And so it begins

When we had the oops I told myself that I wouldn't get excited and that I wouldn't over think things, especially symptoms, but of course when you have previously tried to conceive it is hard to switch your mind off this sort of thing. Also when you have PCOS and you have a slip up like this especially around the time you ovulate you always hope for that special miracle, that you might naturally conceive. 

I know that when I became pregnant with Lachlan I did it all on my own, and that was truly amazing as it was possible that I could have had PCOS then as well, as it took me 6 months and 1 miscarriage to conceive Lachlan. Then we have Charlotte who was conceived with the help of fertility drugs, and I thank God everyday that there was something out there to help me get my precious baby girl (even though I get frustrated with her reflux), and Dr D was perfect with both through both pregnancies even with all the complications we had with the last pregnancy. 

I just keep thinking that if we manage to conceive a baby on one try and without the help of fertility drugs and months and months of trying, lets just say that it would be so amazing. 

Oh I have to stop over thinking all this and thinking that there is a possibility that something might be happening and that there might be a baby. 

Either way if nothing happens and AF shows up I still have 2 beautiful children and I love to bits, and M and I can always talk about having another baby in the future. 

Oops

Well to start things off, last night I had an awesome time. I went to a hens party where I didn't have to worry about kids or all the other stuff that comes with it. So I got my drink and danced the night away, I felt so free and young, it also helped that I got hit on multiple times by this group of guys, it felt great that I could still pull them even though I have a ring on my finger.

Well any way here comes the oops. After the night was done I headed home, full of cocktails and energy and well there was a man in my bed and well I had an itch to scratch and well he scratched it...but there was no protection involved.

Now there is no problem if the outcome of this oops ends up in pregnancy...well it would be a bloody miracle as I needed fertility drugs to get my beautiful Charlotte.

There will be a freak out though as it could be a touch too soon as Charlotte has reflux and it is killing us, but secretly I am hoping we get a little miracle.

Recovering

Well like bloody usual when it comes to people in my house getting sick, I always end up being the one that ends up the sickest. 

This time around it started last Monday (15/04/13). I ended up with conjunctivitis...a really horrible case of it in my left eye and my right eye only had a little bit in it. So off I go to the doctors and as I cant get into see my regular doctor I just go and see whoever...bad idea. I seem to get the new age type doctor and he gives me a who bunch of statistics why I shouldn't get this medication, and just to get out there I agree with him. 

Now it is Tuesday and I am starting not to feel too good and I by Tuesday night I start getting a fever. Wednesday I am flat on my back can barely move and fever is still hanging around and Panadol doesn't seem to be helping at all. I have also now started to vomit.

Thursday I get into see my regular doctor who gives me a scrip for eye drops and some tablets for my nausea he also gave me a warning after taking my blood pressure that if I felt any worse that I will need to go to the hospital as things weren't looking good. 

By midnight I felt like absolute crap! So I got on the phone and called M to come and take me to the hospital and called my sister L to come look after the kids.  When I go there they pumped me full of fluids and gave me a stat dose of antibiotics for a infection I had in my bladder (which I didn't know I had). 

After spending the night in hospital for the night I started to feel a lot better and they sent me home where I have been recovering since Friday. I am not totally feeling 100% but I am getting there. 

A bit if this and that

So since my last post not much has been happening. J has gone away so I don't have an appointment with her for a couple of weeks. So I am going to try and make some self improvement on my own until I see her again. I will keep you all updated on how things go.

Last Friday I got some pics done of the kids and I received some sneak peek pictures of them and all I can say us I love them!!

I have been all about keeping this blog anonymous because it has been great letting my deep dark secrets out without having to care who hears, but I really want to share these pics as they are just perfect. Some times it sucks being anonymous.

This week we have an appointment for Charlie with Dr G and I have been writing down some stuff to talk to him about. I am just wanting something more done for her. I am sick of seeing her in pain.

Lowest of lows

As you know I have been seeing J (my shrink), and as you also know we have been hitting the tough subjects, and I think we have hit one subject that has really hit me. 

When I was at my lowest of lows and I was using my body as more of an amusement park then a temple, I fell pregnant. 

I was 17 and I was sleeping around so much at the time, I had no idea who the father was and I was taking so many pills that I didn't even know what day it was, but on the other hand I was taking those pills to escape from what happened to me and to escape from who I was becoming. 

I knew that I wasn't going to be the perfect mother to this child. I knew the moment this baby came Earthbound (if it even made it that far) it was going to be addicted to so much crap it wouldn't survive. I knew then and there I had a decision to make.

At that moment in my life I had only one person that care about me and he was involved with the group I was sleeping around with (although I had never slept with him), and he knew something was up with me so I told him. He was very caring (when he shouldn't have been) and he told me that we would work this out together. I had never had a man care about me in this way before, I was used to men hitting on me for sex, or using me, or in other cases hurting me, but this man was gentle and caring...it was so weird to me.

The choice I made was so hard for me as I respected life, I believe that everything, no matter how small has a right to life. But bring this baby into the world, would have no life. If it made it into the world it would probably have so many medical problems, from it's mother's stupidity, and I was in no right mind to look after a child. 

This baby, even though it was never born changed my life forever. It was the reason I became clean and left that horrible life that I was living behind. It changed my life for the better, and I am hoping that I am honoring that child's life for becoming the person that I should have been when I became pregnant with them.

Extremely early morning ramblings

It's 3.36am here in NSW, Australia and I have been up since 1.53am. I didn't go to bed early last night as I was trying to finish off a question of my assignment that I started 2 weeks ago, but recently have been neglecting due to other things.

But instead of sleeping I am sitting up in bed hearing Charlotte cry in the next room. I have been in to check on her a couple of hundred times as I know that if I don't she becomes inconsolable and that just brings a whole list of other problems, that I just can't deal with right now.

But right now I just sit here.

I sit here because I have already had a full day of her constant crying, whinging and screaming. I sit here because I have already lost my cool and gone in and told her to shut up. I sit her because if I don't calm down I know it will just make matters worse then they already are.

I just sit here and listen.

I know some might say I am a horrible mother for telling my child to shut up, but unless you have been in my shoes, unless your a reflux mum, you have no idea.

~gone to check on her~

Once again I am not happy with my behavior. I picked her up but she continued to cry.

Once again I tell her to shut up, this time adding that her incessant crying is probably going to wake up her brother, that he constant 'all about me' attitude is keeping me awake, but really what does she understand.

She has been in this pain all her life, she has known nothing else.

~gone to check on her~

Anger level increasing as well as frustration.

Why are we not wired to cope with something like this?

They give this to babies who have no voice to communicate with, that have no understanding of what they are going through. But us, the parents some how need to console this poor screaming and crying child 24 hours a day without know how to do it.

They say the best thing is to have support around you, and I do have family around me but they can't help. I have a sister that works 2 jobs, a brother that does full time uni and 60 year old parents with a mother that has her own medical problems. So they can't help.

~gone to check on her, once again~

It has now gone over 2 hours. I hate this. I am not made to do this, it wasn't written in mummy code to deal with a reflux baby.

~now sitting up rocking her~

We need a new plan of attack, obviously things are not working as they are getting worse. With me doing all this by myself and not being able to turn to someone help is becoming too much.

Sick

The whole family has been out sick with this stupid bug that Lachlan brought home from childcare, and we all know that sharing is caring...(please enter sarcasm). Lucky Charlotte didn't get it, that kid must have a great immune system, M is currently not complaining (which is a good thing) so I think he is pretty much over it, Lachlan is still has a pretty yucky cough and I still feel like I am dying but, like all mums we must carry on.

So this basically put my whole exercise program back until I feel better *sigh* but I will have have to start it back up when I feel better. 

Actually the only exercise I actually did was 50 squats. A few of us in the November group are doing 30 days of squats, which I think is a great idea as I don't want to let the girls down and it gets me involved.