So it has been a while...

Not much has been happening here with my little family. That little oops that M and I had didn't eventuate into anything, and like usually I got my hopes up (even though I said I wasn't going to) and then came crashing down when the test came back as a negative and AF arrived. 

As it is like pulling teeth with M I have managed to get him to agree to start talking about TTCing when Charlotte turns 1. So I have until September 5th to some how convince him that having 3 children will be better then 2.  

It is kind of funny, when we first started talking about TTC we both said that we would love to have 4 kids, but now that we have children things have changed. M thinks that 2 kids is enough, and that some how my body won't be able to carry anymore due to my last pregnancy, and me well I think having an army is a great idea (although I will probably at most only be able to have 4 as M will put a stop to it.)

Even if we start talking about TTC I don't want to start until next year some time. I am currently sorting out my own life. I am still seeing J once every 2 weeks and well things have been going well in that area (which I am really surprised to say). I have managed to open up to here which I haven't been able to do with anyone bar M, and I feel like I need to have a really good plan set in place before diving into the world of TTCing again. 

The times where I have TTC I have become obsessed (which I think most of us do) and I don't really want to do that again, I want the whole process to be stress free and comfortable. The other reason I want a plan in place is because my pregnancy with Charlotte was so stressful and it really took it out of me, it would be great to have some methods to keep my anxiety under control, just in case it happens again. 

And lastly the aftermath. It always seems to happen (as it has happened in all my pregnancies) I wind up in a big whole of depression after I have my babies. This next pregnancy I want to be prepared for it and able to tackle it if it rears its big ugly head. I don't want to miss all the beautiful moments with my child because I have depression. 

So starting at my next session with J I am going to ask her help to prepare for this next journey, so that I can show M that I am in a happy place. 

Another thing I want to do before we TTC again is to lose weight, which in turn will improve my fertility. As you already know I have PCOS, and one of the problems with PCOS is weight gain, and the inability to lose weight easierly. I was lucky with my pregnancy with Charlotte that I actually only put on 3kg (which I actually lost when she was born, plus a few extras) and I have also managed to lose another 5kg since then. 

Ideally I would like to lose another 15kg or even 10kg (I will take anything) and I have some ideas about how I can start the weight loss. The only think that might get in my way is work. 

Yes work. I will be heading back there on the 18th June (insert sad face here). At first I was looking forward to getting back there, but now not so much. Charlotte and I have really only started to get to know each other as her first 6 months were horrible due to the reflux, I know I am going to be sad when I head back to work, but hopefully the separation gives her some more Independence. 

Oh and the toilet training has been going great and we have had hardly no accidents (we have one or two every now and then). Lachlan has done so well and both M and I are so proud of him. 

10 years

10 years ago to this day I made a decision to change my life, but it started with one painful moment. 

I was 16 and you were growing inside me, you were part of me. I wasn't ready to look after you, I couldn't even look after myself, I was a complete and utter mess. 

Choosing to say goodbye to you was incredibly hard and I thought I wouldn't be able to do it, but I moment I did I made a promise to you, a promise I have kept. 

I promised you that I would change my life, that I would ditch my drug dealing boyfriend and drugged up friends, that I would get clean and that I would make something of myself and my life. So far I hope I have lived up to that promise and that you are proud of me. 

Everyday I thank you for coming into my life and showing me the strength to find my way out of the big black hole that I had created for myself. I hope I continue to prove to you that I can do this, that I can be a better person. 

Happy Mother's Day...and the rest.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there, the ones that can hold their babies in their arms and to the mothers that hold their beautiful angel babies in their hearts. 

Today we took a trip out to see Jensen to spend some special Mother's Day moments with him. It was nice to have the whole family together. I feel so bad that I haven't made a lot of time to go and see him, I must do that. 

I got a beautiful made card from Lachlan that he made a childcare and I just love it. I can't believe has been in childcare for almost a year now, time is just going by so quickly. 

I also got some beautifully framed pictures of my gorgeous children amongst some other things. 

Also Lachlan's toilet training is going so great and is going to the toilet like a champ. I am so proud of him. 

Charlotte has also been sick and has laryngitis :( the doctor said that she would get better and she hasn't as of yet so I will give it until Tuesday (I am going to the doctors then). 

Toilet Training continued....

So yesterday was such a better day. Lachlan surprised both of us so much with his toilet training efforts.

Frost thing in the morning we put his undies on and we waited, and waited, and waited 5 hours post undies put on! I was amazed he could hold it so long as we were pushing the liquids like they were going out of style. But it was worth the wait, he did a nice big wee in the toilet. I was so proud that he did it, and it seemed like from there something clicked. He started telling us he wanted to do wees and he raced off to the toilet with us.

The only thing we have tackle now is poos. He seems to be holding on to them, but I am sure he will get the idea once he realises that he needs to do it.

Toilet Training

Yesterday we started toilet training Lachlan. I read the 3 day method that I got from a friend and I am taking some of the tips from it, as Lachlan is starting to look like it will take him a little longer.

Yesterday we had 5 wees on the floor and 0 in the toilet. To tell you the truth I felt like the whole thing failed and I also felt frustrated, and may have let some of the frustration out.

But today is a new day!

He has let me know he needed to wee twice, but nothing came of it. But I am not going to get frustrated, we are going to make this work.

Watch this space!

Ramblings

I have so much crap going around in my head at the moment and it is making it very hard to sleep.

I have an appointment with J tomorrow and like usual I have come to the stage where I close off. I don't mean to do as I know I need help, but my mind some how builds back up that wall and allows no one to enter. I have done this with pervious psychologists (although it usually happens sooner then this) and then I usually don't go back and see them, but J is different. I seem to connect really well with her and I the past I have looked forward to our appointments, but I think it is getting to the part where I really need to open up about what happened and I just can't find the strength to do it. I know she has said we don't have to go through it, but I feel that it would beneficial for me as I feel I need to get it out there.

I don't know, I guess when I am ready I will be ready, but I don't want to have to wait another 12 years to tell someone what happened.

I am sorry I am rambling, but I can't sleep and everyone else is asleep so this is my only outlet.