking about it there is no way i would harm my son, i have had no thoughts of harming him and there is no way i could do that, i love him to much, he is my world. All the thoughts i have had have been about me and i have been through all this before so i have things in place to help me over come these feelings, they just seen to take time this time around, and i now know i have to go and see someone. I have seen someone before and talking about my feelings to some complete stranger feels stupid to me and they give you some crap advice about things they have never felt before, and there is no support groups in my area for what i have been through so that idea is out.

I will keep you all update on my progress, i now just need to find the time to go to the Doctors and sort this out.

Lachlan's Birth starting to sink in

As the title suggests i think Lachlan's birth is starting to sink in. I thought i was fine with what went on but for some reason when i think about what happened i start to get a bit anxious. Every time i think of the sound the monitor that was monitoring Lachlan's heart beat as it dropped so low that it started to alarm, or when i think about how they rolled me on my side after the epidural kicked in, i was in so much pain as Lachlan became so distressed It makes me so anxious. There is also other things that make me anxious as well like when i was in the operating theatre as i was losing so much blood and feeling that i would drop Lachlan when he was on my chest as i felt i was going in and out of consciousness, also when Michael and Lachlan left my side when i pasted out from the blood loss.

I also hated the loss of control that felt when i had the c-section, or the guilt i felt when i could no longer breast feed Lachlan, i felt that i was not giving him the best start to the world. All these feelings i am having are not helping with my anxity.

I know i am probably just being silly and over thinking things when i shouldn't be. I will just have to try and put them aside and try and over come them.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

Well my new years eve was spent feeding Lachlan and going to bed at about 10pm. I was so tired that i couldn't stay awake to watch the fire works at Thirroul (where i live) or watch the ones on TV.

I brought in the New Year by going for walk with my wonderful husband and my beautiful baby boy. It was a nice hot sunny day here so it was a great way to start the year.

Also I have started my health kick to now so i can't wait to watch those kilos fall off me!!

I also have some great news. While i was feeding Lachlan last night my husband was standing in the hall way watching me and out of no where he said that he wanted to have another baby. That was music to my ears! As he wanted to wait awhile before talking about having another one, but he said that he would like to wait for about midway through 2012 before we started to try for another one. And that is fine by me as that is when i would have liked to start to try for another one!