Motivation, where art thou

I have been really struggling to find motivation for anything at the moment. Since seeing J a week or two ago and both of us deciding that it would be a good idea I came of my antidepressants (due to side effects that I have been having), I have become very flat. 

My sleeping has become very broken once again with at best getting 4 - 5 hours at night, it did seem to disappear for a little while, while I was on the medication, but returned rather quickly once I came off. J would really like me to try some more natural methods to help with my sleeping and mental health issues, as my body doesn't seem to react well with antidepressants. 

I didn't really think of trying more natural methods when this all started as I just wanted a quick fix, but I am more interested now as I have been living with this for a long time. J has a neuropath and masseuse starting at her practice in the next coming months and I am thinking I might take her up on her offer to try alternative methods. 

I guess I am willing to try anything as I am sick of not having any motivation. I really want to exercise as I am sick of my weight, I am sick of weighting 80kg when I used to be between 65-70kg on a good day. I am sick of not having any motivation to study, so I can begin my dream job. 

Ok I think I might have found a tiny bit of motivation to have a look into alternative methods for treating depression...I guess only time will tell if it is possible. 

It's my birthday!

Happy 27th birthday to me!!

Every time my birthday comes around I usually have a quite moment where I sit back and reexamine my life. 

Although things haven't always come easy to me (lost teenage years, pregnancies, etc) I haven't done too badly. Although I do see some areas I can work on. 

M and I don't own out own home, we are currently renting, so at least we have a roof over our head, and we are saving our deposit which is currently at $20 000. 

I am still battling with my demons, although I am trying to defeat them with the help of J my psychologist and the support of M. 

I am still overweight, but I am slowly decreasing the numbers on the scale. I am down 4.8kg and almost at my first goal of 5kg. 

Study, need I say more. I have been neglecting it of late and really need to pick up my game. 

But of all those things I have mentioned they do no worry me as I have strategies in place for all of them. I am going to try and make this next year as stress free as possible (even with trying to conceive). 

Miss Charlotte turns 1!

It is official my little Charlie is 1.

On the 5th September at 6.30pm she officially turned 1 years old. I really can't believe how quickly the last 12 months have gone, I swear it was only yesterday I was bringing this tiny little baby home. 

On her actual birthday we went and saw Dr Goodhew (it was a scheduled appointment and I didn't see the point in cancelling it because it was her birthday). Like usual he was lovely and wished Charlotte a big happy birthday, he also checked her weight, height and head circumference. For head circumference and height she is perfectly average, with her height being 74cm and her Head circumference being 45cm, but he showed some concern with her weight. 

Since last see him in July she has only put on 200g, so that is just 100g a month. She is currently only weighting 8.5kg, which sees her in the 10th percentile. He really would like to see gain more weight and get up to the 5th percentile by the next time we see him in December, but I really don't see that happening. I am currently feeding her whenever she is hungry and I am really not going to force feed her, as the will end up causing more problems.

We also talked about her reflux at this appointment and he has asked us to trial stopping her medication again in 2 months time. I think that he is hoping that at this next trial stop we will be able to take her off the medication, but I really have my doubts. I just have a feeling that this reflux will be around for a bit longer. 

At her birthday party (Saturday 7th September) everyone mentioned about how tough these last 12 months have been for Charlotte. As well as them being tough, they have been totally exhausting, not just for her, but for myself and M.

Both M and I are really hoping that these next 12 months will be better for Charlotte, and we get to see more of that cheeky personality that sometimes shows through. 

Actually we were lucky enough to see that cheeky personality shine though on Saturday. Her, along with her brother entertained everyone and she showed her beautiful smile to everyone (that still only includes 3 teeth) when she opened up all her awesome gifts from everyone. 

She was very spoilt with all the beautiful clothing she go, as well as a Disney Princess Castle, DVDs and both her and Lachlan got an in car DVD system and swimming lessons. 

I can also say that I am not a bad baker as well, as I managed to pull off a dairy and soy free Hello Kitty Birthday cake! Everyone told me how great it tasted and how beautiful the cake was, I was so damn impressed that it actually looked like Hello Kitty. 

This gives me great practice as I am going to be baking one for Lachlan too, and his is going to be Ben 10. 

So after all the birthday fun, everyone was totally exhausted and Charlotte and Lachlan were both in bed early and I fell asleep on the couch at about 6.30pm (mind you it was just a power nap). 

I am so immensely proud of my gorgeous daughter. Through every thing that she has been through this year, she has managed to do it but still continue to find the strength from within to smile. 

I am so proud to be her mother and to call her my daughter.

Sorry it has been so long

What to say....

Since having my turning point (see last post) I have gone onto antidepressants due to still not sleeping. I have now been now taking them for a week, and I am not too concerned they haven't started working as of yet, and people will know if they have been on antidepressants before, it can take 2-4 weeks for them to start working. 

My GP wanted me to start on 1/2 a tablet to begin with and then increase to a full tablet, which I kind off like as they can really knock you around if you start them and quickly up the dose. I am booked in to go and see him in another week to check the dosage and probably up them again.

I was really concerned about starting antidepressants again as I thought we were going to just try seeing the psychologist for now as the last antidepressants I was on affected my liver a bit and started to make me feel really sick, but both my GP and psychologist agreed that it was best for me as I was not sleeping. 

My sleep has been a big issue for me. It started back in July when I had my dark month, and since then I have been getting at best 4 hours a night. It also hasn't been helped by Charlotte getting sick. 

Speaking of Charlotte getting sick, she started projectile vomiting again last Friday, but both M and I have started to notice a pattern. Charlotte's reflux gets extreamly irritated (if that is the word) when she is teething. The time when she got dehydration and was projectile vomiting we took her to Hospital and at that time she was getting 3 teeth in. At that time we were told she had some sort of infection, but some how I believe that the doctors might have told us that as they weren't sure what was going on, but this time she had teething pain once again and she was doing the same type of thing.

My poor baby girl has not had a good 12 months...that's right Charlotte will be turning 1 in 2 days!!! It has gone so quickly. I really wish I could stop my babies from growing up.