So far so good.

Well I am laying bed after feeding Lachlan and realising how easy it has been to slip back into my old life here at home. DH has been really good, and you can see how hard he is working at making things right.

I think also Lachlan is liking having his dad around again as he hasn't stopped smiling. Also he has settled back in really well, I am thinking he is liking being back in his cot again, as he was sleeping in a portacot at mum and dads.

A few things gave changed since I left. DH has a new position at Australia Post, which requires him to start work at 4.30am! But it also means he gets paid a lot more, which means that I don't have to go back to full time work. The other thing is that he bought himself a motorbike.

Also I seem to be breaking things. The microwav broke and also the computer tower broke.

Going back home

Well I am moving back home. Things have been moving along well at a distance and i guess it is a good time to see if being together works as well.

I can see DH missing Lachlan when he comes around every afternoon to spend some time together, and i guess i can see how much he is missing me as well. I guess you can say i miss him as well. I know what he did was horrible and i know no one should be forgiven for having an affair, and i am not saying that i am forgiving him for what he has done, and i am not moving back home as a reward for him. I am moving back home so that Lachlan can have a father, and so that my son's parents can work on their problems together so that we can be all a family together.

If things don't work out and i end up moving out again, i am thinking that things can't be fixed and that we might have to move on without each other. But i won't think about that until it gets to that stage.

At the moment i am looking forward and looking towards getting my family back to the strength that it was.

Crappy Day

I have had a pretty emotional last couple of days, it all started last night, I cried myself a sleep. I think I am missing the physical contact that I once had with my husband, mostly I just want to cuddle up to him on the couch qnd pretend that nothing happened and that it was just a bad dream. Also I think with everything going so well I just want him to hug me and for me to go home with him, but I think I am too afraid to do it, I think if I go back home it is like me saying that everything he did to me was ok.

I don't want to keep second guessing, I really wish that there was someone to tell me what to do.

And for the second of the two emotional days it was the same sort of thing...DH. once again he asked me to come home, and there was nothing more that I wanted then to run into his arms and say yes. When I got home after seeing him I gave Lachlan to his grandparents and went to our room and cried. I was so distraught. I even had a panic attack, and I haven't had one in over a year. It tool me for ever to calm down as I usually have DH with me to help control my breathing. It just gives me another reason why I need him.

And So It Begins

When i went to my phsycologist appointment on Monday one thing he asked me to do was to think of things i could do for me. He told me that what i was doing with trying to make everyone else around me happy was causing me to forget about myself and not look out for number one. So he told me to go away and come back next week with a list of things i want to do to make myself happy. So i have.

1. I want to do my Certificate VI in Community Service Work

2. I am going to take at least an hour out of my day to have a moment to myself.

3. I am going to lose some weight.

So Number 1 is almost sorted. My Mum and Dad said that they will pay for the course so i can get started as soon as possible..Love you Mum and Dad.

Haven't started number 2 yet but i want to as soon as i can.

And well number 3. Well one of the SWB has set up a Biggest Loser type thing. I am a bit nervous about telling them my weight...but hey they love me no matter what.

I think i have found out why Lachlan hasnt been a good little boy for his mummy, I think he is missing DH, and i hate that i have taken him away from his daddy. Well things have been good, maybe i should consider moving back home. I will have to have a good think about that.

Update

Ok i didn't really have a title for this post. So i will just tell you wants going on.

Went and saw my haematologist yesterday and it looks like my iron levels haven't been going up since my c-section. Apparently due to all the blood loss my iron levels have slowly been going up but they seemed to have stopped, and my specialist would like them higher as they are still low. What he would really like to give me is a transfusion but i have told him that i don't really want one if i don't really need it. So we compromised. I need to get weekly blood tests to check my levels and i need to keep taking my iron tablets, and if my levels don't go up i will need to get the transfusion. This probably explains why my last period was so weird and extremely heavy.

Ok and here is the other thing...and it is really weird...and i don't know how to explain it. Ok here it goes on the 10th Feb i had some spotting. Now it was only a couple of drops it looked like on my undies. So i put on a pad thinking that i was getting my period as i know how unpredictable your period can been after you have a baby. But the pad was a waste of time as nothing came from it. It has been now 7 days and still no period. I am not sure what to make of this. My first thought went to when we were TTC and i thought implantation bleed, but that couldn't be possible as DH and i haven't been living together for almost 3 weeks and when we did have sex he pulled out. (i know what you are going to say and say it is precum but i doubt it). So i am going to wait, if we were going by my normal cycle my period will come next week and if it doesn't for my own sanity i will pee on a stick...even though i know nothing will come of it.

The last few days

Well I haven't blogged the last few days as I have had so much going on. As you know Saturday would have been Jensen's 2nd birthday and DH and I decided to put everything that had been going on to go and see him together, we spent most of the day there with Lachlan while both of our families came and visited him. On Sunday we had Lachlan's christening, it was a beautiful day and both our families came, it was a nice way to end the weekend. Over the weekend it felt like we were a family again.

I also had my first appointment with my psychologist. It felt good to get everything and it felt like a big weight off my shoulders.

I feel really distracted so this is probably been a crappy post...so sorry if I have bored you

One of the hardest days is coming

Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. Tomorrow if my angel baby Jensen went full term he would have been turning 2 years old.

With DH and myself not being together this time around it will be even harder and i will be drawing a lot of strength from Lachlan. It will be hard telling Jensen why his daddy isn't there with us, but i know that DH will be going to see him tomorrow.

Talking about this i can feel my heart being ripped from my chest, and it is hard to swallow as i am chocking back the tears.

I wrote this for Jensen

To my angel Jesen that i carried
But never seen your eyes
Or tell you how much i Loved you
or ever to hear your cries

You will never be forgotten
The excitement we had for your coming
when we realised we would never hold you
the feeling we had was numbing.
My angel Jesen is who you are
My angel Jesen you'll always be
Your Loving memory will live in our hearts
So you will always be right here with us.

Jensen Finn Mackay
25/09/2008 (EDD 12/02/2009)

Mummy will always love you and misses you every day.

Bonds Baby Search 2011

Hey everyone I would love if you could all vote for my son in the bonds baby search 2011.

http://babysearch.bonds.com.au/entry/8520/lachlan-m

2nd Session

Well before we had our second session yesterday DH asked if we could meet up so that we could have a talk. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said yes, although i picked a place near our counsellors office where it was public as i thought if it was something bad i would keep my cool in public.

I got to the cafe early so that i could choose a table that i felt comfortable with and waited for DH to come. He got there on time and at first he didn't say much, he was just being polite and we ordered a coffee. Once the coffee was ordered and we had our first sip he started to talk. At first he told me that he had been offered a promotion, it meant that he would start earlier and be getting paid a lot more. I told him that I was really happy for him, as i know how much he wanted this promotion. He told me that with this promotion i didn't have to go back to work full time, that i could stay part time and spend more time with our son. This made me feel excited as i really didn't want to go back to full time.

That was really the only thing he needed to tell me as from there he went of to tell me how sorry he was again, but i needed to stop him there. I told him that i didn't want to continue on with this, that if he wanted to say all this he could do it in our session.

He stopped and we continued in silence until we got to our session.

This time around i could take part as there was no more surprises....that i knew of. We were asked what we wanted out of this session. DH said that he wanted my forgiveness, that he wanted Lachlan and i to come home and he wanted me to be able to trust him again. Then it came to my turn. I wasn't sure what i wanted. I told them that i wasn't ready to come home yet, that him wanting my forgiveness and my trust was going to take time...a lot of time and that he would need to give me this time or he will push me away...and maybe for good.

I told them that things were hard for me at the moment, that i am dealing with a lot and it is hard dealing with everything that has been happening without my knight in shinning armour. I told them that i had been to the doctors and have been given a referral for private sessions with another counsellor to talk things through on my own. Both of them said this was a good idea.

DH seemed really supportive with all my decisions that i had made and asked if he would be able to come around every day to see Lachlan, or if we could meet somewhere neutral so that he could see him. I agreed with this as i don't want to take his son away from him, and maybe this might help.

Just trying to keep myself busy

Well i have been looking into TAFE courses that i can do while i am at home and i think i have chosen one. I am going to start a Community Services Work which will lead me to my actual goal of becoming a counsellor. I know i am pretty messed up my self but i really want to help people that have been/are in my situation. I know that some days i just really want someone to listen to what i have to say and not judge me on how i have handled things.

I guess that is why i have found this blog a good outlet for everything that has been running around in that crazy head of mine.

On the husband front DH called me this afternoon to double check what time our appointment was tomorrow and to see if we can have a coffee before the appointment as he has a few things he wants to run by me before he tells our Dr. I was a bit hesitant at first as i dont want to get upset before the appointment as i wasn't really involved in the last one but i thought i would give him the benefit of the doubt and go along with it.

I guess we will just see what happens tomorrow.

What Is A Friend?

by Kit McCallum

A friend is someone you hold dear:
Someone who is always there, through thick and thin;
Someone who is only a phone call away.

A friend is someone you can always rely on:
Someone who is there to share your thoughts with;
Someone to listen, no matter the subject.

A friend is someone you can feel comfortable with:
Someone you can sit silently beside, without conversation;
Someone you do not need to fill the quiet moments with.

A friend is someone you can trust:
Someone who will guard your deepest secrets;
Someone who will never let you down.

A friend is someone who is not judgmental:
Someone who will gently offer advice and opinions,
Yet, someone who is not overbearing or critical.

A friend is someone who can keep you grounded:
Someone who can help you see through your obstacles;
Someone to shoulder you through life's trials.

A friend is someone who shares unconditionally:
Someone to laugh and to cry with;
Someone to lean on, through both the good and the bad.

A friend is someone you choose wisely,
For a friend is your own mirrored image:
Someone to compliment your own self;
Someone who indicates who you are as a person.

Since i left high school i have never known what it is like to have a friend, other then my then boyfriend who is now my husband. But with me now staying at my parents i have finally noticed how alone i really feel.

I have made friends online through BH and my awesome friends on SWB, but it doesn't quite feel the same as having a friend that lives close to you, that will come over most days, that you can talk on the phone to and tell your deepest darkest secrets too, or even bitch about your husband too...which i am feeling like i need to do in my current situation.

It is so hard to go out and make friends with a baby, and being in a mothers group where the mothers are about 10-15 years older then me doesn't help.

I really hate that my so called friends ditched me when i became pregnant, beacuse all i want now is a friend.

A visit from Daddy

Yesterday Lachlan and i went out so he could have a visit from his daddy. It was really interesting as at first i was really angry at him and didn't want to look at him let alone talk to him but as time went on i saw how he was with Lachlan and i made my anger melt away.

He is Lachlan's dad. We are a family, i still carry his last name and we are still married, the ring is still on my finger, how can i throw away everything we had without trying to to get it back? I know what he has done and i know it down right unforgiveable, but how can i tell my son that his mum and dad have decided not to be together anymore?

Should i give up? or should i fight?

how do i know if i am ready to tell myself that answer?

Positive Saturday

A friend of mine suggested in her blog that we should all take some time in our day to think about the positives in life and that is what I am going to try and do in this post!

1. I have a beautiful 12 week old son.

2. I have been drug free for almost 7 years.

3. Even though I have been through some hard times I have survived.

4. I have a beautiful and supportive family.

5. Since being on BH I have made some life long friends, that I know I can't do without.

6. Even though my son was distressed during my labour I am glad that I had a great medical team around me that helped me to make the right decision for the both of us.

7. Even though I lost Jensen, I am so privileged that he choose me to carry him for those beautiful 20 weeks.

8. I love those new chocolate temptation magnums.

Ok I couldn't make it to ten but I tried. Summastarlet was right we should look at the positives every now and then as the world out there doesn't always need to suck. So I am going to put it to all my readers, try positive Saturday.

A Day without thinking about it.

Today i decided to put everything about the affair in the back of my mind as i needed to turn back into mum mode, instead or the person that collapse to the floor in tears.

Today i decided to look at my to do list and do some of the things that i have put off since having Lachlan.

So these were the things i did:


* I rang Berg photography and booked Lachlan in to get some portraits done on the 24th March. I decided to leave it this long as he has now started to develop his own little personality and i think it will really come out in his photographs.

* I emailed Essentric, which is the company that did DH and my wedding invitations and thankyou cards as i wanted to them to do Lachlan's announcement cards for his birth. I asked them to send some photo announcement card samples as i wanted to see what i could choose from.

* I looked at a few cake companies on line to see where i could get Lachlan's christening cake from. I know that DH and i are having problems but we organised Lachlan's Christening before this all happened and i didn't want to cancel it and reorganise it for a later date, i don't want everyone knowing our business. And i think i have figured out which cake i want.

* I also went out and picked up some things for dinner tonight. I decided to make my parents dinner to thank them for all they have done for me and Lachlan. They are wonderful people and i couldn't ask for better parents.

Well i didn't get to finish everything on my list but i have planned more things for tomorrow. Today was a good day and it was nice to busy so i didn't need to think about what happened. But i know that tonight when i go to bed i will have lots of time to think. I haven't been sleeping much since this started happening as there to many thoughts and emotions running through my head and i think i am starting to drown in them. I am going to the doctor tomorrow so i will have a chat with him and no doubt my meds will be upped.

my problems are small in comparison

As the title suggests all the problems I have at the moment a so tiny in comparison to those who live in Queensland. I have friends and family in Queensland that have been through those horrible floods and now I have friends and family that are going through this horrific cyclone. It makes you wonder why this happens. How could any greater power put people through this.

I have really lost faith in my life. I was never a really religious person but I did believe there was a higher power, but I don't believe anymore. I know I myself have been through so much in my life. It seems that once I finally start picking myself off the ground I get hit with another devastating blow. And it is just not myself, how can any power let beautiful soulled people go through the pain of losing a baby, or let them go through the deviation that has hit Queensland. I know there are people out there that would argue that it isn't a greater power that does this, that it is nature or just part of being human, but who do you blame if this happened to you, because one of the first people you blame is god, then you will blame yourself.

1st session

Well first couples counselling session today and it was very emotional. Before we got into what we were there for she wanted to know some background history on us. DH was very easy and only took a couple of minutes to tell her his history on himself, for me it took a bit longer.

I told her about how I was gang rapped when I was 14 and how I turned to drugs to help numb the pain, I told her how from there I dated my drug dealer and to pay for the drugs I used he passed me around to his friends to do whatever they wanted. When I turned 18 that is when I met DH.

From there she wanted to know our history together. We told her how DH basically saved my life and made me healthy again physically. We told her how we lost our beautiful Angel Jensen Finn at 20 weeks and how I felt like life once again felt empty and how I no longer wanted to be here. We also told her that over 11 weeks ago.

Then we moved on to why we were there, it was time for DH to talk, and what next came out of his mouth I didn't want to hear. He didn't just kiss her, much more happened. I felt numb, like my whole world was falling apart. He had sex with her. And more then just once.

I opened my mouth but nothing came out, it was like my words themselves were too disgusted to even be heard by him. The counselor asked him why he didn't tell me what happened from the start? DH said that it was because he didn't want to hurt me and with me leaving him last Friday I realisation of what he had done had hit him and that he knew he was going to lose every thing that he had held so close to him.

I just don't know what to do anymore. My head keeps telling me to fight, but my heart is shattered and I don't know if I can ever our it back together again.

anxious about session

Well today is the first counseling session for DH and myself, I am really not sure what to expect. I am still staying with my parents so I have had a lot of time to think about things, which is good and bad. I has been nice to reflect on the good things in our relationship, and it has been good to think about what I should do from here. But on the other hand I have been thinking about what DH did with this woman as I haven't got all the information yet. So I am hoping today I get the answers.


On the Lachlan front he has been a little sleeping superstar sleeping 8- 8 and half hours a night...such a good boy.