Trapped

When having a baby everyone is so excited for you, and you and your partner (if you have one) and excited at the fact that you will be bringing a new life into the world and into your family. But no one really explains the aftermath and what a baby brings.

The sleepless nights that you will have until that child probably turns 18, the constant tears and tantrums, feeding that starts around the clock, the watching the clock as you sit there and wonder how long they have been asleep, should I wake them up or even is it time for the next feed, the nappies, trying forever to get them off to sleep to only realise that it is feeding time again and that you will need to start all over again, and the other multitude of things that come with a baby.

But the real thing is no one explains how trapped you feel.

I know when I found out that I was having my son I was so excited that I was having a baby. I loved reading up what was happening with him and my body each week and that I counted down the months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds in anticipation until I could meet him. I was thinking of all the things we could do together, all the outings we would have before I returned to work.

Once he was born he was perfect he matched every expectation that I had for him and I was so glad that he came into the world safe and that he chose myself and my DH to be his parents. Although his start to life was a little bumpy and us being new parents and not really knowing what was going on, lets just say it was a big learning curve for all of us.

Once we left the hospital bubble where you have help a button away the fear set in, not really knowing if taking a feed away would be ok? Should we change his nappy over night? When it was time for a feed should we wake him up? And when we couldn't come up with the answers it was great to have my mum on speed dial as with her wealth of knowledge she answered these questions and a million other ones that we had.

With my mum on our side we became more confident in the way that we were handling things and then it was time for DH to go back to work...and I was alone. Alone with this little baby and not knowing how I would handle things by myself.

I suddenly felt trapped. Trapped with this baby relying on me for everything. My DH kept telling me that I was a wonderful mother and that while he was here I was doing most of the things on my own, but I kept thinking that I didn't have my cheer squad with me.

I know some of the things I did other parents would probably frown on me for doing so, like letting my son sleep in his bouncer for he day sleeps because he wouldn't sleep in his cot during the day. But having him there in his bouncer made me feel safe for some reason, I think it was because I knew he was safe.

But feeling trapped was still in the back of my mind. I had a car with a baby seat, I had a pram, I had people that I could go see, but all I wanted was to stay in my safe little bubble that I call home. There was many days that I wouldn't get changed as I knew that I wouldn't be leaving the house. If I did make plans I would cancel them. Even though Lachlan is 6 months old there is still times where I don't get changed out of my pjs because I know I am not leaving the house.

I Joined a gym in hope that I would get out of the house more and have some separation time from Lachlan as I would drop him over at my parents. And it worked for a while, as I also booked myself in with a personal trainer whom I see twice a week so that it would help me get out of the house, but sadly all I do now is see my personal trainer and don't go in any other days.

The other outing that I have one a fortnight is to see my mum and grandma and Lachlan also comes with us. Once a fortnight we go and have a look around the shops and that is mostly an all day thing.

I don't have any friends because most of them ditched me when I became pregnant so I don't get any visitors at all, so that also adds to the isolation that I am feeling.

Going back to work will probably be a great thing for me as it will get me out of my hermit ways. I am just hoping that being trapped in this house won't lead to Lachlan having separation issues when I do return to work.

Alright so this has been a long rambling post, so I will end it here.

Oops

I had a very much a oops moment last night with DH. As some of you might know we have started having sex again since the affair, we are not having it all the time and this is like the 3rd time since the affair that we have "done the deed."

Anyway last night we did a manger oops and he came in me (TMI). The moment it happened we both sort of just looked at each other and the looks on our faces said it all. I was not sure if this was a good thing or not, if the outcome came out as a big positive on a pregnancy test. We have both often talked about having more children and we did mention that we would start later in the year, but now...seems a little too soon. After the "deed" was over we didn't talk about what happened we just went straight to bed.

We haven't had a talk about the consequences of the actions of last night yet, as DH did leave at 4am this morning for work, but I am sure once Lachlan goes to bed we will have a chat about it, and I will get to see how he feels about the whole situation.

The last time we had stress free sex I ended up with my little man, and sex last night was very stress free with no thoughts about TTC and if I would end up pregnant after all this, so it will be just my luck to end up pregnant.

I have thought about doing some OPKs over the next 4 days just to make sure that I am not ovulating as my cycle has been all over the place that I am not really sure what is going on with my body.

But I guess only time will tell.

You never think that you will need to use your CPR training

Last night at 9pm Lachlan woke up crying. I went up and tried to settle him, but because he was too upset I picked him up and he began to vomit everywhere! When I sat down on the chair hold him all I could hear was choking and that he was struggling to get air in.

I screamed for my husband to call the ambulance and I looked at my poor baby struggling for air, the look on his face, he looked so scared.

I tried to remain calm and knew I needed to do something, I laid Lachlan on his side on the floor and put my fingers in his mouth to clear his air way, which induced vomiting and helped to clear his air way.

When the ambulance got there they looked him over in the house and we told them what happened and they said that what I did could have possibly saved his life.

From there the ambulance took us to the hospital and we stayed over night so they could observe him, but when we left this morning he was a little lethargic but alright.

They are not sure what caused the choking but we will be having some follow up tests.

I tell you what though I am so glad that I know CPR, but I never want to use it again on any of my love ones. I am also glad that I didn't panic but I had a big cry once Lachlan fell asleep at the hospital.

When will the pain lessen

Watching an episode of friends last night, you know the one where Ross sleeps with the copy girl then later tells Rachel about it. Well I was watching that one and it just reminded me about what happened in my relationship and it just hit a nerve.

it has been 4 months since he cheated on me but the pain is still there and I have no idea when the pain is going to lessen.

I know I must of said this a thousand times and you are probably sick of hearing about it but, why did he do this to me...to us? I know he has told me the reason but it doesn't make sense to me. We have been through so much together and he just throw that away on some other woman. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it.

He has been doing so much to try and get things back on track. He let me have time away from us so that I could get my head around what had happened and to make my mind up about us. And I decided to go back to him, I decided to try again and hopefully things would work out for the better.

Things have been better I must say been different around here. He has been more attentive and has been making things easier for me, but emotionally, mentally things haven't changed. I still know what happened.

Now don't tell me to see someone and talk it out with them as I have been doing that, and let me tell you...that doesn't really fix anything. I doesn't delete things from your mind, because there is so many images that I would want to get rid of. I guess all I have to do is wait for time to lessen the pain and hope that one day I can think of this being just another hurdle that I will have to over come.

My First Swimming lesson with Lachlan

I had the most amazing day today. I had my first swimming lesson with Lachlan and he didn't cry once!

From start to finish I had a huge smile on my face and enjoyed every moment of it. There was even one moment where he was laying on his back on my chest and he started to fall asleep...he must have been so relaxed.

The lesson must have tired him out as once I put him in his car seat he fell asleep straight away.

Well only a short update but I had to tell you about the lesson.

Happy 6 months Lachlan

It is my baby boys 1/2 birth day today.

From the start of my pregnancy with him I have been so in love with him, he is an amazing little boy and I love him so much.

And what did mummy do for his half birthday....he go vaccinated!

He was an awesome little trooper. He didn't cry when the needle or the liquid went in, but he cried when the needle came out and only for a few seconds. He was so good the nurse gave him a balloon.

I also think something like wonder week is happening as Lachlan seems to be waking up every hour or two. It is slightly annoying but just something that you go through.

Also in terms of me. Bleeding seems to have stopped and my regular doctor was not there today and I had to see a fill in. Which was annoying as this doctor seemed to have no clue with what was going on and just seemed to skim over things, and I really don't want to have to go back in to the doctors this week again. So DH and I have decided to see what happens this cycle goes and we will go from there. If I have another crap cycle we will go back to the doctors and request that something needs to be done, as we have started to discuss trying for a second towards the end of the year start of next year.

Still Bleeding

It is cycle day (CD) 14 and I am still bleeding.

I am so over it!!!!

I haven't bleed this much since I had Lachlan. I have been thinking that maybe I had a 55 day cycle last time, where I would have been about to have my period twice during that cycle, that my body might be giving me 2 periods at once. The other thought that has crossed my mind but I have dismissed is that I could be having a miscarriage. Now on CD 52 I did a pregnancy test and it came back negative also I am not having cramps and the bleeding isn't heavy enough for it to be a miscarriage.

I am heading to my Doctors tomorrow and I am going to write a list of questions that I want to ask him about what is going on with my body, also I am getting some blood test results back which I had done yesterday so I am hoping the results are good.

Lachlan turns 6 months tomorrow!!! It has gone so fast, he isn't my newborn anymore. He will also be getting his vaccinations as well tomorrow...what a gift.

Happy Mother's Day

I first up would like to say a big HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all the 1st time mums and all the other mothers out there, I hope you go really spoilt.

I also want to give all the mums out there that are unable to hold their beautiful angel babies in their arms. I hope you had a beautiful Mother's Day.

Today we spent Mother's day first up with DH's family then mine. I really didn't like going and seeing DH's family as they treat me as if I'm not there, and when they did acknowledge my me today they were talking about how they needed to lose weight because they were fat (there stick skinny by the way) and then they looked at me and said "you look like you have lost weight" and it sounded really condescending.

Thankful we didn't stay there forever, only a few hours. We wouldn't have gone over if it wasn't mothers day.

From there we got the last part of my mum's present and went over to my parents place. We had a great dinner and shared a lot of laughs.

Lachlan was a little tropper all day and didn't mind all the passing around to person to person which happened all day, and slept on people when he was tired. Although when we got home he was defiantly ready for bed, so DH gave him a bottle and put him down and we haven't heard from him since.

I have had a bit of an emotional day. Today I should have been celebrating mother's day as a mum of three not one. Although I am eternally grateful for Lachlan and I wouldn't give him up for anything in the world, I just wish he could have his older brother Jensen here and peanut as well.

I will go and see Jensen tomorrow. I miss him so much.

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome

I am feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment.

I went to the doctors today and I told him how my cycles have been getting longer and longer and I have now been bleeding for 10 days...which is not normal for me. He had a look at my past results and he said that I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Apparently these results he was reading were from 2010!

I was in shock and I was angry. Why wasn't told when I had these test done then? I was trying to remember back when I went to the Doctors at this time and I remember him saying that the results were fine...well obviously they weren't.

He printed off a blood test for me to do over the next couple of days and made me an appointment for next Wednesday, when I also need to take Lachlan in for he 6 months vaccinations.

So, I don't know where I need to go from here. Do I need medication? Do I need to see any specialists? Is the next time we try for another baby will I have difficulty? Was I just lucky when I got pregnant with Lachlan?

I wish someone could just answer these questions for me?

Bleeding

Ok I have now been bleeding for 9 days straight.

So I have had a cycle that has gone 55days and now I have bleeding which I thought was my period but my period usually only lasts 5 days. As if my body could get any more frustrating!

I will be going to the doctors on Saturday to get this sorted. I am so sick of long cycles and with this bleeding I just wish my body would get back to the way it was before I had Lachlan.

Honestly if someone has any ideas what I can do please let me know.

I hate Car Dealerships!!! and something exciting about Lachlan!!

Well as the title says I hate car dealerships!!!

There is something wrong with the car as the seat won't go back an forth and the power windows won't go up and down and because the car is under warranty we need to take it back to the dealer.


We put it in this morning at 10am and DH had to have a day off work because they said they couldn't take the car in the afternoon as they said that would mean we wouldn't get it back in the same day.

Well were we pissed off.

DH rang at 1pm to find out how it was going and they said they hadn't "diagnosed" the problem yet....which is code for we haven't looked at it. Then DH calls again at 3pm, the receptionist said that they have only started looking at it so they don't know what is wrong with it. God DH was fuming. He tried to remain calm and told the receptionist once they have figured out the problem to give him a ring.

While DH was out the receptionist rang him and told him that there is a electrics problem with the car, which we already knew and DH asked her to explain and she said that the mechanics found that there was a problem with the main fuse and that was why things were not working. DH also asked how long that would take to fix and she said that they needed to order a part in and that would mean the car would need to stay in over night.

Well I am pissed as I need the car tomorrow....and Lachlan's pram and car seat are in it!!!!!

Well the receptionist also told us that the car wasn't covered by warranty any more...and that got DH even more pissed off as we know the car is covered until next year by warranty, but the girl says that it isn't because the car is a 2006 model, well there she is incorrect. The car is a 2007 model...and we have proof!

Well they told us that the car would be ready tomorrow some time....and if it isn't they are going to get a major bitch slapping from me.

Anyway Vent over.

On another note we put Lachlan down in his cot awake tonight and he went to sleep by himself!!!! I was so worried that Lachlan was excelling in everything but couldn't put himself to sleep, but this proves to me that he can do it, whether he will be able to do it again is another story.

International Baby loss Mother's Day

With Mother's Day coming I have been thinking of the mother's days that I have had without our Jensen, I have also been thinking about all the other mothers (some I know) who have had Mother's Day (and other days) without their Angel Babies.

I know it was never meant to be and that our Jensen is in a better place with all the other Angel babies and children.

I hope that all the Mother's out their have a beautiful Mother's day with their families.