3 years on

It has been 3 years on since we lost Jensen, and it is still not getting any easier.

The weather on the 25th was really crap. It was pouring rain here were we live and I didn't want to take Lachlan out in it to see his brother. Thankfully my parents offered to take him for us so that DH and I could go visit Jensen.

Like every year we brought Jensen his birthday present and stayed with him as long as we could to talk to him. I didn't want to leave when DH told me that it was time to go, it felt like I was leaving him behind once again. I also had the feeling that Jensen was thinking that I was forgetting him, but I told him that I would never forget him, that myself and his Daddy will always love him and he would forever be in our hearts.

My parents cooked us both dinner and offered to take Lachlan for the night so that DH and I could have a moment together. It was a nice suggestion but I couldn't bare to not hold Lachlan in my arms that night, and it took a while for me to put him in his cot once he was asleep.

I am sure that when the years go on the pain will lessen, but when it will happen I won't know.

But I can't help thinking, with losing Jensen, then miscarrying, having Lachlan and miscarrying again this year our family would be complete. I don't know what I have deserved to lose 3 babies (although I know I am truly blessed to have Lachlan who is my world). I hope one day that DH and I can complete our family.

Things that have been happening

Well as Telstra have been dickheads and have been screwing around with our internet for the last few days I haven been able to use my laptop to come on and post.

There also has been a few other problems that have been happening with my family. My mum has been in hospital she got taken into hospital by ambulance in the 11th September and that night she was transferred to ICU where she stayed for a few days. She was unable to breath properly. My mum has always been sick and on a good day she is only able to use half her lungs, but she got an infection in her lungs which caused her to be unable to breath.
It was a scary moment for my family, my dad seemed so numb and seemed like he was trying to hold himself together for the sakes of us kids, my brother and younger sister seemed to be so angry with what was happening. I had to ring my older sister who lives in Victoria and tell her what was happening with our mum and she got so emotional she had to hang up and call me back as she needed to digest what was happening...and there was me. I was trying to hold the family together and do what was best by mum. I made sure that I made contact with the doctors and got them to contact me when ever they saw my mum and I wasn't there so I could keep informed and keep my family informed. She is still in hospital but is out of ICU, although they are keeping a ICU bed on hold for her just in case as she is not out of the woods just yet.

Lachlan, DH and I have also been struck down with the flu. We have had fevers, vomiting, coughing and snotty for the last few weeks, DH and Lachlan seem to be better now which is really good as there is nothing worse the having a sick child and a husband with the man flu, I on the other hand have a cough that doesn't want to go away it has been here for 3 weeks and has made camp and isn't wanting to leave...my chest is so sore from coughing.

on the TTC front I was meant to gave AF 2 weeks ago but I just keep getting Negatives (damn PCOS). I have had some cramping and I had a little spitting just over 2 weeks ago but nothing else and with been sick I could even tell you if I have had some pregnancy symptoms. Due to the PCOS I am going to leave things for a couple of days and the I will go into my GP and get a blood test and see if there is anything else he can do for me.

also in the 16th September I turned 25, I can't say it was a good birthday as I and the rest of my little family was sick and my mum was still in ICU. DH and I are planning on celebrating at a later date, one my mum is better.

I have also been booked in for my iron infusion on the 21st of October which will be great. I have been so tired and it will be just the pick me up I need!

Now what's happening, also news from a friend

It doesn't really matter how many times you TTC it will always do your head in. At the moment I am having some cramping and today (TMI coming) when I went to the toilet I wiped and had a speck on blood on the toilet paper, now this could mean that AF is on its way and DH and I will move onto another cycle, but it could also mean that I might be pregnant as I did have some spotting when I found out I was pregnant with Lachlan.

Ahhh it is too confusing, I might have to put my TTC hat back on, or read over my post when I was TTC with Lachlan.

Also earlier in the week my Friend A told me that she was 3 weeks pregnant. At first she didn't know if she was going to keep the baby as at the moment she is only working casually and they are living with D's Dad, they also have a bit of debt so they are not in the best financially status.

I have been having some lengthy chats and I can tell she sound scared and unsure of what to do, but she has decided to keep the baby and that they will need to work something out. I am seeing her tomorrow so hopefully we will have another good chat and I will be able to see where she is now.

Also I am still sick. I have had the flu since Wednesday 31/08/2011 and it is not budging, it is mostly just a cough that is not shifting. Fingers crossed that it is gone by my birthday next week, yes next week I will be turning 25!

Good thing I didn't get excited.

So I have been sick since Wednesday with temps in the high 38s so I didn't get the chance to test on Thursday and Friday, but I did test today and the verdict is in...





....I'm not pregnant...BFN.





There was no tears, no why not me, I know I have a beautiful boy who I love very much and this just means that DH and I get to keep on trying for our next bub.